Empathizing with our children when we’re the ones causing…

amother

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 1:49 pm

I’m a huge fan of “how to to to kids…” and Janet landsbury and “explosive child”. I’ve been working really hard to empathize with my children when they’re upset. I was recently discussing this with my husband and it got me thinking….

I see how empathizing with our child when something happened to them not in OUR control can help them feel heard and understood. What about when we’re the ones causing them to be upset?
Example: Today my six year old had a meltdown on the floor after I said he had to wait before having a snack. I empathized and said something like “you’re so upset. You wish you could have the snack now. You don’t want to wait for later. It’s so hard.”
He continued kicking and screaming on the floor for another 10 minutes or so.

Isn’t it like rubbing salt in his wound to say “I’m so sorry” when I’m the one causing him to be upset? Instead of showing him that I’m there for him doesn’t it show him that his mom is cruel? Wouldn’t he be thinking “if she understands how I feel why doesn’t she just give me the snack!!??” He knows I love him and he knows that I don’t want to give it to him right then for a specific reason, but he doesn’t think that reason is a good one.
Wouldn’t it teach him to treat others in a way where he can do what he wants to hurt them and then just empathize and say “you must feel so hurt”?

I’m curious to hear from other empathizing mothers out there 😊.

amother

Offwhite

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 1:54 pm

Not at all. If someone has to do something unpleasant, they can still empathize. It doesn't take away from what needs to be done.
I like to show examples of things I don't want to have to do to empathize with my kids. I don't always want to go to work or do laundry, just like they don't want to go to school or do their homework. But we all have to things we don't want sometimes and that is ok.
You can give examples of how you eat healthy in this specific situation even if you don't want to

amother

Antiquewhite

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 2:20 pm

You can still empathize because you are not giving in for the child's benefit. It's not like you did something bad to the child on purpose and now taunting him about it. In the long term, your actions will benefit the child, but they are upset now, so you are empathizing with that. For example, nurses are taught to emphasize with NPO (no food, no drink) patient who is awaiting a surgical procedure and complaining how thirsty they are. Technically the nurse is the one in control and can give the patient a drink or food, but to do so would be an actual disservice for the patient - it will delay their surgery. In the same way, a parent or teacher can empathize with an upset child but still continue with not giving in for the benefit of the child.

heidi

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 3:14 pm

I tried this method on my first kid but found it inauthentic for exactly the reasons you mentioned. When I tried to empathize with my son's disappointment about me not giving him another treat, he just looked at me and said, then give it to me. I laughed and the book went into the garbage. He turned out great BH