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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Parenting "derech challenged" unhappy teen
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English3




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 13 2022, 7:45 am
It sounds very much like a depression or anxiety that can be the issue. What's the reason that you have not contacted the school? It might clarify what is happening there.
Some people use yiddishkeit to hide their inner struggles and think this will help them, kind of like an addict that thinks if he drinks his issue will disappear.
Hatzlacha.
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amother
Cerulean


 

Post Thu, Jan 13 2022, 7:48 am
I am so sorry Op!
We were told in a somewhat similar situation to let go of the yiddishkeit for the moment so to speak and to focus on addressing the "unhappiness" to strengthen our connection with the teen 0ut of love. And in fact that did work B"H. The yiddishkeit came later on their own of their own initiative B"H.
hugs and hatzlocha to you and your dd
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amother
Cognac


 

Post Thu, Jan 13 2022, 7:53 am
As a teen I was in a somewhat similar situation. I too was counting the seconds till I could move out. My parents sent me to a small, warm out of town school, where I boarded at a family. It was the best thing for me, and it completely solved all the yiddishkeit issues as well. Like your daughter I wasn't rebellious, just quietly doing my own thing (books, internet, etc) but deeply unhappy (I wasn't depressed, which it seems she might be, so the situation is not exactly the same)
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Rubies




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 13 2022, 8:30 am
Op your post regarding abuse made me realize a certain style of parenting and I wonder if that's a factor here.
You obviously care and love your kid but it seems you don't quite view her and your relationship with her properly.

Let's assume abuse couldn't have happened for theoretical's sake. Why wouldn't you bring it up in a gentle way? Discuss the concept? All if someone is making her miserable in a different way?
The assumption that it's unnecessary to talk because it isn't an option is really an expression of your relationship.
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amother
Carnation


 

Post Thu, Jan 13 2022, 8:38 am
amother [ PlumPink ] wrote:
It is crucial that your daughter finds a therapist whose a good fit and start again.
This isn’t a frumkeit thing, this is a mental health issue.
Your daughter is sad and needs help. Please call relief right away for a new referral

Agree 1000%
Please find these kids good therapists or maybe even a good psychiatrist who might prescribe something to help them sleep and stabilize their moods.
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amother
Jean


 

Post Thu, Jan 13 2022, 8:41 am
Actually the more I think about this the more I think abuse is a strong possibility. Sounds like she spends a lot of time counting the seconds to escape it.
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mom!




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 13 2022, 8:47 am
I have nothing smart to add except I think you are a wonderful mother, solely focused on your daughter and her needs.
May Hashem give you the strength to help your daughter!
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amother
Dustypink


 

Post Thu, Jan 13 2022, 9:00 am
It could be she was abused when she was younger and not necessarily right now. And it’s hanging over her head. Maybe she’s counting down the days till she can escape from having to see her abuser again in daily life.

You need to talk to her.
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amother
Amber


 

Post Thu, Jan 13 2022, 9:34 am
She is glorifying public school in her mind. I think this is one of those situations where you need to let her learn from her mistakes and let her go. If you wait until she is 18, she will do much worse things to learn that lesson.
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amother
Rose


 

Post Thu, Jan 13 2022, 9:39 am
Could she have discovered that she’s g-ay? That would explain a lot.
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 13 2022, 9:43 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
We thought about this but it seems impossible. She's at school all day, and we know the families of the girls in her classes well. If there was anything going on at school, someone would tell us.
Then at home absolutely no chance and she has her own room.
No chance at work as far as I know- she babysits for nice frum families, and works at a grocery store owned by family friends, and is never alone there.

