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Forum -> Pregnancy & Childbirth -> Baby Names
I named my baby...
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amother
Smokey


 

Post Mon, Jan 24 2022, 8:29 am
amother [ Puce ] wrote:
Wow reading this thread makes me feel so validated since I'm going through the same exact thing right now! BH we were blessed with a baby girl a few months ago and my DH and I chose a name that was meaningful to us and now his grandfather will not talk to us since we had the "chutzpah" to not "consult him" over which name to give our child, he had expected us to name after DH's grandmother that was nifteres a few months before the birth of our daughter, but we chose a different name for many valid reasons. Now, not only will the grandfather not talk to us, but he has dragged my FIL over to his side, to the point where FIL told DH last night, citing a conversation he had with a well-known Rebbe (btw we are not chassidish) that it's a shame he made such a "mistake" and gave our child the "wrong name"...
It seems the next step is an expensive Orlando Pesach retreat for the entire extended family, all expenses paid by the grandfather... besides for us, who are cordially uninvited since we no longer deserve to be part of the family...

ETA that we are still (and were, all along) planning on naming after the grandmother in the future IYH, and both the grandfather and my FIL are fully aware of that.


Just mind boggling to me how many people will ruin their relationships with living family members over a name. They get so caught up in it, they just don't even see the harm they are doing to themselves. So foolish. My mom literally ruined her relationship with me and all my children because of this...and ironically it was over a parents name who she wasn't even close to and was actually very rude to for many years.
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amother
Milk


 

Post Mon, Jan 24 2022, 8:29 am
There's a difference here between when you've called a different name already or when you've called 2 names including the name they wanted. If you've called a different name, that's your right and they shouldn't be interfering. If you've called 2 names and they aren't asking you to switch to the second name but simply to call both names and not all the time just when they're around, why make a huge issue out of it? It's such an easy way to make them happy.
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amother
Crimson


 

Post Mon, Jan 24 2022, 9:03 am
I also thought the way you all think before I lost my father, now that my father passed away, I understand the feelings involved. It's not my business what my nieces and nephews name their babies (my children are still young), but it is definitely as sign of disrespect to my parents-especially my mother, she should live and be well.
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amother
Smokey


 

Post Mon, Jan 24 2022, 9:11 am
amother [ Crimson ] wrote:
I also thought the way you all think before I lost my father, now that my father passed away, I understand the feelings involved. It's not my business what my nieces and nephews name their babies (my children are still young), but it is definitely as sign of disrespect to my parents-especially my mother, she should live and be well.


That's where the problem lies...how is it disrespect? A lot goes into naming a child. So if I choose to use one name and not another or call a nickname you don't like why is that disrespectful?
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Mon, Jan 24 2022, 9:16 am
amother [ Holly ] wrote:
IMHO you shouldn’t have given the name at all if you weren’t going to use it.

We have a child with two names, officially named after a grandparent. (The name came about due to circumstances, not because we were actually naming after that grandparent.) we don’t use the second name, and it is not even on the birth certificate for this child.it is still this child’s name, and the child of this grandparent is happy “knowing” that we named after their parent.
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amother
Crimson


 

Post Mon, Jan 24 2022, 9:18 am
amother [ Smokey ] wrote:
That's where the problem lies...how is it disrespect? A lot goes into naming a child. So if I choose to use one name and not another or call a nickname you don't like why is that disrespectful?


no

but if you have a close grandparent that recently passed away, by close I mean a parents, parent and you chose to skip that name and go three or four generations back instead while the surviving spouse of grandparent is sitting there, its a sign of disrespect.

Call the kid whatever you want
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amother
Zinnia


 

Post Mon, Jan 24 2022, 9:20 am
amother [ Crimson ] wrote:
I also thought the way you all think before I lost my father, now that my father passed away, I understand the feelings involved. It's not my business what my nieces and nephews name their babies (my children are still young), but it is definitely as sign of disrespect to my parents-especially my mother, she should live and be well.


No it’s not disrespect. Everyone had to stop feeling entitled about names. There are a million valid reasons someone might choose not to give the name.
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amother
Hydrangea


 

Post Mon, Jan 24 2022, 9:28 am
LovesHashem wrote:
She said it was long overdue thankfully, implying that there were a lot of issues and broken boundaries before the name thing.

I have a feeling most of these parents aren't exactly great at boundaries with other areas of their kids lives....


