Is this normal | Imamother

amother

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 4:41 pm

My daughter is 5 and a half. The teacher played a game with the kids and they all got a prize. There were a few types of prizes and my daughter came home very upset that some kids got a really cool prize and she got a very not good prize. She's been upset now for about an hour and is not letting up. I offered her pancakes, prizes from my closet, reading a book to her etc..

Is my daughter's reaction reasonable?

Chickensoupprof

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 4:44 pm

Yeah and to be honest I find the teacher silly to do this at children in this age because they will comparing. She could have seen this coming really… validate your daughter feeling for now and if needed give feedback to the Morah.

BrisketBoss

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 4:47 pm

Yes that sounds par for the course for 5. I don't agree with what the teacher did but in the end we can't control our children's relationships with other people. So I would just validate her that it's hard when we don't get what we wanted. I wouldn't try to make it up by offering consolation prizes. (I think she needs to be heard, not for you to fix it or make it better. She needs to experience the disappointment and work through it at her own pace, then come out on the other side better able to face future disappointments.)

Last edited by BrisketBoss on Mon, Jan 24 2022, 4:51 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Brunette

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 4:50 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It is reasonable from her perspective, but it is not the teacher's fault.

I.e. the teacher might have bought prizes (thanks to her for investing the effort and the money to buy the prizes), maybe they all were worth the same, but maybe for the children prize A was much better than prize B.

So it is understandable that your daughter feels frustrated. Best idea for her would be to try and exchange a coveted prize for something she is ready to give up.

amother

Clematis

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 5:53 pm

I teach Pre1A. There are times I give every child the same prize, and times that they choose from a selection. Even if the prize is the same, a child may decide that they really, really want a certain color and find themselves with a different one. When they choose, we may run out of some of the options. It is healthy for the children to face disappointment and not always get their first choice.

It is important to validate their feelings, understanding that it is upsetting to not get what they had wanted most. They then can try to appreciate the other prize or hope that next time they will get something they appreciate more. This develops flexible thinking and the ability to move on, maybe eventually becoming happy with what they have. It is not such a good idea to reward their dwelling on that feeling. Offering additional prizes at home to “make up for it” will teach her that they is not seen as emotionally strong enough to deal with the disappointment and will only make her more likely to get more upset each time they don’t get there way.

BrisketBoss

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 6:04 pm

"Pre-1A is a grade in the Jewish day school structure of education, mainly in New York, that is the equivalent of Kindergarten in the United States."

OHHHH.

That makes so much sense.

observer

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 6:04 pm

BrisketBoss wrote:

I agree with everything Brisketboss wrote.
I would definitely not offer a consolation prize, but I would validate her feelings and empathize with her disappointment. That's part of the bigger picture of learning to handle disappointment.

amother

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 10:49 am

Thanks for all the feedback.

To clarify, this was not about color. There was a big discrepancy in types of prizes from the way she described it. (10 cents type prize vs $1 type prize) she wasn't able to choose what she liked (closed eyed and picked) I hear you all saying not to compensate but to me this just feels very wrong. I validated for a long time. In the end I did give her something and she eventually did calm down. When I'm upset I do something to cheer me up. So I did the same with her...