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Can’t do it
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nicole81




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 27 2021, 9:41 pm
amother [ Ultramarine ] wrote:
In my household the problem is that both my husband and I are exhausted! I’m sure I can’t be the only one.


So are we. But I'm *more* exhausted so dh has more to do 😂 🥰 But really, we just lower our expectations, give the kids responsibilities that help the household, and plan in advance ways to make things easier (ie plan and shop for low prep time meals, bulk cook on days off, buy disposables on sale in bulk, make household chores into quality time activities with the kids, etc)

It gets easier as the kids get older. Sometimes I wonder how I got through certain years 🤣
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amother
Hibiscus


 

Post Mon, Dec 27 2021, 10:03 pm
nicole81 wrote:
I don't know what kind of help your husband gives, but the idea that what he does is "helping" you is part of the problem. You guys have a household to run together, and the only expectation is that the jobs need to get done-- not that they're yours to do with his help. If you're exhausted, then you need to split things differently.


Nicole81 has really good practical advice, too.
I still follow the advice she gave me when I had my first.

Thank you nicole81 Hug
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nicole81




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 27 2021, 11:18 pm
amother [ Hibiscus ] wrote:
Nicole81 has really good practical advice, too.
I still follow the advice she gave me when I had my first.

Thank you nicole81 Hug


Awww thank you! (Hug was from me😁) Now I'm wondering what advice I gave, and if I need to go back to basics🤣🤣
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esther7




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 27 2021, 11:38 pm
amother [ Hibiscus ] wrote:
Nicole81 has really good practical advice, too.
I still follow the advice she gave me when I had my first.

Thank you nicole81 Hug


Please share!
This thread is so validating Smile but also somewhat frustrating. Like, there must be a better way to function that "basic survival"
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Sewsew_mom




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 28 2021, 9:24 am
amother [ Leaf ] wrote:
OP- neither can I. I just can't do it. It's on the boundary of impossible. I don't have add or adhd so at least I have 1 thing not going against me but I need to keep on an EXTREMELY strict schedule for household tasks or else all hell breaks loose. I need to go grocery shopping and do errands on Sunday (and get everything, including shabbos stuff), I need to do laundry on Monday and Tuesday, I need to fold and put away on Wednesday. I need to begin cooking dinners the moment I walk in the door (at 4, with my kids). I need to cook and clean the kitchen for shabbos on Thursday night. I need to set my shabbos table Thursday night too. I need to shower Thursday night and bathe my kids as well. If I skip anything... oh dear... I will end up folding laundry at 2am with my eyes closed ... or not at all.

My husband also does plenty- he clean bathrooms, floors, dusts, vacuums, mops. We split linen duty- he takes off, I put on. And he works too.

It's very hard (like I said- near impossible) to run a busy household when working full time or more. Total survival mode. Which is not a space I want to constantly live in.

You sound like you've got it all together. LOL
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amother
Hosta


 

Post Tue, Dec 28 2021, 9:36 am
I’m doing it in the sense that my kid’s have clean clothes hot dinner and I clean my house.

But I’m out of the house most of the school day and I have no cleaning help.

My husband helps here and there but nothing I can consistently rely on.

I’m always exhausted running a marathon and resentful. But I don’t know what the answer is
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keym




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 28 2021, 9:46 am
nicole81 wrote:
So are we. But I'm *more* exhausted so dh has more to do 😂 🥰 But really, we just lower our expectations, give the kids responsibilities that help the household, and plan in advance ways to make things easier (ie plan and shop for low prep time meals, bulk cook on days off, buy disposables on sale in bulk, make household chores into quality time activities with the kids, etc)

It gets easier as the kids get older. Sometimes I wonder how I got through certain years 🤣


It's interesting that you say that it's easier as the kids get older.
I am finding it harder. Scrambled eggs is just not an option to fill my teens anymore. They help some but also are so so busy with schoolwork (midterms are about to start). They can't be totally independent so they still need me to drive them to chavrusos, to friends to study, to pick up notes, carpool to or from play practice. And they're up so late and want to talk and spend time with me when I'm exhausted.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 28 2021, 9:53 am
keym wrote:
It's interesting that you say that it's easier as the kids get older.
I am finding it harder. Scrambled eggs is just not an option to fill my teens anymore. They help some but also are so so busy with schoolwork (midterms are about to start). They can't be totally independent so they still need me to drive them to chavrusos, to friends to study, to pick up notes, carpool to or from play practice. And they're up so late and want to talk and spend time with me when I'm exhausted.


