Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
Mussar that is actually damaging - share your incident
Previous  1  2  3  4  5  Next



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother
Aconite


 

Post Fri, Dec 31 2021, 9:34 am
amother [ Lime ] wrote:
I owned a bedding store and had an ad of a full size bed with 2 pillows. I got an anonymous letter in the mill with $20 rebuking me for posting such disgusting pictures that someone should cv”s imagine a couple lying in the bed together!!! And the $20 was for me to give you my graphic artist to change it to a single bed. I gave the $20 to my little brother and told him to buy ice cream.


All kinds of crazies come out when it comes to advertising. I work in the field- the calls and emails I get are so bad its funny.
Don't let it get to you, it means your ad did its job
Back to top

amother
Oak


 

Post Fri, Dec 31 2021, 9:52 am
When I was very sick while pregnant I was given more than one speech about using birth control by people who certainly had no right to my medical info.
My reaction: Mumble and stare in horror.
What my reaction should have been: To say I'd give her contact info to my Rav and doctors so they could consult with her.

I made the mistake of posting here about this epic bc failure - IUD plus foam after I was told by my drs and rav that I did need bc (though this was no one else's business!). I made the bigger mistake of posting here that I was actually happy despite my fears since I really did want another child, and someone here (under amother, of course) responded that I should be slapped!
Back to top

Petra




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Dec 31 2021, 9:55 am
FranticFrummie wrote:
Oh my gosh, these stories are nuts! Hugs to everyone, and may your embarrassment be turned to brachos 100x.

This is a small incident, but it made a big impact on me. A woman I knew just converted, and she threw a big Shabbos seuda to celebrate. I was just becoming frum myself, and the table was full of people who I was just getting to know.

After lunch she served tea. When I took my teabag out of the cup, I squished it a bit to squeeze out the last bit, just like my very frugal mom always did. It was sheer force of habit, and I hadn't given it a thought.

Suddenly, this woman JUMPS from her seat and yells "SHABBOS! You can't squeeze liquid out of a teabag! It's a melacha! It's ossur!"

I wanted to crawl under the table and die. I must have turned white, and then 100 shades of red. Everyone was looking at me, and all I could do was sit there and pretend to be calm. "Sorry, I forgot." For the rest of the meal I didn't say a single word to anyone, because I was so terrified of making a mistake.

I could never look that woman in the eye again after that, because I harbored such feelings against her that I didn't want to project onto her. I just avoided her at all costs.

To embarrass someone publicly is like spilling blood. embarrassed

(I also want to thank all the kiruv rabbis and their families, who gently corrected me in private, explained to me the halacha, and never made me feel like a lowly worm.)


Shame on everyone else sitting around the table that day that did not come to your rescue and divert the serious embarrassment that woman was causing you! Like “Oops. Don’t worry. It happens sometimes…”
Back to top

amother
Raspberry


 

Post Fri, Dec 31 2021, 9:57 am
amother [ Lime ] wrote:
I owned a bedding store and had an ad of a full size bed with 2 pillows. I got an anonymous letter in the mill with $20 rebuking me for posting such disgusting pictures that someone should cv”s imagine a couple lying in the bed together!!! And the $20 was for me to give you my graphic artist to change it to a single bed. I gave the $20 to my little brother and told him to buy ice cream.

That's terrible, but also kind of hilarious because s/he sees a bed and automatically thinks up s-xual imagery, and s/he thinks the ad is the problem?
Back to top

kenz




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Dec 31 2021, 10:01 am
amother [ Pistachio ] wrote:
Few years ago I lost a newborn baby and to find meaning I started to go to Shabbos shiur weekly. As the Rebetzin Was giving lecture someone asked her about evil eye and what it can do. She proceeded to explain saying that when someone is jealous and looks at someone with evil eye then this can cause judgement. Judgement where Hashem decides if person DESERVES what they got. And as she said that she made strong eye contact with me. She knew my family personally so this was blow in heart to me.

Please give me her address and I will go punch her in the face for you.
Have you spoken to her since?
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Fri, Dec 31 2021, 10:10 am
For a long time I was struggling with wearing a certain lvush my parents ‘bestowed’ on me. It was a great trigger for marital strife and spiritual rejection. I finally came around and decided to embrace it to the best of my ability. I’m sure hashem knows the korban.

