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Forum -> Parenting our children

Fraud Mom

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amother

Mon, Jan 17 2022, 6:58 pm

I’m so broken.

On the outside I seem to be the best mom ever. I never ever raise my voice, I’m loving and super kind to my kids. I let them grow, make messes and we do wonderful things together as a family.

Everyone’s always asking me for parenting tips but I’m the greatest fraud of all time.

Internally I don’t even love my kids. If feels horrible admitting this but it’s the truth. I am the best possible mother out of duty. But I should never have become a mother at all.

I don’t begin to know how to love my kids. I know it sounds strange because I look like the best mother but it’s the bitter truth.

They were such difficult babies and managed to get all the bad looks and traits from both sides.
They’re not smart, or pretty, or kind or have fun personalities. And I have all the above. It hurts me so that they got nothing from their own mother.

I keep getting comments all the time. Like it’s the funniest thing that they’re nothing like their mom. Did u even give birth to them?!
It’s soul crushing.

I can’t believe I actually wrote these words. It sounds beyond awful.
But please please I need help!

How can I start loving them for real? I’m already doing everything for them. I’m trying so so hard Crying

BrisketBoss

Mon, Jan 17 2022, 7:00 pm

First of all, love is a verb. Reject the idea that you are 'supposed to feel' a certain way about anything ever.

Zehava

Mon, Jan 17 2022, 7:12 pm

Op do you feel your feelings in general ? Excitement, sadness, anger, pain…

amother

Cyan

Mon, Jan 17 2022, 7:16 pm

It sounds to me like you don’t accept or like your children for who they are and the way HaShem made them.

But love comes from giving, which it sounds like you do a lot of. So maybe you’re mixing up what the feeling of love is?

Do you have the desire to protect them and care for them in every way possible?

amother

Mon, Jan 17 2022, 7:22 pm

Thanks for replying.

I’m trying to tune in to what you’re saying brisketboss.

And Zehava, I sure do feel. But I’ve never been loved until I got married and I can’t seem to get this right.

English3

Mon, Jan 17 2022, 7:31 pm

If you don't feel like your a good mother it comes from lack of love from yourmother.

amother

Mint

Mon, Jan 17 2022, 7:31 pm

How is your relationship with your husband? Do your kids trigger you because they remind you of him? Could it be that they aren’t just not as fun loving and talented as you are, but maybe they have some unhealthy character traits?

tichellady

Mon, Jan 17 2022, 7:32 pm

It’s more important to act as a good mom than how you feel about them. Obviously you want to work on how you feel about them but at least you are a good parent even if the feelings aren’t there

amother

Slategray

Mon, Jan 17 2022, 7:34 pm

Sounds like you have imposter syndrome. Google it.

zaq

Mon, Jan 17 2022, 7:35 pm

OP, you sound as if you may be suffering from Post Partum Depression. Untreated PPD can lead to chronic depression; feeling no love for one's baby is one of the signs.

From mayoclinic.org:

Postpartum depression signs and symptoms may include:

Depressed mood or severe mood swings
Excessive crying
Difficulty bonding with your baby
Withdrawing from family and friends
Loss of appetite or eating much more than usual
Inability to sleep (insomnia) or sleeping too much
Overwhelming fatigue or loss of energy
Reduced interest and pleasure in activities you used to enjoy
Intense irritability and anger
Fear that you're not a good mother
Hopelessness
Feelings of worthlessness, shame, guilt or inadequacy
Diminished ability to think clearly, concentrate or make decisions
Restlessness
Severe anxiety and panic attacks
Thoughts of harming yourself or your baby
Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide

You haven't mentioned most of these symptoms but you did mention three. It may be wise to see a mental health professional to rule out (or in) PPDso that you can get the treatment you need.

amother

Crocus

Mon, Jan 17 2022, 7:37 pm

tichellady wrote:

It’s more important to act as a good mom than how you feel about them. Obviously you want to work on how you feel about them but at least you are a good parent even if the feelings aren’t there

Not to shame OP but her feelings about her kids are dark and I hope she does work through them. Because it would be soul crushing for kids to know their mother felt that way.

amother

Antiquewhite

Mon, Jan 17 2022, 7:41 pm

What positive traits do your children have?

amother

Slategray

Mon, Jan 17 2022, 7:42 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thanks for replying.

