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amother




OP
 

Post Fri, Jan 21 2022, 12:41 pm
This brokenhearted mother has recently been made aware that my older teenager son, who's in yeshiva away from home, was until recently a very ehrliche boy, has made some changes, got himself a smartphone, into shmutz. Not really davening or learning etc.
I am shocked and devastated and trying to figure out where we go from here. What made him change course etc.
I am also looking for chizuk. Can anyone tell me - can my son get back on track with the right help - and regain his purity and ehrlichkeit and love for yiddishkeit? Or is my child now ruined inside, having been exposed to who knows how much garbage.
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amother




Goldenrod
 

Post Fri, Jan 21 2022, 1:15 pm
Of course your child is not ruined. The smartphone, not davening is a symptoms of something else. If he is willing, talk to him to see what bothers him. Therapy would also be beneficial
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amother




Taupe
 

Post Fri, Jan 21 2022, 1:22 pm
DAVEN, DAVEN, DAVEN
That’s all we can do
DAVEN, DAVEN,DAVEN
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amother




Lemon
 

Post Fri, Jan 21 2022, 2:12 pm
I think that you can be a good mother. You can find out what’s going on with him. You can be a supportive and good mother.

My daughter is not in the same derech I am. She is well educated, successful and planning to marry a Jewish man who is also not religious. They keep nothing ( both come from observant families) and are respectful in the parental homes.)

My daughter thinks the way she was brought up is wonderful and plans to keep kosher and some form of Shabbat when she gets married. I don’t harass her about her choices and she respects mine. She doesn’t hate everything religious because we have a positive and solid relationship even if she makes different choices than me.

She is an adult. I can’t do anything about it but I can ruin my relationship if I don’t handle it right. Gd forbid.
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amother




DarkViolet
 

Post Fri, Jan 21 2022, 2:14 pm
Web Page Name

Anything with Reuvain Russel. YY Jacobson, Shais Taub, or Avi Fishoff.

There's a whole lot of parents dealing with this
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flmommy




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Jan 21 2022, 2:30 pm
Can you thing him home for a bit alto get a better grasp of what’s going on? Looking at inappropriate stuff isn’t so surprising for a boy his age. Is it worse?
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sequoia




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Jan 22 2022, 7:48 am
Why is it considered good for a teenage boy to be surrounded exclusively by other teenage boys and not seeing his parents, siblings, or extended family for months on end? How does that promote... anything?
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Jan 22 2022, 8:04 am
Do you believe in teshuva? I mean really believe that it is possible for anyone, no matter how dire the circumstances?

If your child is still breathing, then there is hope. Hope exists until the day we die. A yeshua can come in the blink of an eye, and despair is not an option.

More than anything, you need to love your child as he is now, while at the same time believing that he is capable of returning when Hashem wants him to.

For all you know, Hashem wants him to have some negative experiences, so that some day your child will be an amazing kiruv rabbi, and will be able to relate to teens at risk.

It hurts. I know it hurts. I daven every day that my DD will rediscover the love of Torah and Yiddishkeit that she used to have. I daven for her mental and physical health. I daven that she should be happy and safe.

I don't have any insight into why her neshama has this particular tikkun to work on. I don't know why my neshama has to go through the pain of having a child on a different derech. We just don't know, and not understanding is the most painful thing at all.

Daven that we should all have strength, clarity, and the ability to keep our hearts open, no matter how hard things get. Hug
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amother




Bronze
 

Post Sat, Jan 22 2022, 2:41 pm
Yes he will be fine what you are describing does not seem like a big deal all it’s normal for boys that age. Tbh it’s better when they get it out of their system in high school because then they have a chance to discover Torah and the love of yiddishkeit on their own after the phase ends (it’s usually lasts only until 12th grade) Moreover, getting over with it now means he won’t get into this stuff when he’s newly married and has a sense of freedom. That’s what happens to guys who were way to sheltered by they’re parents in high school.

