Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Parenting our children
Creating trust with 12 year old boy



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jan 10 2022, 11:26 pm
I'm having an issue with giving my son privileges and him not listening to my rules.
I have tried telling him that in order to give privileges I need to trust him. And in order to trust him I need to see him following my rules within those privileges.
But it's not working.
I hate to take away every privilege because he's just not getting it. He's a bit bored even though I helped him fill most of his day. And I'm afraid he's going to feel stifled. On the flip side if I say 20 mnts you can play xyz, or read xyz or so on and he doesn't follow the time even with alarms set, I feel like he's not ready to have these privileges.
An example.
You can play Xbox for 1 hour but after 1 hour you must shut it off and get ready for bed (or go into bed because sometimes I tell him to be ready before he plays) ill come down 1.5 hours later and see him still playing.
Or I'll come down after an hour and hell say "can I just finish this game please??" And it's another 20 mnts.
He's not understanding that this is a special privilege and no, you don't beg for more time or pretend you don't know it's past the hour.
It's OK to ask. But he begs when I tell him to stop.
Tonight I let him watch something funny he's been begging me to watch. He needs to be near me and can't click on anything unless he asks me. I said great it's 15 mnts and than straight into bed. 20 mnts later I'm ready to head up to bed and he's still watching.
So I said did you click on something else? And nonchalant he's like ya. Just 5 mnts. I'm like where did I go wrong that you didn't understand me.
I explained I cant trust if this is how you show me your listening.
But it's not working. 😪
Oh one more thing! He called me from school and asked me to pick him up. I told him I can't because my baby was sick and was napping. So I said I'm sorry. Maybe after my girls come home I can come out after 4.
He called me an hour later and asked where I was, he's been waiting outside. I was livid. I told him I was so clear that I wasn't coming what are you doing waiting outside. He said I thought you would come anyway.
He decided to believe I would come even though I said I'm not. Arghh

Anyone with brilliant ideas?
Back to top

amother
Puce


 

Post Mon, Jan 10 2022, 11:28 pm
Your first examples are all digital related. It's hard to expect children to follow limits with screen time.
Its really easy to lose track of time.

The story about him waiting outside makes me think there is more going on though.
Back to top

causemommysaid




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 10 2022, 11:34 pm
Most of these examples are very typical with 12 year olds. I think you need to reframe here and realize that you just have to be on top of any technology since kids are not capable of doing it themselves.

Something about that last story seems very off though. I think you need to get to the root of that story. Was he being bullied and had to get out of school? Does he have a history of manipulating you to do things when you said no. Does he have a processing issue where he didn't understand you or he so badly didn't want to understand you that he heard it differently in his head.
Back to top

amother
Jade


 

Post Mon, Jan 10 2022, 11:36 pm
In both cases it seems like he knows you don't follow through with your word. Why does he get that impression? As far as the Xbox, have you tried taking it away for a while (let's say two weeks or so) and then tried it again?
Aside from that, he can build trust in other ways. Let him get a job or have him do jobs around the house for money or priviledges.
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jan 11 2022, 7:47 am
causemommysaid wrote:
Most of these examples are very typical with 12 year olds. I think you need to reframe here and realize that you just have to be on top of any technology since kids are not capable of doing it themselves.

Something about that last story seems very off though. I think you need to get to the root of that story. Was he being bullied and had to get out of school? Does he have a history of manipulating you to do things when you said no. Does he have a processing issue where he didn't understand you or he so badly didn't want to understand you that he heard it differently in his head.