I totally found the teen stage to be harder than when they were little kids and I could just cut veggies and give them easy kid suppers on a night I was tired.

Now that my big girls drive themselves (and can do errands for me while they are at it) it's much easier.

My teen had flu last week and went back to school yesterday. Her teacher fully expects her to catch up on all missed work this week, including taking several quizes and 3 tests that she missed, plus there will be a big Chumash test next Monday including half the stuff she is making up..... I studied with her last night for one, and will be working on an assignment tonight plus another test....(and skipped going to say Mazal Tov to a neighbor who made a wedding because I was just plain exhausted and fell asleep when I was done.) This was after cooking supper, two loads of laundry, washing up kitchen......

It was much easier when the kids were little.....
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amother
Hosta


 

Post Tue, Dec 28 2021, 9:56 am
Chayalle wrote:
I totally found the teen stage to be harder than when they were little kids and I could just cut veggies and give them easy kid suppers on a night I was tired.

Now that my big girls drive themselves (and can do errands for me while they are at it) it's much easier.

My teen had flu last week and went back to school yesterday. Her teacher fully expects her to catch up on all missed work this week, including taking several quizes and 3 tests that she missed, plus there will be a big Chumash test next Monday including half the stuff she is making up..... I studied with her last night for one, and will be working on an assignment tonight plus another test....(and skipped going to say Mazal Tov to a neighbor who made a wedding because I was just plain exhausted and fell asleep when I was done.) This was after cooking supper, two loads of laundry, washing up kitchen......

It was much easier when the kids were little.....


This. When our kids went to bed at seven and had five minutes of hw and didn’t have to be driven to play practice things were much simpler.

I feel like we just have to get through these years
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amother
Peach


 

Post Tue, Dec 28 2021, 10:06 am
The whole concept of women can do it all is a myth. The women I know who work full time have full time help to make up for the "mommy/house" jobs. It's impossible to work full time and be a full time mommy/housekeeper. After my 3rd kid we decided it's best if I stop working and become SAHM. I do have less help from my husband but he is now working two jobs and has long hours. (I also dont have as much cleaning help, once a week) Eventually when my kids are in school full time I'll go back to work and my husband will work one job.
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keym




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 28 2021, 10:16 am
amother [ Peach ] wrote:
The whole concept of women can do it all is a myth. The women I know who work full time have full time help to make up for the "mommy/house" jobs. It's impossible to work full time and be a full time mommy/housekeeper. After my 3rd kid we decided it's best if I stop working and become SAHM. I do have less help from my husband but he is now working two jobs and has long hours. (I also dont have as much cleaning help, once a week) Eventually when my kids are in school full time I'll go back to work and my husband will work one job.


Good for you for making it work.
A lot of us don't have the choice to choose not to work.
I work. My husband works. We need to pay the bills. I have 2 hours of cleaning help a week (when she shows up). I manage in that we have clean clothes and food to eat and the kids go to their appointments.
My house is not clean. It's not gross but it's cluttered and often the floors arent as clean as I want, there are dishes in the sink and clutter.
Meals are made simple and repetitive. Lasagna, soup, salad, meatballs and pasta, chicken and rice. Sundays I make big pots of meatballs, soups, grilled chicken. So I only have to make a side
Laundry is washed, dried, and sorted into each kids basket.
And I'm always moving, always busy. The kids can't miss their bus.
I'm busy and exhausted and my husband and I are managing but barely.
But at least we make it through the month and can afford what we need.
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amother
Khaki


 

Post Tue, Dec 28 2021, 10:26 am
keym wrote:
Good for you for making it work.
A lot of us don't have the choice to choose not to work.
I work. My husband works. We need to pay the bills. I have 2 hours of cleaning help a week (when she shows up). I manage in that we have clean clothes and food to eat and the kids go to their appointments.
My house is not clean. It's not gross but it's cluttered and often the floors arent as clean as I want, there are dishes in the sink and clutter.
Meals are made simple and repetitive. Lasagna, soup, salad, meatballs and pasta, chicken and rice. Sundays I make big pots of meatballs, soups, grilled chicken. So I only have to make a side
Laundry is washed, dried, and sorted into each kids basket.
And I'm always moving, always busy. The kids can't miss their bus.
I'm busy and exhausted and my husband and I are managing but barely.
But at least we make it through the month and can afford what we need.