Correct. I can’t imagine a healthy normal parent do that.
My father was always abusive and breaking boundaries (and manipulating) was his expertise.
I never wanted to be the one to cut off because that would make me the crazy one, right?!
So thankfully he did and only then was I able to make my own boundaries learn how to keep to them!
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amother
Tiffanyblue


 

Post Mon, Jan 24 2022, 9:29 am
amother [ Crimson ] wrote:
I also thought the way you all think before I lost my father, now that my father passed away, I understand the feelings involved. It's not my business what my nieces and nephews name their babies (my children are still young), but it is definitely as sign of disrespect to my parents-especially my mother, she should live and be well.


There shouldn’t be a “but” after this sentence.
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amother
Opal


 

Post Mon, Jan 24 2022, 9:29 am
amother [ Holly ] wrote:
IMHO you shouldn’t have given the name at all if you weren’t going to use it.


Why? It was very meaningful to my husband to name after his Rebbe. That happened to be a name which reminds me of a very painful / traumatic experience . We named it as the first name with an agreement that we will never use it and we call him his second name. My husband is happy and I don’t mind it. I don’t see a problem.
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notshanarishona




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 24 2022, 9:31 am
amother [ Crimson ] wrote:
I also thought the way you all think before I lost my father, now that my father passed away, I understand the feelings involved. It's not my business what my nieces and nephews name their babies (my children are still young), but it is definitely as sign of disrespect to my parents-especially my mother, she should live and be well.


You are wrong, you don’t know that your nieces/ nephews like the name. You don’t know if they have another name they love. You don’t know if they had a good relationship with their grandfather. Their could be a 100 reasons they don’t use the name, your mothers feelings have nothing to do with it.
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amother
Crimson


 

Post Mon, Jan 24 2022, 9:33 am
amother [ Tiffanyblue ] wrote:
There shouldn’t be a “but” after this sentence.


That's what you say

Noone says anything to the parents of the baby, but yes it's a sign of disrespect.
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notshanarishona




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 24 2022, 9:33 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
We named our baby after a grandparent and added a name we like. We are calling the baby by the added name. My in-laws are really upset and we feel extremely guilty. They asked if we can please call our child by both names at least in their presence.

Do they have a right to demand this of us?

Is this a breach of Kibbud av va'em on our part?


They don’t have a right to demand anything, your child, your choice. You don’t have to feel guilty.
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amother
Zinnia


 

Post Mon, Jan 24 2022, 9:35 am
amother [ Crimson ] wrote:
That's what you say

Noone says anything to the parents of the baby, but yes it's a sign of disrespect.


No it isn’t. And attitudes like this are what ruins family relationships.
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amother
Crimson


 

Post Mon, Jan 24 2022, 9:47 am
amother [ Zinnia ] wrote:
No it isn’t. And attitudes like this are what ruins family relationships.


im not talking about ruining relationships. there are no relationships being ruined here
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amother
Zinnia


 

Post Mon, Jan 24 2022, 9:50 am
amother [ Crimson ] wrote:
im not talking about ruining relationships. there are no relationships being ruined here


If you think no one picks up on your judgment or your viewing them as being disrespectful you are mistaken.
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amother
DarkOrange


 

Post Mon, Jan 24 2022, 9:53 am
Sorry I disagree
What's the big deal?
People ask for stupid things all the time, maybe they shouldn't have but if they did and this would make them happy who gives a toss?
My parents and in-laws do so much for me, if my mother on law said asked me to call my child by his full name in her presence, I would say sure and try to remember to do it. You have a right to do whatever u want but it's also such an easy thing to make others happy, so why not? It's not like you see her everyminute of the day
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amother
Crimson


 

Post Mon, Jan 24 2022, 10:02 am
amother [ Zinnia ] wrote:
If you think no one picks up on your judgment or your viewing them as being disrespectful you are mistaken.


Not true, but whatever.

It would be interesting to see a spin-off of how many of these responses here lost a parent.
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keym




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 24 2022, 10:19 am
amother [ Crimson ] wrote:
Not true, but whatever.

It would be interesting to see a spin-off of how many of these responses here lost a parent.


I lost a parent as a teenager. It was years before I named my child after my father. My child was the first person named after my father.
Was it upsetting finding out that relatives didn't name after him? Sure. But that's on me to handle the upset, not them to give the name.
Do I want my children to give the name or call by the name? Well sure. But if they don't, that's again on me.
I can't hang MY Nechama on someone else's choices. I can just take care of what I can do- sponsoring stuff, talking about him.
My level of comfort cannot and should never be based on how many if any people are named after him.
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amother
Smokey


 

Post Mon, Jan 24 2022, 10:23 am
amother [ Crimson ] wrote:
Not true, but whatever.

It would be interesting to see a spin-off of how many of these responses here lost a parent.


Just wondering if you named your own kids names that you chose out of obligation and therefore feel like others should do the same. Why does your comfort for your fathers death come from what other people name their child? There are so many things you personally could do in his zchus.
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