First off glad to hear these are normal. My husband is an addict and I get very nervous that my son has the same personality. I've brought him to therapy but they don't see anything.
I gave electronics examples but the same thing happens with books before bed. He can stay up until I come into his room which can easily be 11pm some nights. (I fall asleep, or I had to run out and my husband is home)
I highlighted the manipulation part. The reason I did that is because recently I said to my husband I feel like he's trying to manipulate me into doing the things he wants even though I'm not going to do them. But sometimes I do give in because his requests aren't insane. And I do like to give him things he's my son. But most times I don't budge. The issue is more that my husband budges all the time and he tries me.
Is that manipulation? Is there something to work with here?
Can it be just a processing issue that he thinks whatever he wants to happen will happen?
I posted because I'm so confused if this is a normal behavior.
Also the school example - he doesn't have a normal English class. Like totally dysfunctional. So I do go out and pick him up some days. But I explained I can't every day because I cant have him sitting on top of my head all afternoon.
Overall he's otherwise responsible most of the time, but has an issue with limits and boundaries.
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jan 11 2022, 7:50 am
amother [ Jade ] wrote:
In both cases it seems like he knows you don't follow through with your word. Why does he get that impression? As far as the Xbox, have you tried taking it away for a while (let's say two weeks or so) and then tried it again?
Aside from that, he can build trust in other ways. Let him get a job or have him do jobs around the house for money or priviledges.

I follow through. My husband doesn't. So he tries with me also. Yes I've taken away privileges because he hasn't learnt limits but sometimes I'm punishing myself cus he sits on top of my head begging for anything under the sun.
How can he get a job? He's young. He's in school. What type of job can he get?
Also jobs around the house he's extremely capable of he knows he's going to electronic time. Hell do anything. But once he's on electronics he's gone.
Back to top

amother
Maroon


 

Post Tue, Jan 11 2022, 7:56 am
OP I have a 12-year-old son and I could’ve written your post word for word. I think that for kids that are a little more “challenging “what you’re describing is a very very normal. You definitely don’t wanna get into power struggle like other poster said you need to be close to him when he’s using electronics as farAs the third example maybe just have a conversation with him at a calm time but I want to emphasize that what you described is very normal for 12-year-old boys.
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jan 11 2022, 7:58 am
amother [ Maroon ] wrote:
OP I have a 12-year-old son and I could’ve written your post word for word. I think that for kids that are a little more “challenging “what you’re describing is a very very normal. You definitely don’t wanna get into power struggle like other poster said you need to be close to him when he’s using electronics as farAs the third example maybe just have a conversation with him at a calm time but I want to emphasize that what you described is very normal for 12-year-old boys.

OK. Glad I posted. He's a good kid. But this always makes me think there is something wrong.
I won't focus on it. Hopefully it won't turn into anything. Thank you.
Back to top

Rubies




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 11 2022, 9:04 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
OK. Glad I posted. He's a good kid. But this always makes me think there is something wrong.
I won't focus on it. Hopefully it won't turn into anything. Thank you.


It's normal in the sense of a child testing boundaries. It seems to border on the extreme though, and it seems you're a bit anxious with putting your foot down and the consequences of doing so.
To not focus in this will probably cause it to get worse and as he gets older that's not where you want to end up.
It's challenging for him as he has the insecurity of having one parent be a stable, somewhat boundaried presence, while the other parent isn't. This is the result.

I would suggest consciously analyzing each incident on how much you can control and follow through before going ahead with it.
Gave him 15 minutes to play? Be there in 15 minutes to take it away. No extra minutes for a few months. That's a privilege you can only give to a child that has security in boundaries.
Waited outside when you said you won't be there? (Barring anything terrible like bullying) he gets a consequence for doing something unsafe.
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jan 11 2022, 9:12 am
Rubies wrote:
It's normal in the sense of a child testing boundaries. It seems to border on the extreme though, and it seems you're a bit anxious with putting your foot down and the consequences of doing so.
To not focus in this will probably cause it to get worse and as he gets older that's not where you want to end up.
It's challenging for him as he has the insecurity of having one parent be a stable, somewhat boundaried presence, while the other parent isn't. This is the result.

