The jealousy is driving me to insanity

amother

Wed, Dec 29 2021, 8:43 pm

My 2 oldest are girls, 4 years apart, 8 and 4 years old. Both are exceptionally adorable, fun, popular girls, both in the same school. 8 year old is on medication for ADD which BH has helped a lot with her behavior. Lately though, she’s been incredibly jealous of her 4 year old sister. She doesn’t let her LIVE! She’s nasty to her and argues with her about every stupid little thing. Doesn’t let her touch anything that’s hers, even if she herself hasn’t touched it in 3 months. Complains that she breathes too loud, eats too loud, is annoying etc. Don’t get me wrong, 4 year old is no angel but I think that has a lot to do with the way 8 year old is treating her. I’ve been told by school authorities that 4 year old is known throughout the school with all the girls (including 8 year olds friends) constantly playing with her, sitting with her on the bus, saying how adorable she is. Understandably 8 year old is very frustrated by this and feels very threatened. Funny thing is, I’m school she’s proud of it but at home it’s disastrous. I’ve tried role playing, storytelling, everything! 8 year old knows deep down it’s a problem I think… But when I tell her off, all of a sudden I hate her, only like sister, etc. I spoke to 8 year olds therapist and school psychologist and they said they would help but I’m really at a loss.

amother

Pumpkin

Wed, Dec 29 2021, 11:02 pm

These are probably alot of what you are doing but just in case. #1 make sure you are not the one comparing the two. #2 play games contest where there has to be a teamwork , do this consistently #3 give 1on 1 time with each daughter. build 8 year old up. Her self esteem is probably suffering. 4 year old is a victim. #4After doing the steps above invite a mutual friend over. Play a planed fun activity. You can still be involved at this age. Warn of misbehavior be a part of the teamwork just like with sister. #5 plan with the 4 year old a friend she can invite that she doesn't mind sharing with 8 year old. Play structured game as a three-some with teamwork. #6 make sure both kids are allowed to invite their own friends. Just for themselves.
Sisters can go through stages, sometimes they are jealous sometimes they fight and sometimes they love each other. At different ages and stages. l tell my girls there are always people in life that will have be better than you. But you should be happy with what you have like the mimi and simi book.[b]

amother

Oleander

Wed, Dec 29 2021, 11:09 pm

Give a ton of extra attention to the 8 year old even if you don't feel like it
Compliment every tiny thing she does that can possibly be interpreted as "kind" or "thoughtful" as often as possible especially toward the younger sister. I'm general, ingrain in her psyche that she is "kind" and "thoughtful" and "caring" and try as much as possible to withhold the criticism even when warranted. Compliment every tiny "big sister " thing she does. Eventually she will try and live up to it.

If possible try and give her some specific responsibilities and privileges because "she is the big sister.

Never ever compare them in any way. Hope this helps.