WWYD about going to acquaintances vort?

amother

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 8:16 am

One of my single friends set me up bh with my lovely DH a few years ago
her vort is tonight about an hour away

im not rly close with her (we never really were. I was an acquaintance of her friend and she met me once and thought of the idea)... things also didnt end positively when I had to give shadchanus... we had a go between instead of a single girl. I asked daas torah and was told that shadchanus goes mostly to the go between and this girl recieves 500$. I wasnt working at the time, my parents arent frum, I paid for alot of my chasuna things on my own... and 500$ was a lot of money but bh I gave with a happy heart....

she wasnt happy and told me I didnt give enough.

I really just dont have the energy to get dressed and go tonight on a cold wintry night, especially with a baby that im trying to sleep train

wwyd in this situation?

amother

Ballota

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 8:18 am

She set you up with your husband and you don’t have the energy to go to her engagement party? Good thing she had the energy to make your shidduch

amother

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 8:23 am

amother [ Ballota ] wrote:

She set you up with your husband and you don’t have the energy to go to her engagement party? Good thing she had the energy to keep your shidduch

Did you read my OP.
I said the way things ended werent pleasant. She told me she deserves more money, she doesnt know who "the he**" my daas torah is who gave his psak and HER daas torah said she deserves all the shadchanus. it put a bad taste in my mouth.

amother

Electricblue

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 8:25 am

amother [ Ballota ] wrote:

She set you up with your husband and you don’t have the energy to go to her engagement party? Good thing she had the energy to make your shidduch

It sounded like she just thought of the idea in passing and didn't do much afterwards...
Not need to be passive aggressive.

If I were you, I would probably still go but not with DH. Can he stay home and try to help with the baby?

amother

Ballota

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 8:25 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Yes I read your whole post. Doesn’t matter to me. Not being mesameach in her simcha seems petty and low and selfish. Take the high road. And to me she’s not ‘an acquaintance’ She’s the woman who made your shidduch whose relationship with you soured

amother

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 8:26 am

amother [ Natural ] wrote:

She does deserve more money. She thought of the shidduch and deserves at least $2k. Single or not.

Signed, a shadchan

Daas torah was asked and both my rav and husbands rav spoke extensively about how much was to be given. We dont pay 2000 in my circles. I mentioned above im a BT who wasnt working and had 1000$ to my name. I gave her 500$ with a happy heart.

amother

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 8:27 am

amother [ Electricblue ] wrote:

right she didnt do much she just thought of the idea and after that the shadchan was very involved
thats a good idea im going to see if hell be home in time.... thanks for not being mean TMI

amother

Ballota

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 8:27 am

amother [ Electricblue ] wrote:

In my circles the person who had the idea and implemented the idea is the shadchan. Full stop. Sounds like OP is being kfui tov.

amother

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 8:29 am

amother [ Ballota ] wrote:

In my circles the person who had the idea and implemented the idea is the shadchan. Full stop. Sounds like OP is being kofer tov.

seriously what is wrong with you
no need to be so snarky

amother

Ghostwhite

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 8:29 am

You used someone else as a go between just because she was single right? That’s why she should have gotten more.
Something just irks me the way you are trying to defend yourself.

amother

Electricblue

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 8:29 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

right she didnt do much she just thought of the idea and after that the shadchan was very involved
thats a good idea im going to see if hell be home in time.... thanks for not being mean TMI

Sorry, not sure why others are bashing you...
I cant say I understand your background and current situation but it doesn't sound like it was easy.

Good luck!

amother

Cobalt

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 8:30 am

If you are still feeling resentful probably better you don't go imo.
It would probably bring up bad feelings for her and be a downer for her. Why should she feel uncomfortable at her own engagement party? Plus it doesn't sound like you are friends anymore anyway. It doesn't even sound like you'd be invited to the wedding if you had a falling out years ago and never made up.
Since it's her celebration, put her feelings first instead of your own.

amother

Ballota

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 8:31 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

seriously what is wrong with you
no need to be so snarky

You asked our opinion. I gave it. I think you should go. I also think your misrepresenting who she is to you.

amother

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 8:31 am

amother [ Ghostwhite ] wrote:

You used someone else as a go between just because she was single right? That’s why she should have gotten more.
Something just irks me the way you are trying to defend yourself.

Huh? My husbands rosh yeshiva didnt feel comfortable with a single girl being a go between and ive had friends set me up before. It gets messy when they dont know subtleties of things to say things not to say, things to pass onto the other side.

We had a professional shadchan who had to speak to my in laws, my parents, explain the shidduch system... my family is not frum at all im the oldest they didnt understand anything about the process...

I dont think I need to defend myself to rude anonymous posters

amother

Cobalt

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 8:32 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You aren't friends with her anymore so actually I think it would be weirder if you did go.

amother

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 8:32 am

amother [ Cobalt ] wrote:

we never had a falling out. I had her over for shabbos a few times when I lived in her community.
she even apologized to me for demanding more money. my husbands side also gave money to her, she just wanted more. I was taken aback. I never told her it was hurtful the way she spoke to me as a poor kallah.

ill try to go. just waiting for my covid test back too.. we have to test before going...

amother

Ebony

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 8:33 am

amother [ Natural ] wrote:

She does deserve more money. She thought of the shidduch and deserves at least $2k. Single or not.

Signed, a shadchan

The shadchan who makes the shidduch gets the money. The one who thought of the idea usually just gets a minor sum or a gift.
Going to her vort is a matter of how close you feel to her and has nothing to do with her thinking of your shidduch. It’s an hour away and it’s not a wedding. Your relationship is not amazing. It’s really not a must.