I would suggest consciously analyzing each incident on how much you can control and follow through before going ahead with it.
Gave him 15 minutes to play? Be there in 15 minutes to take it away. No extra minutes for a few months. That's a privilege you can only give to a child that has security in boundaries.
Waited outside when you said you won't be there? (Barring anything terrible like bullying) he gets a consequence for doing something unsafe.

Thanks for your input. I have Def been there to make the boundaries many times but when I'm not he takes advantage.
The waiting outside was bizarre. I wasnt very pleased..
Back to top

BrisketBoss




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 11 2022, 9:28 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thanks for your input. I have Def been there to make the boundaries many times but when I'm not he takes advantage.
The waiting outside was bizarre. I wasnt very pleased..


I don't understand why you were so mad. Wasn't he only hurting himself? If similar things have happened, maybe he has a goal of getting you going.
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jan 11 2022, 9:30 am
BrisketBoss wrote:
I don't understand why you were so mad. Wasn't he only hurting himself? If similar things have happened, maybe he has a goal of getting you going.

Mad? Because there is no security outside his school and for a 12 year old to just wait outside in the freezing cold without adult supervision is just rediculous. Especially when I was clear that I wasn't coming.
This never happened before but he didn't seem bothered by his own actions.
Back to top

BrisketBoss




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 11 2022, 9:43 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Mad? Because there is no security outside his school and for a 12 year old to just wait outside in the freezing cold without adult supervision is just rediculous. Especially when I was clear that I wasn't coming.
This never happened before but he didn't seem bothered by his own actions.


I don't know. It doesn't sound that dangerous to me. It also doesn't sound very pleasant. Maybe he is putting on a front because of your reaction. (I'm not blaming you.)
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jan 11 2022, 9:46 am
BrisketBoss wrote:
I don't know. It doesn't sound that dangerous to me. It also doesn't sound very pleasant. Maybe he is putting on a front because of your reaction. (I'm not blaming you.)

I don't recall overreacting. I went to get him after my girls came home and I told him it's unsafe to just leave school without permission. He was like it's fine. I didn't care to wait outside.
I'm mad because I feel like his brain is dysfunctional sometimes and I'm talking to a wall
Back to top

amother
Teal


 

Post Tue, Jan 11 2022, 9:55 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I follow through. My husband doesn't. So he tries with me also. Yes I've taken away privileges because he hasn't learnt limits but sometimes I'm punishing myself cus he sits on top of my head begging for anything under the sun.
How can he get a job? He's young. He's in school. What type of job can he get?
Also jobs around the house he's extremely capable of he knows he's going to electronic time. Hell do anything. But once he's on electronics he's gone.


Sounds like my kids 9 and up. My 6 y.o. the same but he can't read yet.

My house is full of books, games and toys.
I suggest they make use of those whenever I take away technology. Because they are of course bored and they complain but I am not buying it.

They could entertain themselves since they were two so where did this skill go??
Back to top

FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 11 2022, 10:08 am
amother [ Teal ] wrote:

My house is full of books, games and toys.
I suggest they make use of those whenever I take away technology. Because they are of course bored and they complain but I am not buying it.

They could entertain themselves since they were two so where did this skill go??


Kids complain. Being bored is part of their job description. That's how they learn how to use their imagination, creativity, and invention. It is not your job to fix it! You can make suggestions, and I suggest you keep it two or three options. "You can do the dishes, you can go read a book, or you can take your little sister to the park." No more negotiation.

Kids go to the parent who gives in the easiest, then tries the harder one, and then goes back to complain about you to the easier parent. Yes, they are very manipulative at that age. It's fascinating to see what you can get people to do. All you have to do to "win" is to be unpleasant for so long that they cave in. Every time it works, you reinforce that behavior.

