Splitting myself in half-toddler and baby

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Infants

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amother

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 8:33 pm

I have an almost three year old and a new baby...well I guess she's almost 5 months already!

With my older daughter I literally didn't let her cry at all. I read books and articles about why crying it out is wrong and I very strongly believed it. If she cried I would pick her up immediately. Or even if she made a little peep. I used to rock her to sleep for HOURS. I rocked her to sleep for her nap while I was nine months pregnant. I nursed her for a long time, and eventually weaned her when I got pregnant.

When I was pregnant, I was like, how on earth am I going to have another child?? I'm idealistic in certain ways like no cry, and nurse as long as you want, but also I don't have the emotional stamina to do this again. I really don't know how I did it the first time but I felt that it was the right thing to do.

Well, here I am bH, home with two wonderful children. Not letting my baby cry is out the window because how on earth can I manage both of them without cutting myself in half? I need my baby to sleep in her bassinet so me and my toddler can have some uninterrupted time. Right now I'm doing some inconsistent situation where I leave my baby to cry while watching the monitor and going crazy while my toddler absorbs my waves of anxiety. Then I pick her up when I feel like it's been too long.

P.S. I'm not here to debate cry it out. I'm just a mama who needs help Sad

amother

NeonOrange

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 9:40 pm

Involve the older one in caring for the baby. Do activities while holding baby. Read books,etc. Tell her she's the big sister. Get each of them something that will hold their interest for some time. Like a toy with songs and lights. Only give it to one while you need time for the other one.

amother

NeonOrange

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 9:46 pm

Regarding "non interrupted time with toddler" .there will not be uninterrupted time ,and that's ok. She will learn to understand that the baby also has needs. As long as you help her sympathize with baby.for example " the baby's crying,she's probably very tired. Mommy will hold her so she can calm down. You can help me sing to her." Or something like that.

amother

Topaz

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 9:50 pm

I’m in a similar situation

One thing that helps tremendously: the Fischer price swing. My baby will sit in it happily and it will rock him to sleep or even when he’s up he just relaxes. It gives me a lot more free time to play with my toddler

Otherwise I don’t always try to give my toddler undivided attention. A lot of time is shared, I’ll read to him and play with him while holding my baby too, and make it a family bonding experience. I set aside times during the day to be with my toddler just us, like bath time for example, and wait till my baby falls asleep or is preoccupied to start

amother

Rainbow

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 9:54 pm

Baby carrier

amother

Aquamarine

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 10:00 pm

This whole OP is the reason experienced moms laugh and roll their eyes at FTMs. Welcome to the club, OP.

BrisketBoss

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 10:04 pm

amother [ Aquamarine ] wrote:

This whole OP is the reason experienced moms laugh and roll their eyes at FTMs. Welcome to the club, OP.

Ah, the 'club', may I never join it. I'm not an FTM anymore and I still hate this attitude.

amother

Topaz

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 10:06 pm

amother [ Aquamarine ] wrote:

This whole OP is the reason experienced moms laugh and roll their eyes at FTMs. Welcome to the club, OP.

This is a really rude comment. If you have nothing to supportive to contribute to this thread maybe you shouldn’t be commenting at all.

amother

NeonOrange

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 10:07 pm

Some experienced moms have lost the sensitivity that FTMoms still possess.

BrisketBoss

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 10:10 pm

I wasn't the classic FTM, to be sure. I did a lot of 'second time mom' style things because that's the way I am. But I still had certain ideals and I think it is very valid to have ideals, and in fact we should encourage it! It's not a guarantee that you'll drop them. And if you do become a bit more flexible than planned, don't stew in disappointment at yourself, that's all! I suspect the people who stewed are bitter.

amother

Aquamarine

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 10:13 pm

It is impossible to uphold the standards set forth in the OP with more than one child. Logistically, staying within the physical laws of nature and the time continuum, impossible.

amother

Nasturtium

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 10:13 pm

I am you, but with 18 years experience.
I have the same philosophy (and my kids are B”H amazing-don’t regret it for a minute)
Your older DD knows how important she is to you and how you do everything for her. Involve her in caring for her baby, as stated before.
You have no idea how many times I nursed while my older DD sat on my lap/snuggled on my side and held the baby’s feet while the baby nursed while we read books. Get a baby carrier. Let her read the books she know by heart to the baby while you make dinner. When you go to the supermarket, have her show the colors to the baby (I know the baby is too young to absorb) she can also shake the pasta to make noise for the baby or if the baby is sleeping teach her as you did before. Involve her in diapers changing as it is a huge mitzva to get the diaper for you or distact the baby from wiggling. You can still make it about her as you care for the baby. You can have her blow bubbles for the baby’s delight, teaching them both different skills.
You sound like a great mom!