I’m trying to tune in to what you’re saying brisketboss.

And Zehava, I sure do feel. But I’ve never been loved until I got married and I can’t seem to get this right.

If you've never been loved how do you expect to feel it automatically. First go to therapy to learn to love yourself, then when you'll know how to love you will be able to feel that love for your children.

amother

Snowflake

Mon, Jan 17 2022, 7:47 pm

U sound like u may have trauma in ur background. That can lead to loving attachments and connectivity to be blocked even if it’s only in some areas. Not being loved until u got married is a huge red flag to me for this. I say this out of my own experience. Therapy, specifically someone who understands train and attachment and treats that can be tremendously helpful

Zehava

Mon, Jan 17 2022, 8:34 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thanks for replying.

I’m trying to tune in to what you’re saying brisketboss.

And Zehava, I sure do feel. But I’ve never been loved until I got married and I can’t seem to get this right.

You’ve never experienced parental love. It’s like a foreign language to you. Ofcourse you don’t speak it. First order of business is to explore that further.

amother

Magenta

Mon, Jan 17 2022, 9:23 pm

Do you love yourself or maybe love yourself ttoo much? Maybe you are overwhelmed. What age range are your children? Children can be very self-centered. It sounds like you may be doing too much for your children and stifling their growth. What do you want them to be smart in? School work? Teach them to smile - it will improve their beauty. Teach them how to be kind - have them help at home and take them places where they can help others. Teach them music and dance or hobbies - maybe that will help them have fun personalities.
When you bentch and say, "v'nimtza chein v'seichel tov,, have in mind your children.

amother

Coral

Mon, Jan 17 2022, 9:31 pm

I find my kids difficult too. I find the difficulties much bigger than the joys and I hate feeling this way, but not sure what to do about it.

Congresswoman

Mon, Jan 17 2022, 9:33 pm

Op I think it has nothing to do with your children and all with your childhood.
If you have not been loved as a child you are simply repeating the broken cycle. You are unable to give what you lack. It is not your fault, you have never been taught how to love. Perhaps inner child healing will allow you to naturally start loving.

Hugs I know someone like you and it’s really heartbreaking.

amother

Catmint

Mon, Jan 17 2022, 9:35 pm

OP- are your children happy? You may be just too hard on yourself.

But therapy will do wonders for you. You will learn how to feel, how to love.

amother

Buttercup

Mon, Jan 17 2022, 9:50 pm

Op, I had my first a bit over a year ago. Breastfeeding was easy for me and I enjoyed it but the whole time I was breastfeeding, I wasn’t enjoying my baby as much. I thought it didn’t matter because my baby is not there for my enjoyment. I had a strong biological urge to care for her. When she cried, I felt the cortisol in my body, I’d get so stressed, all I wanted was to make her happy. But at night when DH would look at the monitor and say, “isn’t she so cute” I didn’t experience that as much. I’d check the monitor all the time to make sure she was okay and stress out about it. But I didn’t experience that same “omg she’s adorable”.

After a year I stopped breastfeeding. Within a couple of weeks I started thinking omg she’s so so cute. I’m able to enjoy her so much more. I did happen to start her in daycare pt shortly after I stopped breastfeeding, so that may have also helped me. But I really think it was related to hormones. I started enjoying other parts of my life too.

I also have trauma in my background and think that should be explored but I agree with Zaq that it could also be medical (regardless of if you’re breastfeeding, I was just using my experience to show that hormones affect our feelings).

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