If you want him off of the screen in one hour, YOU set an alarm, and YOU march yourself over and tell him NOW. Not 5 minutes from now. If you want to be nice, you can give him a 5 minute warning in advance that his time is running out, but be advised that that just gives him 5 more minutes to whine about how he wants "one more game" and how mean you are. "Other kids moms let..." Banging head

Fasten your seatbelt, because this phase is not going away any time soon. Expect him to grow out of it by 18, if you're lucky. That's 6 more years of pushing your buttons and trying to take advantage, so you and DH really need to get on the same page NOW.
Back to top

ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 11 2022, 11:41 am
Sounds pretty typical for a 12 year old tbh. Testing boundaries is what preteens do. It's a healthy part of development at that age.

(and for another couple years at a minimum...)

There's a point at which it gets worrying or manipulative, but a kid staying on his xbox after his time ends or whining "please just five more minutes" isn't it.
Back to top

amother
Jetblack


 

Post Tue, Jan 11 2022, 3:29 pm
With technology, especially gaming, the games are created in way that makes it very difficult for children (and adults) to get off on their own or when told to. The games are addictive and literally almost force the kid to want to keep playing. We had this problem with my 9 year old where I was giving him a clear certain amount of time to play daily and everyday there was a war in my house to get him to leave the game when his time was up. I ended up changing the rules to allow him to play twice a week for a longer stretch of time and going screen free the rest of the week. This way, for those 2 days a week, he plays and I feel I don’t need to be as careful with monitoring the time.

For the second example, I would be concerned that the school is not providing ample supervision. Why would the school allow a 12 year old to arrange his own ride and to stand out for an hour. Didn’t anyone notice he was missing from class? Can the children just go and come and make phone calls as they please during school hours? Kids will do all sorts of bizarre things when allowed to. To me, that second example would be a major safety issue that needs to be discussed with the school.
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jan 11 2022, 3:50 pm
amother [ Jetblack ] wrote:
With technology, especially gaming, the games are created in way that makes it very difficult for children (and adults) to get off on their own or when told to. The games are addictive and literally almost force the kid to want to keep playing. We had this problem with my 9 year old where I was giving him a clear certain amount of time to play daily and everyday there was a war in my house to get him to leave the game when his time was up. I ended up changing the rules to allow him to play twice a week for a longer stretch of time and going screen free the rest of the week. This way, for those 2 days a week, he plays and I feel I don’t need to be as careful with monitoring the time.

For the second example, I would be concerned that the school is not providing ample supervision. Why would the school allow a 12 year old to arrange his own ride and to stand out for an hour. Didn’t anyone notice he was missing from class? Can the children just go and come and make phone calls as they please during school hours? Kids will do all sorts of bizarre things when allowed to. To me, that second example would be a major safety issue that needs to be discussed with the school.

I like your theory with longer gaming days than others. I actually did that. But because of his English class being less than par the boys brains are bored as heck and he's home many hours brain dead. I set him up with a chavrusa, piano lessons, and one or w chores each day. But he still has too many down hours. He reads through books like he breathes air. So I had to add an extra hour a day if gaming 🤷‍♀️
Most have a set amount I let and it turns off itself. It's the ones that don't (watching a funny clip) that I need to be able to trust he listens when I say click on nothing and turn off after it's done.
And the school situation was obsurd. I've brought up to the principal too many times about things that have happened and he looks at me deflated. So I didn't mention this. But I know the answer already.. The school doesn't have enough teachers this year. Not enough staff.. And they can't be everywhere at once.
But regardless my son should be listening to me 🤷‍♀️
Back to top
Page 1 of 1 Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Birthday gift one year old
by dbg
2 Today at 1:11 am View last post
Affordable 3 year old girls clothes
by amother
4 Today at 12:46 am View last post
[ Poll ] S/o of $40k is $150k a year enough to get by?
by amother
31 Yesterday at 6:40 pm View last post
Clothes Shopping List for Baby Boy
by Sushi22
3 Yesterday at 1:56 am View last post
Smelly feet - 10 year old girl
by amother
4 Wed, Mar 27 2024, 9:45 pm View last post