Ds friends told him about CW, and he’s traumatized

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

1 2 3 Next

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 12:25 am

Ds age 9 loves cw books. His school library still has them. When he wanted to bring one home, his friends told him that the books are assur since cw took a gun and shot himself in the head. He took it home anyways. Ds asked me about what his friends said. I honestly told him that the menahel decides which books are kosher and any books in his school library are good and allowed. I asked him what his rebbe said he said the rebbe wasn’t there then. He asked me if it’s true and I honestly told him I don’t know cw and never met him, but heard he was niftar and it’s very sad. Ds cried and had a hard time falling asleep tonight. He also had a nightmare when he finally fell asleep and came to sleep in my room. He’s having a really hard time with the concept, he keeps imagining this wonderful frum guy saying stories he loved and then shooting himself dead. How to I help ds process the trauma of what his friends told him? So far I’m trying to distract him by talking about happy things, but that not really dealing with the issue head on. And what if some kids educate him further about why he did it? Any advice?
Ds is very sheltered in general, dh and I didn’t discuss the cw issue with our kids since other than this kid, they don’t read it, and it didn’t seem necessary to open the discussion.

amother

Firethorn

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 12:37 am

I dont know what they are saying but there are a few clips from frum psychologists explaining how to tell your children. Maybe you can find something on a frum news site.

Definitely talk to him if he is having trouble sleeping. Do not leave it.

In my opinion, idk right or wrong, I would tell him that cw had severe mental illness and it was said he harmed others and himself. I would tell him it is very rare and unusual.

dena613

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 12:37 am

Discuss it openly.

Explain that most ppl in this world are NOT LIKE CW.

Does your son know what CW did to other ppl? Maybe that's why he's traumatized.

Re. The suicide, tell your son that unfortunately CW seemed normal but really wasn't.

Suicide is completely assur. Make sure that's clear. It's retzicha.

amother

Floralwhite

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 12:41 am

My son is 10 and he heard at school even before his suicide. I told him that he hurt people who came to him for help and we aren't going to read his books.
It's sad that his school kept the books. Kids get very mixed messages

paperflowers

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 12:55 am

How much does he know? Find out what he is actually scared of.
He needs to know that suicide is not a random thing that can happen to anyone at any time. Talk about how people can get help when they feel sad or scared. And make sure he knows that you aren’t going anywhere.

amother

Sage

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 1:40 am

I am probably not going to give a good answer, but

I would say to him I dont think its true.

why should a kid deal with images of guns and bullets?

I would just protect young kids from the crazy world out there as much as I can. Even if its not the honest truth. (dont talk to Yossi, I dont like his stories)

I would also call Yossis mom to ask her to ask her son to stop

amother

Slateblue

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 1:50 am

amother [ Sage ] wrote:

And tomorrow don’t talk to shimmy and call shimmy’s mom. And same with mendy the following day.
Your suggestion would work if your kid would be isolated and homeschooled, otherwise you need to learn how to be honest with your kids and figure out the best way to share uncomfortable news with them. Denying it after they hear it from a few different sources will just lead to them losing their trust in you.

salt

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 1:56 am

amother [ Sage ] wrote:

Saying that you think it's not true that he committed suicide is not sensible, because he is going to tell that to his friends what you told him, and they will just laugh at him.
I have told my kids though, what the allegations were against him, and that I cannot judge if they are true or not, but that is what led him to kill himself.

(I haven't got rid of his books, for the record)

amother

Chambray

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 2:11 am

Now that he knows something you need to have an honest conversation with him.

You can keep it simple and don’t need too many details, but you cant leave it.

These are books that lots of people liked reading, there are people who have come out and said that the author of these books did some not nice things to them.
A lot of people don’t want to read these books anymore.
This man isn’t alive anymore, we don’t know how he passed away (suicide doesn’t necessarily mean a gun)

There are lots experts who have given advice if you want discuss it more.

amother

Sage

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 2:13 am

maybe school should talk to class, "we dont allow discussing such scary stories, and we dont know if true"?

(rebbi/ morah)

I would distant such stories from young kids, it can be damaging short and long term.

amother

Ultramarine

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 2:16 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You need to ask a child therapist how to deal with it. No one here can tell you,

amother

Ultramarine

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 2:16 am

amother [ Sage ] wrote:

Lying is never the solution.