Random pool lady told me (publicly for that matter) “woman who wear aforementioned lvush don’t have a right to wear bathing suits! It was assured In your community!”

Guess who lost interest in doing any more self work.
Back to top

zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Dec 31 2021, 11:04 am
amother [ Raspberry ] wrote:
That's terrible, but also kind of hilarious because s/he sees a bed and automatically thinks up s-xual imagery, and s/he thinks the ad is the problem?


Rather like Victorian England covering up the legs of furniture (and referring to them as "limbs" rather than "legs") because the sight of them would inflame their youth into paroxysms of unbridled passion.
Back to top

amother
Seashell


 

Post Fri, Dec 31 2021, 11:11 am
B"H I don't live in Lakewood Ir HaKodesh or anywhere like it. Here, comments like these are not considered normal or acceptable. We may have a few crazies here and there, and a friend of mine did once get an anonymous letter in her mailbox advising her that she had put up her eruve the wrong way, but in general, most people live and let live. You want to give mussar, you give a mussar shiur.
Back to top

Lady A




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Dec 31 2021, 11:24 am
Reading some of the experiences, I really feel for you ladies.
I want to share my positive Lakewood experience though.
Last Pesach, chol mo’ed, dd and I drove in to do some shopping. Dd is a lovely teen but going through some rebellion. She wears jeans. I didn’t fight her that day because I wanted to have a positive experience.
We shopped in a couple huge food stores, a seforim shop, and a clothing store. NO comments made!
Yes, there were stares but even then mostly by little kids.Dd and I definitely look alike and any adult could tell she was my daughter and I obviously had my hands full already. We both had a great time.
Back to top

amother
Seashell


 

Post Fri, Dec 31 2021, 11:30 am
Lady A wrote:

Dd ... wears jeans.


Your dd wore jeans in Lakewood and wasn't self-conscious? I have to give her points for self-confidence.
Back to top

amother
Ivory


 

Post Fri, Dec 31 2021, 11:30 am
These stories are awful. Genuine hugs to everyone. I have some of my own but am hesitant because I may trigger myself by sharing them. Crying
Back to top

amother
Lime


 

Post Fri, Dec 31 2021, 11:38 am
amother [ Raspberry ] wrote:
That's terrible, but also kind of hilarious because s/he sees a bed and automatically thinks up s-xual imagery, and s/he thinks the ad is the problem?


It was really funny. I wasn’t offended.
Back to top

amother
Lime


 

Post Fri, Dec 31 2021, 11:40 am
Lady A wrote:
Reading some of the experiences, I really feel for you ladies.
I want to share my positive Lakewood experience though.
Last Pesach, chol mo’ed, dd and I drove in to do some shopping. Dd is a lovely teen but going through some rebellion. She wears jeans. I didn’t fight her that day because I wanted to have a positive experience.
We shopped in a couple huge food stores, a seforim shop, and a clothing store. NO comments made!
Yes, there were stares but even then mostly by little kids.Dd and I definitely look alike and any adult could tell she was my daughter and I obviously had my hands full already. We both had a great time.


There are lots of kids at risk in Lakewood nowadays. I don’t think she will stand out in that way… Sad

Point aside, you sound like a great mom.
Back to top

amother
Daffodil


 

Post Fri, Dec 31 2021, 11:44 am
My DH suffers from a mental health condition. Most of the time he's stable, but we've been thru some rough times.

At one point we went to speak to a certain Rav about the issues we were facing. I desperately needed chizuk. Instead, I got a speech about how a good wife should always dress up for her husband, and all the things I should be doing to build him up. If I would be an Isha K'shaira, my husband wouldn't need anti-depressants.

I can't tell you how painful it was to hear that. And I can't tell you how hard I tried to twist myself into being the perfect wife, before realizing that the best wife can't cure clinical depression in her husband (nor cure a lifetime of abuse he got from growing up with a narcissistic father and a codependant mother...)

The saddest thing for me is I became more sceptical. My Emunas Chachamim used to be much more pure.
Back to top

amother
Lime


 

Post Fri, Dec 31 2021, 11:50 am
amother [ Daffodil ] wrote:
My DH suffers from a mental health condition. Most of the time he's stable, but we've been thru some rough times.