A few questions:
How old is he?
What is he doing that’s “bad”?
A smart phone is not bad it’s normal nowadays he probably just wanted to fit in.
If he’s in 12th grade and is ready for bais medrash next year I recommend he goes to israel to imrei binah it’s an INCREDIBLE yeshiva a lot of Waterbury boys go/went there and when they leave after a few years THEY are the people who represent what Torah life should look like in this generation. With it, normal, respectable, well rounded, self aware, and emotionally healthy. All things that people who go through the regular system usually do not have.

I’m sorry if this post sounds a bit rude I don’t mean it to be. I know many many people who were like that in high school. I was along with many of my friends. I talked to boys and everything. Dropped out of school, realized when I was 17 that I wanted more in life, went to seminary came home, shidduch dated, met my husband and now am happily married and supporting him in kollel and we live in yerushalayim. The people who go through a journey have the richest lives spiritually and emotionally. I wish more middle aged parents realize this and don’t freak out when they’re kids start showing some personality.

Signed, not scathing just really want to help!
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amother




Cornsilk
 

Post Sat, Jan 22 2022, 2:47 pm
amother [ Bronze ] wrote:
Yes he will be fine what you are describing does not seem like a big deal all it’s normal for boys that age. Tbh it’s better when they get it out of their system in high school because then they have a chance to discover Torah and the love of yiddishkeit on their own after the phase ends (it’s usually lasts only until 12th grade) Moreover, getting over with it now means he won’t get into this stuff when he’s newly married and has a sense of freedom. That’s what happens to guys who were way to sheltered by they’re parents in high school.

A few questions:
How old is he?
What is he doing that’s “bad”?
A smart phone is not bad it’s normal nowadays he probably just wanted to fit in.
If he’s in 12th grade and is ready for bais medrash next year I recommend he goes to israel to imrei binah it’s an INCREDIBLE yeshiva a lot of Waterbury boys go/went there and when they leave after a few years THEY are the people who represent what Torah life should look like in this generation. With it, normal, respectable, well rounded, self aware, and emotionally healthy. All things that people who go through the regular system usually do not have.

I’m sorry if this post sounds a bit rude I don’t mean it to be. I know many many people who were like that in high school. I was along with many of my friends. I talked to boys and everything. Dropped out of school, realized when I was 17 that I wanted more in life, went to seminary came home, shidduch dated, met my husband and now am happily married and supporting him in kollel and we live in yerushalayim. The people who go through a journey have the richest lives spiritually and emotionally. I wish more middle aged parents realize this and don’t freak out when they’re kids start showing some personality.

Signed, not scathing just really want to help!


I agree with everything you said except he should go to FISCHERS!!
Perfect place for boys like this it’s mamish the best place ever
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amother




Bronze
 

Post Sat, Jan 22 2022, 2:49 pm
amother [ Cornsilk ] wrote:
I agree with everything you said except he should go to FISCHERS!!
Perfect place for boys like this it’s mamish the best place ever



Yes Fischer’s is great too!
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Jan 22 2022, 2:49 pm
sequoia wrote:
Why is it considered good for a teenage boy to be surrounded exclusively by other teenage boys and not seeing his parents, siblings, or extended family for months on end? How does that promote... anything?
This. I never understand why high school KIDS "need" to dorm.
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BrachaBatya




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Jan 22 2022, 3:03 pm
LOVE YOUR CHILD UNCONDITIONALLY. This is the most important thing you can do.
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Chaya rachel




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Jan 22 2022, 4:01 pm
The most important thing IMO is for your son to have a mentor in Israel, someone he can talk to about anything and someone who can be there for him and understand him. There are many wonderful people in Israel that can help, that do this specifically. Your son is not the only one in this position. If you want you can pm me maybe I can connect you with someone there.
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Jan 22 2022, 4:03 pm
Chaya rachel wrote:
The most important thing IMO is for your son to have a mentor in Israel, someone he can talk to about anything and someone who can be there for him and understand him. There are many wonderful people in Israel that can help, that do this specifically. Your son is not the only one in this position. If you want you can pm me maybe I can connect you with someone there.
Its interesting that you think her son is in israel. From her wording of "older teenager" I think many thought he was in high school.
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amother