LovesHashem

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 2:21 am

amother [ Sage ] wrote:

When your child realizes that you've lied to them they will stop trusting you completely, and likely be more traumatized that the person in their life that's supposed to protect and be honest with them is not someone they can trust anymore.

It's a great way to traumatized your kid and forever ruin your relationship with them.

amother

Cornsilk

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 2:26 am

amother [ Sage ] wrote:

Worst answer ever.
You will make your kid a laughingstock. You can’t raise them in fantasy land. Plus at some point they will stop trusting you completely, realising you are feeding them fantasy.

chanchy123

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 2:32 am

amother [ Sage ] wrote:

Why would you lie to a child, especially since at a certain point this child will discover the truth and that his parents lied to him? That's giving a very poor message to your son, they will learn not to trust you or others. You don't always have to tell your children the entire truth about everything, but never outright lie to your kids, especially once the truth is out there and well-known.
You say, yes it is very sad, CW did a terrible thing, and part of what is so terrible about his action, is how he hurt you, who loved his stories and destroyed your image of him, but most people in the world are good. You say yes, I don't understand how such things can happen and it's hard to process even for adults, but we (parents/teachers) are here for you.

Bnei Berak 10

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 3:35 am

amother [ Firethorn ] wrote:

I second this

Bnei Berak 10

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 3:39 am

LovesHashem wrote:

OP, do you want your child to trust you?
If yes, please listen to LovesHashem.

Bnei Berak 10

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 3:47 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Sheltered or not, you simply cannot afford NOT to have the discussion.
As you have seen, they will find out sooner or later. Do you prefer them to hear it from you or from their peers?
This is not the time to chicken out.

amother

Butterscotch

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 5:18 am

I also wasn’t sure what to do with my 9 year old son who loved his books.
I think first I told him that he was niftar.
Then a few days later he asked me what his sisters were talking about when they were pulling the books off our shelves. He wanted to know why we have to throw out all the books.
At that point I told him that cw was a therapist and he did very inappropriate things to the children who came to him. Then he felt so ashamed that people found out. He was going to have to spend most of his life in jail and he didn’t want to. He did a terrible thing and decided to kill himself instead of doing teshuva and going to jail.
My son couldn’t believe it. He spoke about how terrible it is for a person to kill himself and I explained that the Torah doesn’t allow it and there’s no place in gan eden for a person who does this aveira. He kept asking me if it’s true that cw did these things to kids. I told him we’ll never really know the truth anymore but the rabbanim are saying it seems true and we shouldn’t read stories written by a person who did bad things. He kept insisting that the stories were good! He said no one else writes such good stories. I told him I’ll help him find some good books. I also told him that he’s not allowed to tell anyone about cw because some parents don’t want their kids to know and they would be very angry at us if their kids find out.
The next day I found him sitting by the computer typing. He said he’s writing his own book. He started off with “my name is Chaim and I live in yerushalayim. One day my friends and I were playing in the playground….”
I decided I’ll let him write like that but I’m going to encourage that he includes Hashem and yiras shamayim in his stories.
He was acting silly the other day and was fighting with his sister. He potched her and she screamed out- “you’re not allowed to touch my private part!” He yelled back- “so put me in jail for the rest of my life!” I was so sad when I heard that. Kids are so disturbed by this incident as we adults are as well. I still think it’s better that he knows from me rather than to eventually hear things from someone else. My son told me that his teacher took out a cw book to read a chapter of “that’s me, Tviki green”. A bunch of boys started yelling that we’re not allowed to read that book anymore! This is probably one of the heaviest things my son has had to deal with but bottom line- we’re dealing. It’s not easy but I think it’s much better to be the one to explain instead of hearing from others.

twizzlers1

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 5:37 am

Please please be honest with your child! A 9-year-old child is not so little and he will find out the truth from someone and will wonder why you lied to him. And if you haven't brought up the subject of what happened I certainly think that you should. Along with many other very chashuv people. Because I certainly have not very holy. Unfortunately even the little kids can be abused and yes s-xually. So please do not keep you in your child in the dark so your child will trust you and come to you if there's ever a problem or that he'll even know that it's a problem if he's tested inappropriately. This is one thing I can't Grant my head around. When I threw away the books and told my kids young and old what happened they told me Mom we totally trust you that would ever happen to us in our life we know that we can come to you and you will believe us. That was worth everything to me.

Page 1 of 3

1 2 3 Next