But there's very often a price to pay for the mother being always overwhelmed. Sometimes the price is really big indeed. Can we afford that? Can we afford children who are emotionally not getting what they need, who are growing up with real emotional deficits?

Can we afford a society where the adults are one step away from emotional burnout? And what about the house being clean but not clean - as many of us have - is this healthy for our children?

And I know that everyone is going to jump on me and say, not true! I can do it all! Really? Can you? IRL I know very few who can, so it's nice that here on ima is where all the managing mommas hang out.
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keym




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 28 2021, 10:28 am
amother [ Khaki ] wrote:
But there's very often a price to pay for the mother being always overwhelmed. Sometimes the price is really big indeed. Can we afford that? Can we afford children who are emotionally not getting what they need, who are growing up with real emotional deficits?

And I know that everyone is going to jump on me and say, not true! I can do it all! Really? Can you? IRL I know very few who can, so it's nice that here on ima is where all the managing mommas hang out.


So what exactly do you propose?
Not all men are capable of bringing in 200k.
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amother
Khaki


 

Post Tue, Dec 28 2021, 10:31 am
keym wrote:
So what exactly do you propose?
Not all men are capable of bringing in 200k.

You're 100% right. I'm in the same boat as you (currently playing hooky a bit but need to get back to work). I don't know what the answer is and I cry at night all the time when I think of the impossible situation I'm in.

Either I work full time and can afford to pay tuition, and risk the emotional fallout, or I don't work full time and can't afford tuition. There is no easy solution. Life is not fair. They say that money isn't everything but sometimes I think it is.
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keym




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 28 2021, 10:37 am
amother [ Khaki ] wrote:
You're 100% right. I'm in the same boat as you (currently playing hooky a bit but need to get back to work). I don't know what the answer is and I cry at night all the time when I think of the impossible situation I'm in.

Either I work full time and can afford to pay tuition, and risk the emotional fallout, or I don't work full time and can't afford tuition. There is no easy solution. Life is not fair. They say that money isn't everything but sometimes I think it is.


It's not just tuition.
It's everything. Rent/mortgage, utilities, food, making basic simchas- buying tefillin, making Yom Tov.
Life costs. Everything is going up.
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amother
Peach


 

Post Tue, Dec 28 2021, 10:45 am
keym wrote:
Good for you for making it work.
A lot of us don't have the choice to choose not to work.
I work. My husband works. We need to pay the bills. I have 2 hours of cleaning help a week (when she shows up). I manage in that we have clean clothes and food to eat and the kids go to their appointments.
My house is not clean. It's not gross but it's cluttered and often the floors arent as clean as I want, there are dishes in the sink and clutter.
Meals are made simple and repetitive. Lasagna, soup, salad, meatballs and pasta, chicken and rice. Sundays I make big pots of meatballs, soups, grilled chicken. So I only have to make a side
Laundry is washed, dried, and sorted into each kids basket.
And I'm always moving, always busy. The kids can't miss their bus.
I'm busy and exhausted and my husband and I are managing but barely.
But at least we make it through the month and can afford what we need.


Bh I am aware of that I'm able to have a choice. But I can't say it's easier than when I was working. My husband is a "shabbos totty". He comes home by bedtime and leaves by 730. He doesn't help at all with the house/kids. Food I like to cook so suppers are made but cleaning I use short cuts swiffee/clorox wipes. My lady comes 10-5 so I give her the harder stuff and I do the rest. I'm lucky I have a choice but sometimes I think it was easier when I was working and my husband helped out more and I had more hired help.
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amother
Opal


 

Post Tue, Dec 28 2021, 10:45 am
amother [ Leaf ] wrote:
I need to keep on an EXTREMELY strict schedule for household tasks or else all hell breaks loose. I need to go grocery shopping and do errands on Sunday (and get everything, including shabbos stuff).... I need to set my shabbos table Thursday night too.

