How to get info on divorcee

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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amother

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 2:11 pm

Hey,

Is it ok to call the ex-wife to ask her why her marriage ended and to find out about her ex-husband?

Thank you!

amother

Brown

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 2:16 pm

Nope. It's not a phone call she's interested in taking and it's not fair.
Call their rav.

amother

Maple

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 2:17 pm

I was advised that it is by my rav. (Being both someone who is divorced and who dated divorced men.)

My rav will not speak to things he doesn't know with direct evidence, but knows I have important things to say and that I will say them appropriately according to the Torah.

I would usually start by asking third parties about the situation, and if still interested, pursue contacting the ex wife either directly or via a trusted third party who is a confidant of mine.

watergirl

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 2:24 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Hey,

Is it ok to call the ex-wife to ask her why her marriage ended and to find out about her ex-husband?

Thank you!

Ex-wife, remarried to a divorced man here.

As an ex wife, I asked a shailah ages ago when I got divorced if I am ever asked anything by someone dating my ex (which would be a miracle because he stopped being frum), to send them to him and not to answer.

As a women married to a divorced man, NO! Why do you think you would get a truthful, honest answer? My husband's ex wife tells everyone with ears that he is a deadbeat father who never paid a cent of child support. Well, we've been married 16 years now and I have the packet of cancelled checks as proof he never missed a single payment (she believed her own lie to the extent that she took him to court for non-payment and they told her she is convoluted!). She will tell you all the ways he was a horrible husband. She won't tell you all of the ways she contributed to the issues they had. Had I spoke to her before going out with my husband, I have no idea what I would have done, but I know after hearing what she told people (because she talked to EVERYONE), she told a lot of lies. Like, a lot.

I can not imagine ANYONE, man or women, would tell you the objective and subjective truth about their ex's. Just like, do you expect her to also tell you good things? That would never happen because once you are at the point where you get divorced, you can no longer recall the good things.

I also don’t think anybody can be honest with you regarding why their marriage ended in regards to what they did to contribute. Everybody likes to blame the other party and nobody likes to look at what they did. It's very hard, and takes a lot of therapy to be able to understand what YOU did to contribute to the marriage ending.

amother

Candycane

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 2:33 pm

watergirl wrote:

It depends. My good friend got divorced because of a specific issue her husband had that he wasn't willing to work on and it wasn't possible to stay married. A few years later he actually went for help and eventually pulled himself together and started dating.

Before he got engaged the woman he was dating called my friend to ask about him. He had already told her all about his issue and how he was dealing with it and the changes he had made. She wanted to make sure that there wasn't anything else that he hadn't told her.

My friend didn't have any other issues with him and was happy to tell her that.

watergirl

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 2:38 pm

As to your subject line: how to get info on a divorcee - the way you get info on anyone else!

Remember, while a divorce is a MAJOR part of a person, hopefully by the time they are in shidduchim again, they have done a LOT of work on themselves, gone through a lot of therapy, and learned how to not repeat the same issues. In many senses, it is just not the same person anymore. Not the same person who first stood under the chuppah and not the same person who gave/received the gett. Trauma changes a person and the subsequent healing does as well, and hopefully improves many things about them! My husband was honest with me regarding his shortcomings and the things he did that caused conflict. He told me that he can be lazy (I am also sometimes lazy and told him the same).

If someone called my husband to ask about his ex, he would most likely say what I've heard him say to people who know her who ask him how she is doing or what she's up to; "I don't know her anymore". Because he doesn't.

In regards to therapy and how important it is post-divorce, I went to therapy before I decided to date again. My husband also did, so both of us had a year and a half of intense therapy before we ever met. His ex had never gone to therapy because she felt HE was the problem. She got married again, divorced again, and no therapy AGAIN. She blamed who for her divorce? My husband! Ex #1! She got married and divorced AGAIN and AGAIN no therapy (she is vocal about this) and who did she blame? Ex #1. Again. I wonder what her story would be if she went for help. I wish her the best and wish she could move on in a healthy way.

This is so odd. My mother in law once got a call from (see if you can follow this bouncing ball) a women who wanted information about the ex husband of her son's ex-wife. My husband's ex wife's second ex-husband. She was not asking about the ex-DIL, just about her second ex. Her research went THAT far that they hunted my MIL down at her work place and freaked her out. She is not frum and was really annoyed to say the least.

amother

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 2:48 pm

Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply.