ETA, my kids B”H have the most wonderful relationship and I am close with both of them. Due to SIF, I “only” have the 2, but I could not be prouder of them or more fulfilled.

BrisketBoss

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 10:27 pm

OP, your baby is safe and healthy and loved. That's what really matters. Children and adults all have to deal with the reality of their personal situation, in this case a sibling. The stimulus itself does not matter as much as our response to it. You have not doomed either of your children, not at all.

Here's somewhere to start. No-cry used to work for you. Now take a look at our friend Janet Lansbury and see if she makes sense to you. https://www.janetlansbury.com/.....ying/

You're a good mommy, enjoy those babies!

amother

Lightgreen

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 10:45 pm

I’m home with my 2.5 year old and 5 month old.
Swing is def helpful for the baby and baby carrier as others said.
We also do a lot of things together. If I’m nursing baby toddler snuggles with us and we read books.

amother

Brown

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 10:51 pm

I’m in the same position right now! Except I’m on #3. My oldest was almost 4 when my now toddler was born and in school already so it was so different and much easier.
It’s so hard. I feel bad for my toddler. My baby naps in my arms or in the baby carrier. I don’t do naps in the crib because I just don’t have the time it would take to settle him and make sure he stays asleep and to run in there when he starts to wake up and try to get him to go back to sleep…

My toddler is definitely being deprived of attention right now. Especially play time. Even while wearing the baby I still am limited with what I can do with her.

I think she is doing ok though. I am available to read books whenever I nurse. I sing songs with her and we sing together to the baby. I talk to her constantly throughout the day and tell her so often how much I love her. I try to include her in activities with the baby.
I also feel like I’m so busy making sure to include the 2 year old that I am not giving the baby enough attention!3

I know once the baby is sitting up on his own it will get a lot easier. It’s just super difficult at the beginning. I feel a lot worse about it than it’s really affecting (effecting?) any of them.

the world's best mom

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 11:38 pm

I have 6 kids KA"H and I never let them cry themselves to sleep. I nurse my toddler to sleep while reading my older child his bedtime story. It requires juggling. The goal is not to ignore the baby and only give attention to the toddler. You have to deal with both at the same time. It's not easy, but it gets easier with practice.

amother

Emerald

Tue, Jan 11 2022, 11:44 pm

I'm baby number five of many and I know my mother had your ideals and stuck to them for all her babies while being a working mom. Please don't let anyone put you down for being idealistic.

I'm a mother of one now and I'll probably be in your boat soon. So following for advice.

tichellady

Wed, Jan 12 2022, 12:33 am

I can relate. My baby doesn’t like movement so the swing or car seat are not an option. I don’t really have advice just want to share that it’s hard and I get it! Also I don’t think there’s anything wrong with sleep training, although I do hate hearing my baby cry, sometimes it’s a necessity. The carrier is helpful but there is only so much you can do while wearing a baby. It’s just hard to take care of two such needy beings

amother

Cornsilk

Wed, Jan 12 2022, 12:45 am

Op it’s so hard! Be kind to yourself. I have the same ideals and have a bunch of kids kah. The trick is to include the toddler with everything you do for the baby. I “talk” for the baby all day to the toddler. “ Baby says she loves you so much!” “ Baby says I am tired” etc; The toddler doesn’t feel resentment as it’s her baby too. Like you include her so she feels so good and excited about the baby.
The one thing I would say is don’t let the baby cry. It’s really not good for the baby and it’s not worth giving your toddler uninterrupted time. Hold the baby as you read to the toddler. Snuggle and nurse at the same time. It’s not easy but you should enjoy them and have lots of nachas!

amother

Brown

Wed, Jan 12 2022, 5:01 am

amother [ Cornsilk ] wrote:

This reminded me that my toddler calls the baby “our baby”. It’s adorable. Her older brother did the same thing with her. I love how they feel that way.

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