Am I missing something? Are kids abused in environments where there's absolutely no chance of anything like that? Are there other signs than a constant morose state?
OP, have you not read any of the numerous threads about abuse lately? Nobody would know. Not her friends or anyone in the school. Its not that this is for sure what is going on, but please, you are being very naive about if or where abuse can and does take place.
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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Thu, Jan 13 2022, 9:52 am
Let me just chime in since a lot of posters mentioned something bigger going on

I had this same experience, starting from an even younger age

I was being abused and that is definitely what caused my feelings towards yiddishkeit at the time

Regardless though of what caused it, my feelings towards it became my feelings. Please try to figure out if there’s an underlying root issue but also please don’t ignore this issue. It may not be the root but it still exists and should be dealt with

My mother saw how unhappy I was and how I was struggling, and how I wanted to be “off”. She took me out of my BY type school and sent me to a more in-between type of school with a good mix of girls, including more modern ones, and that was a lot more lenient. She allowed me to be more relaxed with tznius, but I still wore skirts and sleeves. She allowed me to talk to boys but In controlled settings. She gave me space to explore what I wanted and what I was comfortable with and I was so much happier all the way to the end of high school.
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amother
Charcoal


 

Post Thu, Jan 13 2022, 10:21 am
This topic triggers me in a real way.

I was very much this way as a teen. And no I wasn’t abused so I don’t think that has to be a factor,

I simply felt out of place in my very sheltered environment and school.
I didn’t relate to any of the girls I felt they were sheltered clueless idiots. Found no one like me. I was too worldly for my surroundings and was lonely and sad.
I also loved to read and learn and fantasized about leaving and exploring the world.

I wish my parents had acknowledged my misery and done some actions to address them.

I probably would have benefited from changing to a less sheltered school, being around more open minded people and would’ve realized that you don’t need to drop everything to enjoy life.

However I was avoided and my issues were never discussed, I had a bitter lonely teen years.

Luckily I have since come a long way and have amazing therapists and a husband who helped me create a joyful life from myself.

But I still can’t help and feel like I missed out on my teen years unnecessarily.
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amother
Turquoise


 

Post Thu, Jan 13 2022, 10:34 am
There's a lot of good advice here.

Additionally, share time with her, even in routine things, and find something she's really interested in and gets energized about to a)talk about with her and b) encourage her to engage in.

ie. if she is really interested in playing guitar, get her a guitar and some lessons. listen to her talk abotu it and play music. I had a friend whose son was very apathetic to yiddishkeit, and not exactly rebbelling, but really low energy and not engaged. Feeling engaged in something parve was so important, and then other things happened, that in his case, resulted in him being both generally happier and getting more engaged and energetic about frumkeit--but I think it really hinged on him finding something he was excited about and pursuing that.
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amother
Daisy


 

Post Thu, Jan 13 2022, 10:44 am
When I read the original post, I honed in on the fact that she really doesn't want to disappoint you guys. It might be that she thinks her self worth in your eyes are only based on her meeting all of your hashkafic criteria (being a good girl). She also probably feels that you wouldn't understand and you would be very disappointed in her if she tells you her real feelings. She might have done something/had something done to her or thinks a lot about doing things that she is too embarrassed to talk to you about. It is very hard for a kid who feels they don't fit in with the family hashkafa.

I would continue to work on your loving open relationship and her to know that you love her no matter what is going on with her. Since therapy is off the table, try to be there for her to talk to you, but don't be pushy with trying to get information.
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amother
Lightyellow


 

Post Thu, Jan 13 2022, 11:53 am
Maybe it might be worthwhile to allow her to go to public school.

Is she very intelligent or curious?

Maybe she finds her learning environment stifling, and would do better in an other kind of school. Sometimes depression can be caused only by this kind of personal incompatibility with environment expectations... and the child will thrive in a different school...
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amother
Begonia


 

Post Thu, Jan 13 2022, 12:00 pm
This was also very much me: I was lonely, I didn't feel I was "like" the other girls, nothing about school made me happy. I had not been abused, I was not gay, but I felt like I was trapped in a world that had nothing to offer me.

I cried all the time, all the time. And then one summer in high school my parents found me an art class, three times a week, at a local college. Everything changed that summer. I discovered I could paint! I started painting all the time. I met other kids (albeit not frum kids) who loved painting and we painted together. FINALLY, friends like me and a hobby that made me really happy and really excited.

Ultimately I changed schools to a place that offered me more creative options, and I stopped crying.

Edited to add: Not everyone can learn and thrive in the same box.
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channa95




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 20 2022, 6:50 pm
I saw your post recently and I am dealing with similar issues in my family. Has anything worked for your daughter? How is she doing?
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