Feeling Guilty | Imamother

amother

Fri, Jan 14 2022, 2:40 am

I find it very hard to daven the written word from a siddur. I have so much to ask for yet I’m too lazy to open a siddur. I justify my lack of tefillah all the time. I talk to HaShem in my own words throughout the day, I say tehillim and a bunch of tefillos from an aneini every night which speaks to me more. But shacharis, mincha or maariv is just very hard for me to do. There was a time when I wouldn’t go to sleep at night without Davening at least one tefillah that day…but with a newborn in the house that kind of fizzled out too….at the same time, I feel like if I don’t daven for my family, who will? (I do talk to HaShem about them in my own words) and I keep thinking HaShem will give me hardships in order that He can ‘get’ my tefillos. I also feel guilty because when I DO go through a hard time (of which I’ve had many,) I daven like crazy. I feel so hypocritical. I’d love some advice but either way, it feels good to write this all down.

amother

SandyBrown

Fri, Jan 14 2022, 2:47 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

What is the bolded if not davening? You are davening. You are just davening differently as circumstances change.
I think our relationship with Hashem is like any other. There are cycles. Times of more intense davening, times of less intense davening. Times of formal tefillos, and times of tefillos from the heart... As long as the connection is maintained, we're doing well. (And when the connection isn't maintained at times because we're in pain, that's also okay and still part of the relationship.)
Chas v'sholem to think that Hashem will give you hardships to get tefillos. Hardships don't come as a punishment for davening this way or that way. You daven, formally or in your own words, to maintain a relationship. And you have hardships at times, because that's how life goes and that's how we grow.
Enjoy your newborn. Enjoy your relationship with Hashem.