So there was never therapy done post divorce or throughout the divorce and the reason given for the divorce ten years ago was "not getting along" and being young.

I'm not sure how to get more info...

watergirl

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 3:00 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Yikes. Somebody who did not go to therapy post divorce, and/or through divorce is not somebody who is ready to date in my opinion. Divorce is a serious trauma. You need to work through it. Some people have to literally learn how to get along.

I repeat, I would be very very wary of anybody who got divorced and did not seek therapy afterwards.

Are there any children?

amother

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 3:58 pm

There is one teenage daughter. It seems that culturally, therapy wasn't in the picture for him.

amother

Maple

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 4:03 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

There is one teenage daughter. It seems that culturally, therapy wasn't in the picture for him.

That would be a huge red flag for me.

I had an experience of being married to someone with very different views than I on therapy---probably due to different cultural backgrounds. Long story short, he was ultimately very skeptical/anti therapy and simplistically viewed people who go to therapy as incapable of dealing with their lives on their own. It largely contributed to our divorce because 1. he wouldn't get help for himself or for us as a couple and 2. he was very hurtful and cruel about my going to therapy---which also hurt our relationship.

watergirl

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 4:04 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

There is one teenage daughter. It seems that culturally, therapy wasn't in the picture for him.

Ok big fat no on this guy.

amother

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 4:07 pm

watergirl wrote:

Ok big fat no on this guy.

Don't you think that that view is a bit close-minded? My husband had zero exposure to therapy before he married me and thought it was for people with major issues.
Ten years ago I don't think people were as therapy minded in general...

amother

Molasses

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 4:10 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I agree. Also, therapy doesn’t work for everyone. Some people work their issues out differently and not everyone who has had therapy is mentally healthy.

breindy s

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 4:11 pm

I would try find a close friend of hers who may have some insight

amother

Acacia

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 4:18 pm

Does he have a rav? A respectable one that you know? Otherwise get info about the rav, get the info from the rav.

I find it weird to call an ex if there’s no kid, if there is one then sending someone to call her or her family might not be nuts but can still be totoat not helpful.

watergirl

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 4:22 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Ten years ago people were still very therapy minded.

No I do not think my view is close minded. This guy is not showing responsibility from both his reasoning for the marriage ending and why he did not seek therapy (during the marriage and including the last 10 years). Ending a marriage in which there are children simply because “ we got married to young and we did not get along“ is also a red flag. If a child is involved, you’re not getting the whole story. Will he also dissolve a marriage with a new wife without seeking therapy if they are having trouble getting along?

These are all reasons that are red flags big enough to say no for me.

Coffee beanz

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 4:54 pm

I asked very specific pointed questions to the rabbi involved in the divorce. I would ask straight up about mental health issues and midos. If they avoided my questions or deflected them it was a red flag.

amother

Snapdragon

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 4:55 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Hey,

Is it ok to call the ex-wife to ask her why her marriage ended and to find out about her ex-husband?

Thank you!

Sure, if you want to hear a bunch of stories that you’ll never know if true or not.

seeker

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 5:13 pm

Putting aside your own personal need/desire for information, imagine the other party involved here. How do you think you would feel if you had gone through a divorce, even a relatively peaceful one but one that by definition involves a marriage that did not go well and then having to reshape your life afterward, not sure where you are in that recovery process but it's never linear, and someone calls you to tell you that they are considering dating your ex and wants you to talk to them - a stranger, presumably - about your ex and your past marriage. Do you suppose this would be a pleasant experience for you? In the best case scenario how pleasant would it be? How painful do you think it would be in a worst case scenario? Considering the range of possibilities, now revisit the question of whether it's ok to call the ex for information.

essie14

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 11:25 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

There is one teenage daughter. It seems that culturally, therapy wasn't in the picture for him.

HUGE red flag!
You don't want to be married to someone who doesn't try to work out his problems.
Divorce is a trauma and everyone involved needs to work it out in therapy.
What if the 2 of you need therapy? He won't want to go?

I dated divorced guys and married a widower. I'd never go near someone who hasn't processed a trauma in therapy.

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