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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Jan 23 2022, 10:08 pm
We named our baby after a grandparent and added a name we like. We are calling the baby by the added name. My in-laws are really upset and we feel extremely guilty. They asked if we can please call our child by both names at least in their presence.

Do they have a right to demand this of us?

Is this a breach of Kibbud av va'em on our part?
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amother




Lemonchiffon
 

Post Sun, Jan 23 2022, 10:27 pm
Do you not like the first name? (The grandparent one)
Did you not like the person?
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Jan 23 2022, 10:30 pm
amother [ Lemonchiffon ] wrote:
Do you not like the first name? (The grandparent one)
Did you not like the person?


I don't like the name
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amother




Zinnia
 

Post Sun, Jan 23 2022, 10:30 pm
They don't have a right to choose your child's name and you have no obligation to listen. They are crossing a serious line with their request.
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amother




Bottlebrush
 

Post Sun, Jan 23 2022, 10:30 pm
They are out of bounds.
Put your foot down now.
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amother




Smokey
 

Post Sun, Jan 23 2022, 10:33 pm
My mom didn't talk to me for a year after I did this. I'm sorry. It's not easy dealing with people who have have unreasonable expectations regarding names. If you give in this time, be prepared to do the same the next time you give a name they don't like.
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amother




Blushpink
 

Post Sun, Jan 23 2022, 10:33 pm
I cant believe you even named ur child a name u didnt even like to appease ur in laws
put ur foot down now and just smile and nod and continue calling ur baby avrumi instead of ____ whatever the name is
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amother




Holly
 

Post Sun, Jan 23 2022, 10:51 pm
IMHO you shouldn’t have given the name at all if you weren’t going to use it.
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amother




Zinnia
 

Post Sun, Jan 23 2022, 11:13 pm
amother [ Holly ] wrote:
IMHO you shouldn’t have given the name at all if you weren’t going to use it.


That's not how it works. Plenty name after someone and don't use the name in everyday life. It's the opposite they should be so grateful that she even named that name.
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amother




Hydrangea
 

Post Sun, Jan 23 2022, 11:18 pm
Exactly what happened to us.
We named our son after my grandfather, he had a Hebrew name but was called by the Yiddish name (ex: Dov was his actual name but he was called Berel -this is not the real name we gave) we wanted to call him with the Hebrew name my parents refused. We ignored until I was meeting random people in the street and they would say how’s Berel doing? Or whatever. Clearly they were not just calling him Berel but they were going around telling everyone that’s his name.
We were fed up, I called my father and respectfully told him that we really want him to be called Dov and at least if he wants to call him Berel not to tell other people that that’s his name. My father got MAD started yelling and giving a whole rundown that a normal daughter would call up a parents and ask THEM how they wants us to call him not TELL the parents blah blah blah.
After that phone call our relationship went from bad to worse and they basically cut us off. (Thankfully, it was long overdue)
At this point we have limited contact. My parents and everyone else calls him by his Hebrew name without me ever mentioning it again.
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amother




Smokey
 

Post Sun, Jan 23 2022, 11:22 pm
amother [ Hydrangea ] wrote:
Exactly what happened to us.
We named our son after my grandfather, he had a Hebrew name but was called by the Yiddish name (ex: Dov was his actual name but he was called Berel -this is not the real name we gave) we wanted to call him with the Hebrew name my parents refused. We ignored until I was meeting random people in the street and they would say how’s Berel doing? Or whatever. Clearly they were not just calling him Berel but they were going around telling everyone that’s his name.
We were fed up, I called my father and respectfully told him that we really want him to be called Dov and at least if he wants to call him Berel not to tell other people that that’s his name. My father got MAD started yelling and giving a whole rundown that a normal daughter would call up a parents and ask THEM how they wants us to call him not TELL the parents blah blah blah.
After that phone call our relationship went from bad to worse and they basically cut us off. (Thankfully, it was long overdue)
At this point we have limited contact. My parents and everyone else calls him by his Hebrew name without me ever mentioning it again.


You could be my sister, if I had one. So sad when parents ruin their relationship with living children and grandchildren over a name.
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amother




Hydrangea
 

Post Sun, Jan 23 2022, 11:50 pm
amother [ Smokey ] wrote:
You could be my sister, if I had one. So sad when parents ruin their relationship with living children and grandchildren over a name.


