Older woman picking on me for showing up at kiddush

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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amother

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 3:35 pm

we're relatively new to a small OOT community with some strange people. there's this older woman who basically every week picks on me for showing up at shul on saturday morning at around kiddush time.

I have a 14 month old, and we usually walk over after his morning nap and get there around kiddush time. if we happen to get there early, I still have to sit outside with our kid and watch him there's no child care at our shul, so it's not like I can be in shul for mussaf anyway. it'd be rude to the people davening to bring him in for mussaf.

at our old shul where we used to live, which was a normal place, the women with young kids often came just in time for kiddush.

this woman always makes comments to me like in a sarcastic tone, "just in time for kiddush" or "oh you're here early this time" (if I'm here 10 minutes before kiddush) or "perfect timing, shul just ended." it's just really weird she's even watching me let alone making these comments out loud. she's known to the community to be weird in other ways, so I know it isn't me the odd thing is this woman has 5 (adult) kids. what is she thinking??

amother

Cantaloupe

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 3:36 pm

That sounds so annoying and uncomfortable but I would just respond nicely but maybe sarcastically and remember it’s her, not you!

Notsobusy

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 3:41 pm

She may just be socially awkward and this is her way of trying to start a conversation. It sounds pretty harmless and I would try not to take it personally.

amother

Nemesia

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 3:42 pm

Don’t overthink it. She lacks social skills is all.

amother

Lavender

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 4:01 pm

Sounds like social awkwardness. I'd feel bad for her but do my best to ignore.

amother

DarkPurple

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 4:04 pm

So awkward ! Which is what she is - so awkward! Socially off is a nice way to put it , old fashioned weird in my day. Ignore her with glassy look on your face and move past her like you didn’t hear her.

ra_mom

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 4:06 pm

Not fun to have to go through that each week!

amother

Royalblue

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 4:06 pm

Maybe she thinks the kiddush is for those who come to shul to daven like food after a fast in shul is for those who fasted. Find something elsr to say to her to change the conversation.

amother

NeonPurple

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 4:09 pm

Don't pay attention to her. Just enjoy away ! You don't want her to be a spoiler of the kiddush you are enjoying. (I am saying this even if the truth was that you were going specifically for the kiddush (which you are not)). When I am confronted in situations like this I usually make some sort of comment as if I didn't understand what the other person said and they have nothing to respond. In your situation if it was me I would say something like "Oh thank you so much !" "I appreciate you were waiting for me ". She may think you missed the boat and didn't get her sarcism but what can she do now ? Say I meant to get on your nerves ? Hopefully she will be smart not to say that !

I've tried a method like this in other areas having the person think I understood them that way. It worked most of the time and the person learned to keep their mouths shut. You have to do this with confidence though (as if you feel a real gratitude and not just playing a show) otherwise they will chap.

amother

NeonPurple

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 4:11 pm

Most important thing, don't try to defend yourself. To the contarary like I said YOU be the active one and flip the defense on her. (Using my example above).

I would suggest someone here do a roleplay with you preparing you what to say in case you are scared she might jolt out with something against you, so you be prepared and confident. Maybe someone here would be willing to try.

DVOM

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 4:11 pm

"You've pouted out several times that I usually get to shul in time for the kiddush. I work around my baby's nap, but even if I could get here earlier, it wouldn't be practical for me to being him into prayers; I would hate to disturb anyone, and he's way too young to know proper shul behavior.

Are you offering to babysit so that I could daven? That would be wonderful!"

amother

Dustypink

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 4:12 pm

Notsobusy wrote:

She may just be socially awkward and this is her way of trying to start a conversation. It sounds pretty harmless and I would try not to take it personally.

I think this too. It is soo accepted for women with young children to arrive just for the socializing at the kiddish. And the food. I like the idea of saying.. "oh, so nice that you've been waiting for me, how are you today?" or whatever.

amother

Seablue

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 4:16 pm

Smile and say Good Shabbos, how are you? Or so nice to see you.. Do this a few times and guaranteed she'll stop with her snide comments

FranticFrummie

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 4:17 pm

DVOM wrote:

"Are you offering to babysit so that I could daven? That would be wonderful!"

I would just leave it at that! Wink

Or say something like "That's a lovely dress you're wearing. Where did you get it?" Random non sequiturs always throw people off.

rachelli66

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 4:18 pm

Smile, wish her a Good Shabbos, and enjoy the Kiddush. You can break the ice and have your little one say good Shabbos to the lady. Maybe the Rabbi's wife can speak with her if she continues to insult you. There is no reason not to come and be part of the Shul/Kiddush.

amother

DarkPurple

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 4:35 pm

DVOM wrote:

I’d go with the Queen Elizabeth method of Never complain, never explain !

DrMom

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 4:41 pm

So... she is always hanging around outside too? She doesn't go in to daven either?

amother

Magenta

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 4:42 pm

I'm not that lady, but I'll be the voice of dissent. Not that I think this woman is doing the right thing; she's not. But I'll admit to resenting people who show up JFK (just for kiddush.) If your shul doesn't accommodate babies, don't go. Unless there's a simcha and the baalei hasimcha have invited people, and the purpose is for people to wish them mazal tov, why are you coming to shul JFK? What are you accomplishing? I could understand if you came in at the tail end of mussaf because your young child can't sit quietly for much longer than Aleinu and Adon Olam, then you were in shul to daven briefly and stayed for kiddush. Fine. But shuls need worshippers to fill the seats, not people coming for kiddush. It really makes a poor impression if you never daven there and always show up for kiddush.

amother

Hunter

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 4:42 pm

amother [ DarkPurple ] wrote:

I’d go with the Queen Elizabeth method of Never complain, never explain !

I love this

amother

Lightgray

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 4:46 pm

amother [ Magenta ] wrote:

But shuls need worshippers to fill the seats, not people coming for kiddush. It really makes a poor impression if you never daven there and always show up for kiddush.

Since when do shuls 'need' female worshipers? Is that a real concept? I would actually be interested to learn about that.

What about if my husband davens there? Then he has filled the obligation for our family, no? I am sure you do not think my children must daven with the kehilla in order to come to kiddush.

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