Kids have ADHD/ASD. Possible to have a clean house?

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)

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torquoise

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 11:27 am

After a decade of fighting the mess, I'm wondering if I should just give up, and have the messiest house on the block, which disgusts me. I don't have energy to fight with my kids, or to just give up and clean it myself.
Why is it so messy, you ask? Combination of a few things.
1. One child is sort of on the spectrum (as in, he is extremely bright and could take some responsibility for his actions, but very impulsive), and just plows through life, leaving, literally, a trail of destruction - spilled food and liquids, toys, belongings like coat, backpack, school papers and stuff.
2. We have no money. I have 2 hours of cleaning help a week to get bathrooms and floors cleaned.
3. dh is extremely reluctant to throw things out, he says it's because we can't afford to replace it, but we're talking broken things, clothes with holes....
4. Another kid has ADHD and LOVES STUFF - prizes, toys, random papers. Anything she ever laid eyes on becomes hers and can't ever be disposed of or given away. (She has intense, exhausting tantrums.)

The kids are still young (12 and under) and yes they do chores, but I can't expect them to do it well.
I'm not a neat freak, I would just like the floors to be somewhat clear so we can walk without tripping, and surfaces clean and not crumbly or sticky. I want to walk into a room and not think "ugh gross".

Please tell me I'm not the only one. How to deal with the dirt and mess?

Do not tell me to get more cleaning help. I'm not going into debt for it. And anyway, things need to be organized and put away. From my experience, cleaning ladies do the opposite - they just dump stuff where it doesn't belong, creating more chaos.

amother

Begonia

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 11:30 am

I have both types of kids, a very small house, and no cleaning help.
The only thing I do differently is I quietly throw out things all the time.
My house and the kids rooms look decent most of the time.

amother

Cantaloupe

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 11:32 am

In answer to your question, no, it's not possible! Speaking from experience.
Unless you want to run yourself down to the ground. And I do have cleaning help twice a week for 3 hours. So twice a week my house appears to be somewhat functional. But the rest of the time it's a disaster. It's not fun, but I've given up. My physical and mental health is important too. So I've officially stopped caring.

cupcake123

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 11:36 am

I dont know if this will work with your sn kids but it's worth a shot.
Let them keep a nice container in their room. That's their container. They can keep whatever junk, shmattas etc. they want as long as it fits in that container.

Throw out stuff! I know it's hard for your dh try to maybe talk logically to him. Say "we do not gain anything financially by keeping this"

If you can save up for a roomba. I also dont have cleaning help. But I have a roomba. Every day at the end of the day when my house is full of crumbs and who knows what I'm motivated to quickly clean up and then put on roomba.

Buy cleaning products that will make your life easier even if they're a little more expensive because hey it's cheaper then a cleaning lady. Example I Clorox wipe my bathrooms instead of spraying and wiping with a shmatta. I find it goes quicker. I also buy the disposable toilet cleaners.

Lastly treat yourself! That's also cheaper then a cleaning lady. My thing is coffee so I'll tell myself I'm buying a coffee and then I'll clean. Or I'm going to clean and order takeout for dinner...

Good luck OP!

torquoise

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 11:37 am

Thanks so much for these validating responses. It's so nice to know it's not a reflection of me or my homemaking skills. And good idea about quietly throwing things out. I'll try to do that more often...

torquoise

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 11:41 am

Cupcake, thank you for the awesome ideas! I'm writing it down, and will try to implement...
Especially the Roomba idea. I've had my eye on one for a long time, and beH when we can, I hope to buy one.

cupcake123

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 11:46 am

Another thing that helps is when I tell my kids
Clean up 34 toys
Or clean up 20 yellow toys
But I think this would only work with much younger kids.

And yes! I'm obsessed with my roomba! Target has sales a lot and if you have the target card it's an extra 5% off.

amother

DarkOrange

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 11:51 am

I second a roomba because a roomba needs the floor to be free of things to work it motivates me to pick up and throw out a lot of things. I also quietly throw out toys that don’t work, I.e most electronic stuff last a few weeks in my house or toys that need balls, pieces etc that have gone missing.

Sewsew_mom

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 11:52 am

Roomba is great.. But you need to do all the work in cleaning the floor before hand. Keep. That in mind. It doesn't actually pick up the toys and backpacks 😜
Also.. Unfortunately your husband will need to get past not throwing things out. That's the only thing that I can see helping in this situation. When there is clutter or things unnecessarily sitting around it's actually very not beneficial to adhd personality and could be contributing to the reason they can't focus and even keep anything clean.
Also will your husband help wth the household chores? They are overwhelming to do yourself. But if hell work with you make w things a day you take care of and work out a simple schedule so you go to sleep with a clean slate.
Best of luck

amother

Cantaloupe

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 12:01 pm

My method for throwing things out-I hide them in a closet or cabinet that isn't opened too often. If no-one asks for it after a few days, I bury it in the garbage.

amother

Ecru

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 12:02 pm

Sometimes I announce to my kids that I'm throwing out or confiscating any clothes/toys/books that are on the floor and if they want them, they need to pick them up right now. It changes the default from let's leave things to let's pick them up. No idea if it'll work for you.

amother

DarkYellow

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 12:07 pm

This post was a breath of fresh air. Huge struggle in my house too! The one thing that works is having limited amount of space for junk and once a month clearing it out with them. Even rewarding for doing it. I do this with both my kids. If it doesn't fit in the designated box or container it goes in the garbage.

amother

Geranium

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 12:33 pm

torquoise wrote:

I have the exact same scenario here and this is so validating for me. I am always fighting the mess. It feels like walking up a down escalator.

amother

Ruby

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 12:33 pm

I was just wondering the same thing! Just your title alone makes me feel understood.

amother

Tuberose

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 12:48 pm

I have a husband with adhd and multiple kids with adhd and/or asd. I have full time cleaning help and it's the only way I can manage. If that wasn't an option, then yes, I'd have to just live with the mess.

amother

DarkCyan

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 1:22 pm

you are not the only one
constantly wondering if I should give up but I just do my best

and dh also has adhd and collects all sort of stuff. - so we have to much stuff and too much mess

but honestly just shoes and papers and regular stuff make such a mess

when the kids are home I cannot keep a clean house

torquoise

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 1:25 pm

Sewsew_mom wrote:

Agreed- I will still need to pick things up, but it's nice to have motivation to do so
Dh helps a LOT, but with specific tasks. Dishes, garbage, laundry. He doesn't really know how to deal with the random mess. On Fridays he gets the kids involved to clean the dining room. Progress.... Wink

torquoise

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 1:26 pm

amother [ Cantaloupe ] wrote:

My method for throwing things out-I hide them in a closet or cabinet that isn't opened too often. If no-one asks for it after a few days, I bury it in the garbage.

Love this!

torquoise

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 1:29 pm

amother [ Ecru ] wrote:

Same! Ok now I won't feel so guilty when they start crying and complaining in return.

Rubies

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 1:31 pm

The answer is getting rid of stuff. Just getting rid of everything but the absolutely necessary. Think minimalist.
The child that loves stuff is also probably constantly coming up with new things to love. Keep one spot for that kid, when it overflows, child needs to sort and dispose.

Here's a question to ask yourself when facing extra toys, clothing, and stuff: is this worth the sanity of a mother to this family? Put your guilt and theoretical organized house aside.

Once you pare down all the things, there's more energy for streamlining and requiring things to be put away.
Too much stuff in a small house with adhd is a losing battle. The cycle feeds itself.

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