WWYD about going to acquaintances vort?

amother

Natural

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 5:05 pm

amother [ Hunter ] wrote:

I suggested three shiduchim.
Key word - suggested.

$0, $50 & $360

I can't believe that someone wouldn't be grateful for $500. Wow. I guess I'm just grateful that that's not my world.

It's really not about the amount. Like I said upthread, I received a pair of costume jewelry earrings for one of my matches when I was single- and I value them greatly because the couple was so grateful. Here, it sounds like the matchmaker was pushed aside and "disqualified " because she was single and in the end was not treated with gratitude so of course she is not happy with the (definitely below standard) shadchanus. Attitude is everything and bringing in that you are a BT and daas torah said etc only makes it worse.

skyeblue

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 5:09 pm

amother [ Winterberry ] wrote:

Since when is someone’s dissatisfaction the arbiter of halacha - especially since the Rav paskened otherwise? $500 is very generous, especially for not doing any go-between work.

I hear you - I think you're right. There is such a thing as asking too much, and OP later mentioned that the girl herself had apologized to her afterwards.

amother

Winterberry

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 5:12 pm

amother [ Wine ] wrote:

It's not because she's single that she got less. It's because she didn't do the go-between work.
The reason she didn't do that is because it wouldn't be appropriate in their circles for a young single girl to constantly have back and forth conversations about dating with a bochur. It's not like she did all the go-between work and got paid less because she's single.

This!

amother

Jean

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 5:42 pm

amother [ Natural ] wrote:

Worse? As a BT myself, I don't follow your reasoning. A BT would not be familiar with the cultural nuances of arranged marriages. She asked her rabbi what to do and followed instructions. She did nothing wrong.

amother

Cobalt

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 5:50 pm

amother [ Jean ] wrote:

Sounds like she became a BT very young. Since she went to a New York Bais Yaakov high school (which is way more intense than an oot one), and in my observations those people who became religious as a preteen or teen are very well integrated and get the nuances quite well. And she said she didn't marry so young. So that's at least 10 years of being religious and starting dating more or less the same time as her BY peers. It does sound like she and her friend must be in somewhat different religious circles, though, maybe because her friend went to an oot BY?

I still don't get going to a dayan though. Are there Sephardi ones? My sephardi friends just refer to rabbis/their rav, but I guess it depends on which specific Sephardi circle?

Notsobusy

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 5:57 pm

amother [ Natural ] wrote:

Wow! I disagree with every point you made.

She wasn't disqualified because op doesn't like single women, in their community it would be very inappropriate for a single girl to have such kind of conversations with a single guy.

Op said she introduced her to everyone at the vort as the one who thought of the idea, and she thanked her repeatedly. Where do you see no gratitude?

And it should make a tremendous amount difference both that op is a BT and doesn't have her parents support, and that op did what her rav said. She should be respected for both of those, not denigrated for them.

I'm really surprised at your attitude. I would think that as a shadchan you should know just how much work and how many hours it can take to get a couple engaged. Don't you think the person who does all that work should get paid more than the person who threw out a name and had nothing more to do with it?

amother

Lotus

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 6:31 pm

I think if you don't go, it shows kfeui tova. She did a huge chessed for you, the least you should do for your shadchan is show up to her simchas, engagement, wedding....

As for the shadchanus, was the Rav you paid the bigger shadchanus to, the same one you asked about how much to give to the person who thought of the idea?

There's a big inyan to make sure your shadchan is satisfied with the amount. I would try setting aside money each month until you can repay what she expected. W paid 3x to our shadchan because each time she "forgot" we paid.

I really don't understand why you wouldn't use a single woman as a go between, just because someone is married doesn't mean she is a better go between than someone single.

amother

Daylily

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 6:48 pm

amother [ Lotus ] wrote:

Op explained several times why she didn’t use the single girl as the go between.

She also said she had a 3 way conversation between her rav, her husbands rosh yeshiva, and the couple to figure out what to do about the shadchanus.

She also said she paid the rest of the shadchanus to the shadchan.

Maybe reread.

amother

Burgundy

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 8:10 pm

amother [ Natural ] wrote:

That's fine for THEN but you are still NOW responsible for the full amount. On no planet is $500 ok and I'm fully MO liberal. As a matchmaker, I will tell you that $2k is the bare minimum in all circles.

The shadchan is the one who thinks of and mentions the idea. Period. The "go betweens" are merely helpers. And no, don't go quoting daas torah and mentioning you are a BT. Both point irrelevant. .
And the fact that you mentioned she was single st the time is disrespectful. She was your matchmaker.

As far as an engagement party- if you are able to go, go.

I can’t read this whole thread, but on my planet 500$ is ok if you can’t afford more.
What’s wrong with you?
Please don’t ever try to set any of my kids up.
My experience with all types of shadchanim has been way different then whatever ridiculous opinions you’re posting.
Op, you did nothing wrong. I’ve suggested things, and let others take over when I thought it would be best for the couple. It’s perfectly acceptable when your motivation is in the right place and not all about the money.

dancingqueen

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 8:21 pm

amother [ Wine ] wrote:

Right but she didn’t get to do the go between work because she is single so it’s kind of circular. Especially if she’s related to the guy it seems like it would be less of an issue that she was single, but that’s just me. It’s actually a huge compliment to set someone up with your family and I do find it odd that op is more angry at her than grateful.

I’m curious how much the go between got paid.

amother

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 10:27 pm

cant remember how much the go between got paid, we paid in shekels as we dated in e"y...
yes we have sefardi dayanim, two of my BILs are dayanim

I went to the vort popped in and out said mazal tov
she kept making comments about how yeshivish I looked and how old I looked I thought it was weird but whatever.

thanks everyone for the chizuk.
thank you to those that responded in kind
and to those that were quite snarky and bitter (you know who you are) I hope u never act that way in person and certainly dont behave like that when you set people up.

hatzlacha to all and iyh only simchas!

amother

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 10:30 pm

amother [ Lotus ] wrote:

no. I asked my rav, a big posek in e"y. many of you would recognize his name and seforim.
he told me how much to give the rav who was the go between.
and like I mentioned several times throughout this thread, its not appropriate for a single bochur to speak to a single girl after dates. and we both wanted a professional go between to explain things to both of our parents, speak to my father after dates etc.

amother

Electricblue

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 11:00 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Not sure why these posters are making you explain yourself.... you have no reason to. Its like they totally missed your point in the OP. And you followed days torah. Whatever.

Glad it worked out for you to go and I hope you enjoyed the quiet car ride. Thanks for the update!

amother

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 11:05 pm

amother [ Electricblue ] wrote:

ive been on this website about 2 years now and im realizing that alot of women are just cruel and mean and take out their anger on others.. mean people hide being amother what can I say.... it truly makes me wonder what their husbands are like and if they're as selfish