Home

The diference between suffering victums and not.your opinion

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling


View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother




OP
 

Post Sat, Jan 08 2022, 1:43 pm
hey,
My husband was molested (I don't know details, he spoke about it once, a bit. I never probed him) he was in camp and a counselor undressed him and touched him. this happened more than once.

the counselor tried keeping in touch.
there was a wedding right near my husband's house a few months after camp. the counselor told him 'come, lets hang out'
my husband didn't want to go, his parents asked him y, and he told his mother e/t that happened in camp. his father went to the wedding and basically confronted the counselor and told him very strictly never to go near his son again NEVER EVER.

My husband is bh an amazing normal and stable person.
My question is.
What's the difference between him and others. why are some people a shell of themselves and other victims are left without any scars?

is it in the reaction or what?
Back to top

Success10




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Jan 08 2022, 1:50 pm
I'm not an expert in this area of trauma B"H, but I think all trauma starts out as an incident that isn't processed properly by the brain. Meaning it's not the actual incident, it's how the (often young) mind processes it. It could be if it's processed properly, it doesn't get stored as "trauma". But if it's not processed properly, some young people will store this in their brain as "I was violated for someone else's pleasure, therefore I am not human, I'm worthless." or even "I deserve this. I'm bad".

Your dh didn't file it that way, for whatever reason, B"H. Also, he saw his parents sticking up for him and he was able to talk to them about it, and possibly process it in a more healthy way, as opposed to holding it in for years and years. That also might have helped. And some of it is just yad Hashem and we don't necessarily know why some are more affected than others.
Back to top

werty




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Jan 08 2022, 2:21 pm
I keep hearing how important it is that kids feel they can talk to their parents if ch"v something happens. this seems to prove it!! it sounds like his parents' intervention made all the difference
Back to top

amother




Forestgreen
 

Post Sat, Jan 08 2022, 2:35 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
hey,
My husband was molested (I don't know details, he spoke about it once, a bit. I never probed him) he was in camp and a counselor undressed him and touched him. this happened more than once.

the counselor tried keeping in touch.
there was a wedding right near my husband's house a few months after camp. the counselor told him 'come, lets hang out'
my husband didn't want to go, his parents asked him y, and he told his mother e/t that happened in camp. his father went to the wedding and basically confronted the counselor and told him very strictly never to go near his son again NEVER EVER.

My husband is bh an amazing normal and stable person.
My question is.
What's the difference between him and others. why are some people a shell of themselves and other victims are left without any scars?

is it in the reaction or what?


It was camp, limited to camp. A few months later (maybe they were a horrible few months and he was a shell of himself then) he told his parents, they believed him and confronted the counselor. He understood that there are people who believe him and can keep him safe and who will go after those who hurt them. That's HUGE!!

Also it sounds from your description that your DH grew up in a relatively healthy home, which in itself mitigates the damage and trauma, and helps him be more able to process trauma and move on. Many victims don't have that, victims of molestation are disproportionately those who don't have healthy home lives so the hurt is compounded by lack of healthy and safe home, and lack of stable trustworthy adult who can help them and protect them.

It also depends how he was touched....there are different levels....and you also don't know who he would be had he not been molested.
Back to top

amother




Hawthorn
 

Post Sat, Jan 08 2022, 2:50 pm
I think (and according to research I have read this seems to be accurate) there are many different factors. The reaction to the abuse, biological factors, psychological factors, extant of abuse.

My husband was abused by an older guy in shul a bunch of times, at one point he had enough and stopped going to the shul bathroom (where it was happening) and it had zero effect on him.

I was abused by a family friend twice. In the scheme of things it was supper minor. Because my parents HAD spoken to me I knew it was "wrong" and I also knew that my job was to be a "good girl" and not 'cause additional stress( my brother is autistic) and I was old enough to know my parents would be horrified and it would 'cause issues with the family who helped my mom a lot .I had no doubt my parents would believe me and deal with it - I was trying to protect them. I held on to that secret for years, and it ate up at me, and when I got married caused many issues wwith emotional and physical intimacy. B"h we got a lot of help and I am fine.

Is it the secret that caused my isssues?
The fact that I am a female?
My make-up?

Who knows,
Back to top

amother




Indigo
 

Post Sat, Jan 08 2022, 3:20 pm
My sister and I both experienced abuse from the same person at the same ages, and had very different outcomes

I have severe depression, anxiety disorders, nervous breakdowns, antisocial scared to go outside sometimes, so so many issues and I have never been the same since

My sister is complete opposite, she is so outgoing and normal and you would never guess anything ever happened to her

She still has her own issues and trauma to deal with and we were both going to therapy for years to deal with our trauma

It’s just interesting to think that 2 ppl can go through the exact same experience and have very different reactions or issues come out of it
Back to top

amother




Grape
 

Post Sat, Jan 08 2022, 4:05 pm
Sometimes it's just luck of the draw. Some people's brains or whatever just handle it better. In your husband's case, I think the support of his parents was likely a factor. When I was abused, I didn't tell my parents for various reasons, but they noticed something was off with me and got me help and were supportive (even without ever knowing what happened). I definitely believe having that support is the reason I came out of it relatively unscathed. Maybe I would have come off even better if I'd told them.
Back to top

vintagebknyc




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Jan 08 2022, 4:05 pm
Why do I suffer from depression and my brother does not? Why am I a redhead, while you are a brunette? Why do some people have phobias? Do you see where I am headed?

Hashem didn’t make each of us exactly the same. That is why something that might make me simply angry, for example—the way I reacted when I was assaulted by a friend in college—would totally destroy another woman. And I had an attempted assault, on a date in my 30s, that scared me half to death.

There are so many factors
Back to top

amother




Mocha
 

Post Sat, Jan 08 2022, 4:07 pm
Some people get hit by a car and don't survive. Some people are hit by a car and walk away without a scratch. The same goes for trauma.
Back to top

amother




Ginger
 

Post Sun, Jan 09 2022, 6:18 am
Having an adult immediately believe you, speak out for you, stand up for you...changes EVERYTHING.
Back to top
Page 1 of 1 Recent Topics

View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Unpopular opinion: you don’t need your makeup done
by amother
77 Mon, Nov 21 2022, 9:53 am View last post
Does everyone have a set amount of happiness and suffering
by amother
5 Tue, Nov 08 2022, 6:53 am View last post
Public opinion vs what's right for you
by amother
9 Thu, Sep 29 2022, 9:14 am View last post
Can you build character without suffering? 58 Thu, Sep 22 2022, 7:29 pm View last post
Please give your opinion of this dress
by amother
36 Mon, Jun 27 2022, 3:35 am View last post