It's very hard (like I said- near impossible) to run a busy household when working full time or more. Total survival mode. Which is not a space I want to constantly live in.


This was me 30 years ago, to the letter. I lived with one eye on the clock and one on the calendar. I dearly wished to set the table Thursday night but couldn’t because during the week it served multiple purposes and couldn’t be cleared till just before licht.

Total survival mode. I mended clothing on the subway. Soaked chic peas for supper in an empty coffee can at work. Washed hand laundry in the shower by rubbing it on my shampooed head. Read every time management book ever written and tried every time-saving hint ever proposed. Some worked, some didn’t.

B”H children grow up eventually and things get easier. I survived; so will you.
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keym




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 28 2021, 10:53 am
amother [ Peach ] wrote:
Bh I am aware of that I'm able to have a choice. But I can't say it's easier than when I was working. My husband is a "shabbos totty". He comes home by bedtime and leaves by 730. He doesn't help at all with the house/kids. Food I like to cook so suppers are made but cleaning I use short cuts swiffee/clorox wipes. My lady comes 10-5 so I give her the harder stuff and I do the rest. I'm lucky I have a choice but sometimes I think it was easier when I was working and my husband helped out more and I had more hired help.


Fyi, many of us who are working and who's husband's work also have husband's who are "Shabbos Totty" type.
Many of my friends husband's between Shacharis and commute leave the house at 7 am and come at 7 or 8pm.
And having a lady from 10-5 and that's cutting down?
Ok. You're really living in a different world than me and people I know.
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watergirl




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 28 2021, 10:59 am
amother [ Khaki ] wrote:
But there's very often a price to pay for the mother being always overwhelmed. Sometimes the price is really big indeed. Can we afford that? Can we afford children who are emotionally not getting what they need, who are growing up with real emotional deficits?

Can we afford a society where the adults are one step away from emotional burnout? And what about the house being clean but not clean - as many of us have - is this healthy for our children?

And I know that everyone is going to jump on me and say, not true! I can do it all! Really? Can you? IRL I know very few who can, so it's nice that here on ima is where all the managing mommas hang out.

Sorry, what? Because I work full time (and another job on Sunday mornings), my husband works full time, my kids are not getting what they need? They have emotional deficits? I am one step away from burnout? What on earth are you talking about? My house is clean (not sparkling). I made dinner every night. I am home when they are home from school and I sit with them during homework, and we have family dinner 6 nights a week (not motzei shabbos). AND I have time for a call with my Partner in Torah once a week. I go out on a date night with my husband at least once a month. I go out on date nights with each child at least once a month. This is not just how we live, but how every one of my full time working friends experiences life also.

What do I let go? I allow dishes to sit in the sink after dinner and tend to them the next day if I want to. I have cleaning help 2 hours a week and do not clean in between, meaning, we clean as we go, but floors don't get done and bathrooms get only spot-cleaned as needed. Laundry sits, waiting to be folded in baskets and sometimes we grab what we need out of the basket, not the drawer. Dinner is sometimes out of the freezer, like tonight - we are having meatball subs because when I make meatballs, I make double and freeze. Sometimes (Thursdays) we have chicken nuggets, fries, or deli sandwiches.

Who says the mom is always overwhelmed? Are some moms, some of the time? Yes. Are all moms like me overwhelmed all of the time? NO!
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 28 2021, 11:07 am
amother [ Khaki ] wrote:
But there's very often a price to pay for the mother being always overwhelmed. Sometimes the price is really big indeed. Can we afford that? Can we afford children who are emotionally not getting what they need, who are growing up with real emotional deficits?

Can we afford a society where the adults are one step away from emotional burnout? And what about the house being clean but not clean - as many of us have - is this healthy for our children?

And I know that everyone is going to jump on me and say, not true! I can do it all! Really? Can you? IRL I know very few who can, so it's nice that here on ima is where all the managing mommas hang out.


I'm not always overwhelmed. I'm sometimes overwhelmed. And even then, who says my kids are paying the price? My DD got what she needed, emotionally and physically, even though last night was intense.

My house is clean enough to be healthy, and dirty enough to be happy. (I didn't make that up. My mother had this cutesy wooden plaque in her kitchen with this saying on it.)
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