S/O naming after relatives poll

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Do you think it’s a sign of disrespect/bother you if a couple doesn’t name after a close grandparent

Yes- I lost a parent

15%

[ 8 ]

Yes-I didn’t lose a parent

22%

[ 12 ]

No- I lost a parent

20%

[ 11 ]

No-I didn’t lose a parent

41%

[ 22 ]

Total Votes : 53

amother

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 7:17 am

Please only answer this poll if your community names after deceased relatives and not if you are part of a community that picks random names that you like

amother

Lemon

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 7:42 am

I didn't understand the poll and voted wrong.

LovesHashem

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 7:43 am

But is this someone who skipped over a name? Or someone who chose a name not from their family that they liked?

ShishKabob

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 7:45 am

It really depends on the reason why they're doing it. Where I come from, it would be considered a sign of disrespect, if you could give the name and you don't. I personally hope not to get insulted by it.

chanchy123

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 7:46 am

In my community it is a sign of respect to name after a deceased relative, however it’s not a sign of disrespect to choose not do so. However, it is understandable that some relatives are disappointed and hurt if parents choose not to do so. It is not acceptable for the community to judge other people’s name choice.

amother

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 7:49 am

LovesHashem wrote:

But is this someone who skipped over a name? Or someone who chose a name not from their family that they liked?

The op says not to respond if you are just picking a name

amother

Glitter

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 7:53 am

Right wing/yeshivish.
People I know name after grandparents etc or they choose a name. It’s not one or the other. Usually, if someone passed away recently, that person is named after, but if it’s been years and there are already grandchildren named after that person there’s no real pressure to continue to do so. If someone passes away and a month later there’s a bris and the parents choose a name they liked and not the other name that might be hurtful for those who lost the parent, but I hope nobody would comment.

amother

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 7:55 am

amother [ Glitter ] wrote:

Yes exactly this.

LovesHashem

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 7:56 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

The op says not to respond if you are just picking a name

No you said no to comment if you're from a community where picking names is standard.

My community (yeshivish/chareidi) people name after relatives. But I see more and more young people giving names they picked most people I know picked their kids names.

We did too. Maybe it's the younger generation.....I don't know.

amother

Pumpkin

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 8:03 am

to clarify, did the person just pass away or or a while ago?

I think it also matters if the name is yiddish or not and what the person who passed away felt about their name.

My mother should live and be well and I may not have more children anyway. She has a yiddish name and goes by her english name. When she was in israel for the year she actually made up another name but when she moved back to america she went back to her english name. my dh doesn't like yiddish names. thankfully I was able to name after family members without using yiddish names but I didn't name after one grandmother who has a yiddish name but she already had other grandchildren named after her. I've named after that grandmothers sister and her daughter as well as my other grandmother.

amother

Butterscotch

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 8:47 am

My youngest sister was just three when my grandmother was niftar, and naturally has almost no memories of her. Fast forward twenty years, and she produces the first granddaughter. My father was incredibly touched when, without any prompting, she chose to name her daughter after an unknown grandmother. He really felt that he couldn't expect her to even remember it.

Another nephew was named after his great grandfather. When he was about five he explained how he had a special saba in Shamayim who had also had that name, and now he was looking after the name for that Saba. For a five year old, I thought it was a wonderful way of putting it.

Chayalle

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 8:59 am

My mother A"H had two uncommon names (she was named after her grandmother and great-grandmother, HY"D, she was the only granddaughter who could carry on those names), and she often told us that she did not want any of her grandchildren to suffer the fun that was poked at her name when she was growing up.

My sister named her little girl after my mother A"H, but my married nieces have not chosen to do so. My sisters don't mix into their married daughters' decisions on names (and neither will I B"EH when my girls get married.)

My sister is calling her DD by the name my mother was called, and somehow it works with that gorgeous little girl - she pulls it off. I think society is much more accepting these days than they were in the 1950's my mother grew up in. I think my niece will be fine. It's not a bad name, just not very common. (I have 3 brothers who also named their daughters after my mother, but their girls are all being called by a nickname. My brothers live in E"Y and apparently it's a big deal in the circles they are in. I know my mother would not have wanted her descendants to be uncomfortable. She said so so many times).

amother

Alyssum

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 9:00 am

Why is it relevant if you lost a parent? I personally think it’s respectful to name after, but parents have to like their kids names and I would never hold it against someone who doesn’t name after.

amother

Ghostwhite

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 9:14 am

There's a difference between feeling bad and sad and feeling insulted. Both my parents are gone. I never said a word to any of my kids about naming names, except as a joke, like if one was due around Pesach I might say "Arbakosos is a cute name!" What they name their kid is their business and unless they ask me if I have any requests, which no one ever did, I'm keeping my mouth shut.

That doesn't stop me from feeling sad that I have no dgc named for certain people. I totally understand, they're not the most euphonious names, and I don't blame my kids for not wanting to use them. I wouldn't, either, and having always hated my own name, I wouldn't want to ruin another innocent child's life. But that doesn't stop me from feeling a little sad about it.

That should be my biggest regret.

ETA When I was younger I used to say that I don't want any of my dc giving their child my name. In reality I hope to live long enough that when I go after 120 it'll be my grandchildren naming babies, but whatever. I hate my name because of teasing I endured for many years and I'm not at all sure that even in the kind of ultra-frum circles my kids travel in, the name doesn't result in that same kind of teasing. Would my soul be pained if nobody were given my name? Maybe, especially if I hang out upstairs or down with people who have dozens of namesakes running around. However, there are names with similar or closely-related meanings, and I'd like to think that in the afterlife I will be "big" enough to be happy if one of my descendants is given such a name and not saddled with the moniker that gave me so much misery.

amother

Poppy

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 9:42 am

I agree that I would be sad but not resentful. And yes, I have lost a parent. My kids are just getting to the point where this is an issue, and nobody in the extended family has named for my parent yet, so I guess I don't actually know, but that's what I think.

amother

Stonewash

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 9:59 am

If you named after deceased relatives, I would find it disrespectful not to name after a grandparent. ( parent of baby’s mother of father)

amother

Dimgray

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 1:38 pm

amother [ Stonewash ] wrote:

If you named after deceased relatives, I would find it disrespectful not to name after a grandparent. ( parent of baby’s mother of father)

Is naming after a relative a sign of respect? What about if they aren't worthy of that respect? Just because you aren't alive anymore doesn't make you a tzaddik/es.

BTW, I do come from a family that names after grandparents. I do see a trend where our parents/in-laws chose which ones they felt like skipping, but would be "offended" if we did the same with their parents'/spouses' etc name.

My grandfather never made a fuss about what names you gave. His theory was "if you don't feel the zechuya of being able to name after someone, it will bring no honor to the one being named after" (I'm botching the wording but something like that)