Peach
 

Post Sat, Jan 22 2022, 4:08 pm
He is just doing what all independent teens are doing.
Panic like this will only worsen your relationship with him.
Let him find himself and be open with him, so he can be open with you.
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Congresswoman




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Jan 22 2022, 4:09 pm
amother [ Bronze ] wrote:
Yes he will be fine what you are describing does not seem like a big deal all it’s normal for boys that age. Tbh it’s better when they get it out of their system in high school because then they have a chance to discover Torah and the love of yiddishkeit on their own after the phase ends (it’s usually lasts only until 12th grade) Moreover, getting over with it now means he won’t get into this stuff when he’s newly married and has a sense of freedom. That’s what happens to guys who were way to sheltered by they’re parents in high school.

A few questions:
How old is he?
What is he doing that’s “bad”?
A smart phone is not bad it’s normal nowadays he probably just wanted to fit in.
If he’s in 12th grade and is ready for bais medrash next year I recommend he goes to israel to imrei binah it’s an INCREDIBLE yeshiva a lot of Waterbury boys go/went there and when they leave after a few years THEY are the people who represent what Torah life should look like in this generation. With it, normal, respectable, well rounded, self aware, and emotionally healthy. All things that people who go through the regular system usually do not have.

I’m sorry if this post sounds a bit rude I don’t mean it to be. I know many many people who were like that in high school. I was along with many of my friends. I talked to boys and everything. Dropped out of school, realized when I was 17 that I wanted more in life, went to seminary came home, shidduch dated, met my husband and now am happily married and supporting him in kollel and we live in yerushalayim. The people who go through a journey have the richest lives spiritually and emotionally.I wish more middle aged parents realize this and don’t freak out when they’re kids start showing some personality.

Signed, not scathing just really want to help!


Wow. I love everything about this post.
Bolded is a great line!
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amother




Lightblue
 

Post Sat, Jan 22 2022, 4:10 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
This brokenhearted mother has recently been made aware that my older teenager son, who's in yeshiva away from home, was until recently a very ehrliche boy, has made some changes, got himself a smartphone, into shmutz. Not really davening or learning etc.
I am shocked and devastated and trying to figure out where we go from here. What made him change course etc.
I am also looking for chizuk. Can anyone tell me - can my son get back on track with the right help - and regain his purity and ehrlichkeit and love for yiddishkeit? Or is my child now ruined inside, having been exposed to who knows how much garbage.


You can be ehrlich and love yidishkeit and also have a smart phone and watch movies. If you believe your son is "ruined inside", you will lose your relationship with him, and more than that, he might lose himself.
Yeshiva is not for everyone. Forcing it onto him can be damaging. How old is he? Can you talk with him about his plans and dreams? Would he prefer to go to university? How about half-day online university and a few hours of learning with a chavrusa? What are his interests?

There are so many ways to live as a frum jew and love yidishkeit. Don't take away all those possibilities from him.
Please don't make him believe that it's either "Yeshiva all day with no access to the secular world and smart phones" or nothing. He might choose nothing.
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amother




Cerise
 

Post Sat, Jan 22 2022, 4:19 pm
amother [ DarkViolet ] wrote:
Web Page Name

Anything with Reuvain Russel. YY Jacobson, Shais Taub, or Avi Fishoff.

There's a whole lot of parents dealing with this


Shimon Russell
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mushkamothers




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Jan 22 2022, 4:28 pm
sequoia wrote:
Why is it considered good for a teenage boy to be surrounded exclusively by other teenage boys and not seeing his parents, siblings, or extended family for months on end? How does that promote... anything?


This. The book Hold Onto Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld is eye opening for this.
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