My poor kids | Imamother

amother

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 3:52 am

I have a young son who hasn’t been well mentally and recently got worse. He’s a full time job, with raging and anger and it’s just no downtime for me or dh. We have babies bh and teenagers. The last two shabbosim have been extremely hard, where my husband needed to be busy with this child day and night. It has affected the atmosphere or Simchas shabbos in our home and the teen kids feel it so much. By the end of shabbas they are crying to me how their whole shabbas is ruined. I don’t know what to do anymore it’s such a hard balance . They need the simcha , love and attention, but We are busy using it on this child and taking care of the babies. I contemplated hiring someone to entertain my child who needs the constant attention but I wouldn’t even know who to get. My heart breaks for the kids, they’re all suffering and we are trying to get the help and refuah we need for this other child, but it takes a long time. Any suggestions would greatly help. During the week is the same issue, but the older ones are in school a lot and doesn’t feel it as much. Shabbas is when this child gets most difficult and everyone feels it. For those who have been through this words of chizzuk or guidance would help please. He’s not a special needs child where I can ask others to take him out, he’s dealing with an illness that has affected his brain

amother

Hibiscus

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 7:29 am

I am very sorry.
Can you hire a sitter for babies, have dh deal with the sick child and take your teens on weekly dates? Need not be crazy special, just a coffee together or a walk down the block.

It can go a long way. How many teens do you have? Ans how many babies?

FranticFrummie

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 7:30 am

How old is this child? Do you have any idea where the rage is coming from? What do the doctors and therapists say?

I find that 99% of the time, aggression comes from fear. He's feeling vulnerable about something, and putting up huge defenses to protect himself. The problem is he might not be able to articulate what is bothering him so much.

Instead of getting someone from outside the family to entertain him, go out of your way to include him. He will hate it, and he will refuse at first, but he needs to hear things like "We'd love it if you could come and play this board game with us." "We'd love it if you would come to the park with us." He needs to know that his anger is not succeeding in pushing you away. You are his rock right now, and he needs you more than ever (and he will die before he admits it.)

What you need, is some support for you and DH. Parenting an angry child is a huge stress, and sometimes can even cause divorce CV'S. Try to find a therapist or parenting class that can help with this specific issue, while you are working on things from other angles. Sometimes changing your reactions can change the outcome (sometimes not, but it's worth a try.)

amother

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 7:36 am

Thank you so much for your reply’s it means a lot. We try so hard to show him all this love but when he’s in a rage you can’t stop it. We often all say come let’s play this and this game as a family , it doesn’t work when he’s so angry. The piece where you said anger can be fueled by anxiety. He does have anxiety and is treated , doctor suggested if we raise the anxiety meds might help the rages. I believe during the week the anger is fueled by some anxiety, like not wanting to go to school. But on shabbas I don’t see anxiety. But maybe like you said he doesn’t know what he’s feeling.

ora_43

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 7:53 am

What amother-hibiscus said. Also, do you have any relatives who could come on Shabbat sometimes and spend some time with the older kids? Or the babies, or even your angry boy if both sides are up for it.

And just listening and empathizing with your teens can go a long way. Sometimes "I hear you, it really is hard, I really appreciate that you (are trying so hard/ are being so understanding/ whatever)" is enough for them to calm 90% of the way down.

IDK how much they know about their brother's diagnosis or how much you want them to know, but understanding what's going on might also help.

One last thing, can you buy them something to make their Shabbat nicer? Something they don't need you for. New books, new games, snacks... Basically, something they can enjoy on their own even if you and your dh aren't able to give them much attention that week.

Hugs, OP. You and your dh sound like great parents. It'll be hard for your older kids for a while, but I really think they'll get through this just fine. They know that you love them. Losing your attention for a while is hard, but OTOH they're also seeing how far you'll go for your kids and that you'll keep loving them no matter what. That's a big thing.

amother

Honey

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 8:20 am

I’m in a similar situation and haven’t figured it all out yet so don’t have much advice, I just want to send you my love and support. It really stinks when making sure one kid gets what he needs interferes with another kid’s needs.

I do/did find that doing what Ora suggested (discussing and sympathizing with the other children about how difficult it is on them, thanking them for all of their patience etc) is helpful (and honestly often the only thing I can do.

I have also offered them outside professional support (which none of them took me up on so far) and I think they felt good and validated that I acknowledged that living with a sibling with such tremendous needs that sometimes dictate the entire household (and whose behaviors can be scary at times) is significant enough to warrant therapy etc.

As an aside, upping my child’s anxiety medication combined with therapy teaching coping techniques for the anxiety helped with emotion regulation and rage significantly.

amother

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 10:50 am

Thank you so much everyone for your responses. It means a lot. All the chizzuk makes a difference . It’s not like an illness I can tell people, outside everyone thinks he’s a regular kid. No one can imagine how he is at home.

oneofakind

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 11:41 am

All of the above. To add, everyone experience s anxiety differently. Shabbos lacks the structure of weekdays, more people are home - more noise, more unpredictability. There is plenty to be anxious about. Hugs and hatzlacha.

amother

Brunette

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 12:00 pm

I get you. We have a child with issues that totally changes the household and our shabbosim. We treated for pandas with homeopathy. I'm hoping to one day be able to take him off his anti anxiety medicine. There's a Facebook group about a homeopathy practice that deals specifically with pans/pandas if this is in fact your child's diagnosis.

imorethanamother

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 6:19 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

PM me and I’ll try to find you someone. NY area, right?

amother

Winterberry

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 6:27 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thank you is there any other way to see the practice besides for Facebook, I signed up for Facebook but don’t know how to navigate it and never got any info

from this post, it sounds like you're dealing with PANDAS. If so, read on. If not, hugs and wish I can help!
My son had PANDAS and his moods and tempers wrecked our family life the way you're describing. The fact that he looks OK to others and acts up mostly at home is actually quite common with PANDAS! Since my son started with the PANDAS at a young age, we were able to identify the physical pain behind his tempers, and came to realize that he was actually having migraine headaches, caused by the PANDAS, which caused him to act up. Whenever he acted up I'd make him verbalize to me that he was having a headache and then I'd give him motrin. Although it didn't heal his pain completely, it did help him significantly.
I also spent quite some time explaining to my other kids that he is nebach in pain, which is causing him to act up so badly. It helped them sympathize with him somewhat.
We were BH successful with getting rid of it completely by having his tonsils removed.

amother

Lavender

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 7:15 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

He’s not a special needs child where I can ask others to take him out, he’s dealing with an illness that has affected his brain

What about Chai Lifeline, or your local bikur cholim? Are you getting any help? You should be able to get help even if your son is not a classic "special needs" or "sick" child.

Last edited by amother on Sun, Nov 06 2022, 11:27 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

DarkMagenta

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 7:36 pm

I don't have any solutions but my child has autoimmune encephalitis. Dc was doing well for a long time but recently has been flaring badly. My younger kids are literally traumatized from dc. I really feel for you. Even though we know it's dc's illness and take It in stride/don't react to the rage, It really destroys the atmosphere in the house when one child is raging and out of control. I'm so sorry you're dealing with a similar situation. It's so so so hard. I hope you find a refua for your child quickly!

amother

Bronze

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 8:11 pm

amother [ Wandflower ] wrote:

If you are in NY, Hamaspik has excellent programs for this type of situation.

This
It’s called comfort health
Hugs and hatzlacha op. Hope things get better really quickly. It’s so draining and frustrating...