Dd feels bad for dh

amother

Tue, Jan 18 2022, 9:36 pm

I just got a letter from dd age 11 saying that it bothers her very much that dh does a lot of the housework that isn't meant for fathers l,like washing laundry and doing dishes. She claims when she goes to friends houses their moms do most of the work and she feels like in our home dh does most of the house work and I don't do much.she feels bad for dh.
Backstory: I am a mess of a housewife but try my best with working full time and come home the same time as her exhausted dh does help a lot.
I don't know how to respond to her.

amother

Tulip

Tue, Jan 18 2022, 9:46 pm

Does he act resentful about it? I think you need to sit down with her as a team and tell her every family has to do what works for them. And that it’s a good thing for a father to be helping out. I wonder where she got the idea that it’s a bad thing? I feel like she would never write it in reverse. I would want to understand where she picked up this thought process.

sequoia

Tue, Jan 18 2022, 9:49 pm

It’s both of your house.

He’s not “helping,” he’s being a normal partner.

This is such an unhealthy attitude.

Maybe she wants to do something special with just you? A girls’ night — baking cupcakes, manicures, Disney movies? Something like that?

But yeah, definitely tell her that when she has her own home she’ll be very glad it’s not all on her shoulders.

amother

Sand

Tue, Jan 18 2022, 10:04 pm

I would explain to her that every house does things differently and everyone does different jobs according to what they are good at. I'm a terrible cleaner and my dh does all the cleaning including dishes. My kids each pick jobs to do according to what they prefer. There are no boy/girl jobs....everyone pitches in with what they prefer.

WhatFor

Tue, Jan 18 2022, 10:09 pm

antipodess wrote:

Do her friends moms work full time?

I was wondering this too, but even if they are, it doesn't matter. I'm also wondering who taught her certain jobs aren't meant for men. I suspect it's more than just seeing her friends' mothers do them. Is this the type of message her school would send?

I'd definitely have a gentle discussion with her about these stereotypes and how they disadvantage girls and women. You can tell her that both parents are equally responsible for taking care of a house/family, and each couple can decide how they want to divide their chores. What works for one family might not work for another. When she has her own family, she can decide with her own partner how they divide the chores.

amother

Marigold

Tue, Jan 18 2022, 10:18 pm

My mom worked almost full time with a house full of kids. I don't recall him doing housework. We were a bunch of girls maybe that why? Mom was really super mom. Either way, someone once came to visit while my father was unpacking the grocery order. Not sure what prompted my mom but she told me later that they were so impressed. My dad does all the grocery shopping every week with plenty of the unpacking. I remember feeling so proud that my father helps his wife. (And others think he's amazing too lol)

I would tell her, as Sequoia said, this is how out family runs, we all pitch in. Maybe throw in Bec he loves us. Good luck!

amother

Honeysuckle

Tue, Jan 18 2022, 11:47 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Hm sounds like she is old enough to pitch in with dishes and laundry...

However, I would use this as an opportunity to discuss how every family is different and everyone shoulders different things based on their abilities/time, and also to tell her what a great father she has who takes such great care of you all.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Jan 19 2022, 7:08 am

WhatFor wrote:

This jumped out at me, too. Hello, what century are we living in? Banging head

Kids that age only see the surface, and in their "wisdom" think that they know the whole story. Maybe her friend's moms all have cleaning help that comes in while their kids are in school. That could be why she sees tidy houses and nobody doing any chores. Maybe one of the the moms has OCD and cleans non stop after everyone else is asleep. Maybe those moms don't trust DH to do a good enough job. Maybe those dads are jerks, and refuse to help because "It's not their job."

Every home is different. My mom's kitchen was always neat and clean, but we knew that secretly she was notorious for shoving dirty dishes in the oven when unexpected company would show up. (Then dad would preheat the oven to make dinner, and melt all of the Tupperware. LOL

)

Chickensoupprof

Wed, Jan 19 2022, 7:17 am

Say to DD “we believe a good marriage is to use each other’s good skills instead on assuming a gender tells what kind of skillu should have”. My husband is good in rtyding up and folding laundry I’m good in cooking, my father did the ironing, my husband oddly also do ironing… I know of a sluchim couple where the husband cooks mostly the Shabbos meal and the wife only does the baking kugels, challes and cakes. Everyone needs to do the talent and every marriage and relationship is different and there are no typical women or men jobs.

amother

Junglegreen

Wed, Jan 19 2022, 7:52 am

Chickensoupprof wrote:

"ONLY does"? That's a lot for wife to do

imasinger

Wed, Jan 19 2022, 8:00 am

I love the idea of you and DH discussing this first, to be sure the two of you are okay with current distribution of responsibilities. Then, go as a team together to her.

Getting clear response from both parents that what we are doing is best for our family is exponentially more powerful than just one of you responding. You might want to invite her to share her concerns about herself. A precocious preteen like this may be evaluating her own place in the world, and have insecurities or misconceptions, like WhatFor said.

amother

Watermelon

Wed, Jan 19 2022, 8:01 am

Time to teach her about feminism, equal rights, women’s history.
The fact is women today share the burden of parnassa and therefore men need to share the burden of housework.
Women are not schmatte and there is no reason for a dh to relax while his wife cleans.

Of course all easier said than done if you send her to a RW conservative school with values that haven’t caught up with 21st century reality.

Also, you need to take a look and see if dh is actually not being overworked in contrast to you. I somehow doubt it, and her wording was couched in chauvinistic terms. But if he is indeed doing the bulk of domestic chores, you may want to see where you can take over. Unless he is home more than you are, of course.