Violent temper tantrums

abc 123

Wed, Jan 12 2022, 6:58 am

My 13 year old DD has a temper . When she gets angry she throws things and hurts her younger siblings and breaks things and makes messes. I'm even scared to drive when she has a tantrum in the car. What can I do about her tantrums? I already tried 2 psychologists. Usually when she has a tantrum I lock myself in my bedroom with the other children till she calms down.

amother

Mulberry

Wed, Jan 12 2022, 7:04 am

oh Op I am so sorry for you!
I would start with a neuropsychologist evaluation. I would consider medication at least in the interim measure. I would forget about psychologists for the moment until things are more under control.
I would try to think out of the box so as to not let her rage out of control like that it must be terrifying for you, the other kids, and her as well. this is more and different than someone having a "temper".
Not good for her or you for her to have that level of power in the family.
And you do need to protect your other smaller kids as well.
Like seriously I would keep trying to get her help in different modalities while working on hard logistics to change the dynamics: some ideas which may sound crazy involve locking 13 year old in a room, like installing locks and you have the key (yes I understand then she may trash the room thats another story to be addressed)
I would look to Ross' Greene's approach and contact him/his organization.
Does she do this anywhere else?
Where is her father/your husband in all of this?
Any other family members you can pull in for support?
I would tell her I love her and want to help her and it is horrible to see her suffering like this and that I understand she is doing the best she can; however, you cannot sacrifice the other kids and will have to look at extreme measures (like a therapeutic boarding school) not a threat just a calm sad reality perhaps.
Before that I would try all else including scraping the money together to get her someone at home or for you like a housekeeper but someone who can be left with her or take her physically to her room or something -- not punitive lovingly firmly calmly.
I would look at all family systems perspectives as well and alternative therapies too.
So challenging.
Hope you find the right shluchim for healing you need.
Wishing you and your family menuchas nefesh.
hugs and hatzlocha

endlesslybaking

Wed, Jan 12 2022, 7:13 am

abc 123 wrote:

This sound very scary and like it could be the beginning of something. I would mention her exact symptoms to a medical doctor and take her to a psychiatrist.
The tantrums are a symptom of something and you can't treat them on your own.

Lots of luck

amother

Mulberry

Wed, Jan 12 2022, 7:23 am

Op just want to say that because she is like this at 13 does not have to portend for the future. Some kids who are "H@@@ on wheels" at this age" can truly turn out to be wonderful amazing young adults. I have seen this so so so many times.

Visualize her as a happy functioning healthy adult and work from that place to address where she is now.
Try as best as possible to get her the right help she needs now to traverse this successfully.

For her sake as well as your own and your other kids as well.

hugs and hatzlocha

abc 123

Wed, Jan 12 2022, 7:59 am

Thank you for your support and advice. BH she behaves well in school and at friends houses. She even babysits for other families. She only has a temper tantrums at home. As she doesn't get along with me and my husband.
Iyh I hope it's only temporary teenage thing .and I hope she'll outgrow it
Some others I know were like this as children/teens and BH are now well functioning adults married with children and a successful career.
She refuses to go psychologist . I went to one without her for advice and one I was able to convince her to go.

imasinger

Wed, Jan 12 2022, 8:19 am

Although medication may be necessary, you might want to try this first.

If you're not familiar with the Nurtured Heart Approach, it's a game changer.

https://smile.amazon.com/dp/09.....TJYW6

It starts by spending quality time with the kid. There are important guidelines about how to do that. Step 2 is praising any and all compliance to your directives. "Please close the car door", which the kid would do anyway, qualifies -- you immediately thank them.

Then, the rest:

I safely raised my ASD, volatile kids with 2 iron rules:

No hurting people. (Physically -- emotional issues were worked through differently)

No hurting things.

If anyone broke those rules, the consequence was a time out on the stairs. Even for teens. Failure to comply was met with very serious consequences, compliance was met with praise and moving on.

It really works.

amother

Firebrick

Wed, Jan 12 2022, 8:20 am

abc 123 wrote:

I was going to say it might be about your dynamic and I see you said that she doesn’t get along with you. Take her out to eat and ask her what she’s unhappy about. To me it sounds like she has a lot of pent up feelings. And it’s possible you can listen and make changes at home so that she doesn’t have to feel so frustrated. Be willing to hear her out and make the changes.

amother

Marigold

Wed, Jan 12 2022, 6:33 pm

amother [ NeonBlue ] wrote:

check her for pandas!! might very likely be the cause.

This, or any number of other biomedical causes for this level of rage. It isn’t behavioral. It’s neurological. I would read this book and then not rest until I got them a very full medical workup and had some answers https://www.amazon.com/Brain-I.....r=8-1