Husband doesn't like child

amother

Sat, Jan 22 2022, 5:41 pm

I have a 7 year old child who has a lot of challenging behaviour. He gets very angry, hurts and breaks things, doesn't listen etc. He's been this way since he was born-never slept as a baby, was never happy, always high energy but it comes from his nature. At the same time as all this he is so sweet and sensitive and clever, a deep thinker who I believe will do great things one day. I wpuld love to take a consistent parenting approach but when I try to talk to my husband about this he is so resistant and won't support me, undermines what I do etc. Today, finally he admitted that he doesn't like him. It wasn't a surprise-I could tell a long time ago and he prefers our other children who have easier natures. My heart breaks for my sweet boy. Life is hard for him-every day is a struggle. Now imagine having a sense that his father just doesn't like him. What do I do??????? I cannot bear this pain

amother

Feverfew

Sat, Jan 22 2022, 5:48 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

my father and mother hated me cos I was diff to siblings. I was deep thinker with a deep rich inner world. I suffer from insecurity plus plus to this day.

amother

Sat, Jan 22 2022, 5:51 pm

amother [ Feverfew ] wrote:

my father and mother hated me cos I was diff to siblings. I was deep thinker with a deep rich inner world. I suffer from insecurity plus plus to this day.

I had a similar experience. I never dreamed my own child would as well. He's not a bad father though in general so how do I protect or help my child??? I never thought I would end up having to stand by and watch this awfulness happen

amother

Feverfew

Sat, Jan 22 2022, 5:58 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

my mother would always complain to my father how naughty I was - getting out of bed without permission or silly normal things that kids do espcially if they are looking for attention and he would slap me. call me out of bed if he wasn't home and slap me. I think his hatred would not have been half as bad if he didn't have to cope with my mothers complaints.

so you just always be fond of your child genuinely. talk highly of him to your husband.

when my husband said once something negative about a child I tried to twist it to positive or brush it away. he told me and so what - I still love him. I was shocked. but how do you love him if you see this fault. it took me years to love unconditionally...

amother

Birch

Sat, Jan 22 2022, 6:29 pm

I’m thinking more along the lines of your child and their developmental and emotional needs….have you had him eval’ed for ADHD? He seems to fit the profile to a T. And despite what anyone says you can’t fix this with diet. Signed, a therapist and mom who has been there

#BestBubby

Sat, Jan 22 2022, 7:05 pm

Have a Rov explain the following to the parent:

Hashem picked your husband to be the father of this child and he MUST love him.

Father should LOOK FOR THE GOOD. Must give the child one compliment and/or thank you every day.

Father should spend some one on one time with the child at least once a week, doing an activity
the child enjoys.

Father must repeat that the child was BORN with a difficult nature and is not "bad", but must
be taught GENTLY to improve. But remember that this is VERY HARD for the child and have realistic
expectations.

amother

Seafoam

Sat, Jan 22 2022, 8:41 pm

Does he love this child even though he doesn’t like him? Sometimes I feel like I don’t like my oldest who’s so difficult and brings out the worst in me. I feel terrible about it. But I do love him and wish I could give him a better life. I’m still working on it so no advice.

amother

Bottlebrush

Sat, Jan 22 2022, 8:51 pm

Had a similar situation. My husband didn't describe it as not liking a child, he described as just not getting this child and child frustrates him. Couldn't stand the way he parented and interacted with this child. It really upset me. Even spoke to a therapist about it. Fast forward 7 years later, after consistently backing dh up if child did something frustrating (instead of berating dh that he should done xyz or not let something get under his skin) their relationship has significantly improved. Dh doesn't feel judged. This child has a lot of respect for dh. Though I'm still the go-to person if this child has a problem and wants to talk about it. They don't have a typical father son relationship but dh is proud of him. He really is my dhs right hand man. Their is mutual understanding most of the time.

amother

Plum

Sat, Jan 22 2022, 9:46 pm

I have a child who I had a hard time connecting to (thats the easiest way to put it). I can't tell you how much I love this child. It was coming from severe trauma. When I realized it was about my feelings I was able to fix the situation. This child brings so much happiness to me and my family and I cherish this child more than I knew was possible.
Op - I don't know if your husband is able to be spoken it, but if he can separate his feelings and expectations from the child and try to see the child as having a tzelem elokim and own personality and self maybe that can help. But not everyone is capable of them.

amother

Amethyst

Sun, Jan 23 2022, 2:10 am

Wow, this is so challenging and painful to go through and observe!
There really are two parts to this issue- a)how to deal with the child and b) how to deal with your husband.
Regarding your child, I think you really have to be the one to build him up and see the good in him, which it's apparent you're already doing. Also, try not to feel guilty, or fall into the pain with your son. Believe that if he has this challenge, he has the ability to overcome it.
Regarding your husband, criticism is not going to make him like this child. As previous posters wrote, you can do your best to paint this child in a positive light and point out all his strengths.
Hatzlacha Raba! Remember, Hashem custom made this situation for you (and your child, and husband) to grow from it.

amother

Tuberose

Sun, Jan 23 2022, 10:21 am

I have this issue only I am the one who doesn’t ‘like’ the child. It’s my dd and even though she’s in her teens, needs constant reminders to do everything from brushing her teeth to doing her homework. She acts completely helpless and I find myself constantly losing my temper with her.
Yes, we work with professionals to help her. But I honestly do not like her sometimes and wish she was someone else’s child.