Totally! I’m sorry you went through similar Hug
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amother




Lightpink
 

Post Mon, Jan 24 2022, 12:03 am
Not the same but I named my kid, let's say Yitzchak. My sister also has a yitzchak named for someone else that she calls yitzy. So I'm calling my newborn yitzchak and she loudly calls him yitzy. Tells my toddler "this is your baby YITZY?? how's your baby YITZY" trying to get toddler to be the one to call by this nickname.
Some people just have no boundaries.
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amother




Charcoal
 

Post Mon, Jan 24 2022, 12:55 am
When I was expecting, my MIL once shared with me her frustration that all her kids thay had a son named after her father used it as a second name and didn't actually call them by that name. She told me that she would have preferred that the name not be given at all if not a used first name.
Problem was, I really didn't like the name. I admired the person, but naming my child a name I don't like is not something I was willing to do.
So even though my husband really, really wanted to use the name and even though I do everything in my power to make him happy, this is one instance where I put my foot down. I would have been willing to use it as a second name but not to use it. Clearly this would not have been appreciated.
Note that my MIL told me of her frustration privately and not to my husbands siblings because that would have been pointless and overstepping boundaries, which she does not do.
Your child, your decision. Full stop.
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LovesHashem




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jan 24 2022, 1:00 am
amother [ Smokey ] wrote:
You could be my sister, if I had one. So sad when parents ruin their relationship with living children and grandchildren over a name.


She said it was long overdue thankfully, implying that there were a lot of issues and broken boundaries before the name thing.

I have a feeling most of these parents aren't exactly great at boundaries with other areas of their kids lives....
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LovesHashem




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jan 24 2022, 1:03 am
amother [ Holly ] wrote:
IMHO you shouldn’t have given the name at all if you weren’t going to use it.


Why? What if I want to honor someone with a second name for my child but only like calling my kids by their first names?

Loads of people have two names and go by one.
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amother




Milk
 

Post Mon, Jan 24 2022, 1:48 am
Sorry, I'm going to stick out here. What's the big deal of calling him by both names when you're around them? I have this with 2 of my kids. We call them the second name but when my in-laws are around, we call by both. No big sweat. Maybe they shouldn't have asked but if they already did, why not make them happy?
(Also happens to be there is an inyan to call the child by both names from time to time so that it is a name they are really called by.)
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AMothe




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jan 24 2022, 2:21 am
I feel like with many areas in life it’s a choice you make between being right and being a mentch. You can be annoyed about it and stick to calling him the second name and you have the right, but then there’s thinking beyond what’s “my right” and about your relationship with them in the long run. I think it’s nice of them to ask you to call both names only in front of them. How often are you with them and how often are you going to say the child’s name to them? I feel like it’ll just make them feel respected and cared for, and will only do good for the long term.

I have a relative who does this, and it works out nicely! To most of us they call her one name, and in front of one set of grandparents they’ll say both names. I think it’s so sensitive of them.
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LovesHashem




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jan 24 2022, 2:28 am
AMothe wrote:
I feel like with many areas in life it’s a choice you make between being right and being a mentch. You can be annoyed about it and stick to calling him the second name and you have the right, but then there’s thinking beyond what’s “my right” and about your relationship with them in the long run. I think it’s nice of them to ask you to call both names only in front of them. How often are you with them and how often are you going to say the child’s name to them? I feel like it’ll just make them feel respected and cared for, and will only do good for the long term.

I have a relative who does this, and it works out nicely! To most of us they call her one name, and in front of one set of grandparents they’ll say both names. I think it’s so sensitive of them.


Being a mensch is calling them when you give birth, is giving them a kavod at the bris possibly.

It is not naming your children for someone else.

Would you say the same thing if it was your neighbor who requested what you call your child?
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WitchKitty




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jan 24 2022, 2:44 am
LovesHashem wrote:

Would you say the same thing if it was your neighbor who requested what you call your child?

It's not, though. It's the parents who brought you up. As long as they don't start telling your friends about the full name, only theirs, I would be happy to oblige. They've given up on countless things for me.
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