At one point we went to speak to a certain Rav about the issues we were facing. I desperately needed chizuk. Instead, I got a speech about how a good wife should always dress up for her husband, and all the things I should be doing to build him up. If I would be an Isha K'shaira, my husband wouldn't need anti-depressants.

I can't tell you how painful it was to hear that. And I can't tell you how hard I tried to twist myself into being the perfect wife, before realizing that the best wife can't cure clinical depression in her husband (nor cure a lifetime of abuse he got from growing up with a narcissistic father and a codependant mother...)

The saddest thing for me is I became more sceptical. My Emunas Chachamim used to be much more pure.


I got the same speech. Hug

How I should be more available too…
As of his depression was my fault.
Back to top

amother
Daffodil


 

Post Fri, Dec 31 2021, 11:52 am
amother [ Lime ] wrote:
I got the same speech. Hug

How I should be more available too…
As of his depression was my fault.


Hug
Back to top

Notsobusy




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Dec 31 2021, 12:02 pm
amother [ Seashell ] wrote:
B"H I don't live in Lakewood Ir HaKodesh or anywhere like it. Here, comments like these are not considered normal or acceptable. We may have a few crazies here and there, and a friend of mine did once get an anonymous letter in her mailbox advising her that she had put up her eruve the wrong way, but in general, most people live and let live. You want to give mussar, you give a mussar shiur.


I'm wondering how many of these posters mentioned that their story happened it Lakewood. I don't think I saw any that said that.

I'm living in Lakewood for 20 years and I've never gotten any such comments.
Back to top

amother
Seashell


 

Post Fri, Dec 31 2021, 12:09 pm
amother [ Daffodil ] wrote:
My Emunas Chachamim used to be much more pure.


Maybe the Chachamim used to be, also. At least this particular Chacham wasn't so very wise, was he?
Back to top

amother
NeonPurple


 

Post Fri, Dec 31 2021, 12:35 pm
amother [ Seashell ] wrote:
B"H I don't live in Lakewood Ir HaKodesh or anywhere like it. Here, comments like these are not considered normal or acceptable. We may have a few crazies here and there, and a friend of mine did once get an anonymous letter in her mailbox advising her that she had put up her eruve the wrong way, but in general, most people live and let live. You want to give mussar, you give a mussar shiur.


Where does Lakewood come into any of this???

None of my stories happened in Lakewood.
Back to top

Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Dec 31 2021, 12:57 pm
amother [ Seashell ] wrote:
B"H I don't live in Lakewood Ir HaKodesh or anywhere like it. Here, comments like these are not considered normal or acceptable. We may have a few crazies here and there, and a friend of mine did once get an anonymous letter in her mailbox advising her that she had put up her eruve the wrong way, but in general, most people live and let live. You want to give mussar, you give a mussar shiur.


B"H I do live in Lakewood. We once had a neighbor who was a little (to put it mildly) on the extreme side, and he came knocking on our door one day to tell us that our DD, who was 10 at the time, was wearing dresses that were too short. He said he came out of shul on Shabbos and (gasp) he saw her knees.

As it happens, I had just recently gone thru her clothes with her and all of them adequately covered her knees, it happens to be something we are makpid on at that age. She happened to have been an active 10 year old. Likely she was jumping rope, or playing ball, or whatever....

We spoke to our Lakewood RW Rav, who told us our DD was fine, and there's something wrong with guys who notice little girls' knees. He should not be looking.

All sorts of people everywhere....BTW the guy is not a born-and-bred Lakewooder.
Back to top
Page 4 of 5 Previous  1  2  3  4  5  Next Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Share your new finds here
by amother
9 Yesterday at 11:55 pm View last post
The sugar dilemma - can you share your opinion?
by amother
38 Yesterday at 5:44 pm View last post
Declaring bankruptcy please share experiences?
by amother
8 Sun, Mar 24 2024, 10:06 pm View last post
Willing to share your bar mitzvah schedule?
by NJmom
2 Sun, Mar 17 2024, 9:21 am View last post
Is this damaging to the eyes?
by amother
2 Thu, Mar 14 2024, 10:14 pm View last post