I keep clashing with my daughter - vent

amother

Wed, Jan 26 2022, 4:14 pm

amother [ Lilac ] wrote:

Also, things are smoother because you give in. That's not right. Children need their parents to set boundaries. When you set clear boundaries, she'll be happier. She might scream at the beginning but she'll be calmer. Choose two specific rules that you are going to insist on. And don't ever give in on those rules. She needs to feel that you are strong. She is pushing and pushing to see how far she can push. If you stand firm, she'll stop pushing. It might take time until she realizes that you've changed but it will come.

You might be on to something.

I think that maybe because I feel that we always clash, I always try to be extra nice to her and avoid confrontation. Then it becomes a lack of boundaries.
It is hard for me to find a proper way.

Chayalle

Wed, Jan 26 2022, 4:14 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

No.
It has always been like this.
Most of the time I do all the right things but sometimes I just have no koach. Like today.

In fact it's been a very long time since I felt so inedaquate. Mostly because I tried my best to give in to her.
I need to go to therapy I guess. But it won't help me today or next week.

I do think then that, for the longer term, the right therapist could help you work on relating to your daughter, giving her what she needs in a way that it doesn't deplete you.

In the short term, you sound exhausted. I would drop anything that involves a power struggle. It's not worth it in the long run.

mha3484

Wed, Jan 26 2022, 5:15 pm

Ross Green is a leading expert on parenting challenging children. His premise is that kids do well when they can vs the idea that kids do well when they want to. The negative behavior comes from the lack of ability to meet the expectation placed on them. No kid wants to live this way. Its all kinds of awful when you cant meet your parents or teachers expectations. He has a whole method called collaborative and proactive solutions or some people call it collaborative problem solving that works really well for kids like this.

This is a really good summary of his book. He also has a website that has tons of free info. I linked it above.

https://medium.com/@conquer.fr.....a0b41

I have an 11 year old son who really really does well with this approach. Also a 7 year old but hes less of a talker so I use the parts that work for him.

amother

Lilac

Thu, Jan 27 2022, 1:04 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I can help you with this. Would you be comfortable giving me a way to reach you privately?

lamplighter

Thu, Jan 27 2022, 1:13 pm

Read Dr Ross Greenes book the explosive child. Eye opening.

I think you need to take a big step back, set limits on the things that really matter and leave natural consequences for the rest.
You should leave the choice to go to sport to her.
Ask her to tell you what she wants to do for the bad mitzvah.
You are taking responsibility for her choices and her feelings. Hand them back to her.
Spend quality time with her, validate her, and be firm about the boundaries you set.
Some kids are draining, I have one like this and I always remember the 2 golden rule.
Kids do well if they can and
A child isn't giving you a hard time they are having a hard time.

FranticFrummie

Thu, Jan 27 2022, 1:32 pm

12 is the worst year, EVER. I told DD that you could not pay me enough money in the world to be 12 again. It's hormonal, it's confusing, you're not a little kid, but you're not really a teenager either. You want to be treated like an adult, but your brain isn't mature enough to handle it. It's the pits!

On top of it, you are hormonal too. You haven't gotten decent sleep since who knows when, you probably aren't eating right, and you definitely need to pee and take showers. (Bring the baby into the bathroom with you if you have to.)

Remember the 5 to 1 rule. For every criticism, you have to give 5 praises or thank yous. They need to be specific, too. "Thank you for changing the baby. It really helps when I'm feeling tired." "Please don't yell when the baby is almost asleep" is about as critical as you should get.

Pick and choose your battles. Is anyone bleeding? Is there a fire? Is there a bad guy in the house? Is anyone being eaten by a bear? OK, then things are under control. Let the rest of it go for now.

When DD was 12, she had me in tears in a near daily basis. I had healthy boundaries for her, but that didn't stop her from pushing them every chance she got. She wanted and wanted and wanted. She lived in her room, in front of her computer, and only wanted to eat potato chips. I felt like the worst mother on the planet.

Fast forward. She's 18 now, and delightful. She has the most lovely middos you could imagine. She graduated at the top of her class, was crowned prom queen, works full time, and is starting college soon. If you told me 4 years ago that this would be my kid, I wouldn't have believed you.

Please get some support for yourself, and just let your DD sort some things out for herself. If she wants the class, she'll go to it. Right now, your priority needs to be your health and sanity, or you won't be a good mother to anybody.

It gets better! Hug

amother

Molasses

Thu, Jan 27 2022, 11:01 pm

Rigidity is often caused by anxiety and anxiety isn’t rational so you can’t talk her out of it. I’m going to guess she has lots of anxiety going on. Not the worrying type, just the irrational high arousal survival brain type. The inertia is concerning and it’s hard to watch your kid be sedentary and but it’s not worth sacrificing your relationship on the altar of exercise. Address the anxiety first.

amother

Sunflower

Fri, Jan 28 2022, 10:36 am

Cancel the class. Don't push her to do exercise.
You have to take back control. You are the parent. Tell her you see she doesn't appreciate the class, and theres no reason to pay for something she doesn't like, so you will cancel it. If she wants to commit and rejoin to let you know.
Like I tell my (older) kids - it is not my job to entertain you. I dont take the "kvetching" of I'm bored. You have books? You have enough toys? find what to do. There always dishes or laundry. lol.

She'll be a teenager soon enough, where she will be more conscious about what she eats, and how she looks. Her friends will start talking diets. For better or for worse. Meanwhile cook healthy. You go to exercise for yourself, and maybe it'll motivate her by seeing how good you feel. Treat yourself well,. so she learns to treat herself well.

amother

Sun, Jan 30 2022, 1:31 am

Thank you everyone for support and validation.

Things are calmer again but I know it is until the next blowup. I am trying to reach out to a therapist.

I am looking into this system you recommendes but haven't discovered yet what skills she is lacking.

I feel she is just passive aggressive. She said out right she doesn't want this, I said no, so now she just sabotages it or uses it as a pretext for exclusive time with me (which I don't mind when it fits).

amother

Sun, Jan 30 2022, 1:35 am

amother [ Molasses ] wrote:

This got me wondering whose rigidity is meant here, mine or hers. Because there definitely are both.

Jewishmom8

Sun, Jan 30 2022, 1:56 am

amother [ Nemesia ] wrote:

OP I have a dd very much like this, since birth. She is an adult. Does not communicate well. You need to talk to someone to make space in your heart and mind for this relationship. Her personality will not change.

this
I now have an adult daughter like this.
we sent to every type of therapist. parenting classes. I own the book the explosive child. we did it all. I went to a really great therapist myself eventually just to give me the tool to cope with her unwillingness to change and to reduce her impact of chaos on the family.
I think you for sure should get yourself help to stay emotionally calm and not get so thrown by her confrontations.
I wanted to also send you big hugs op. Kids like this are super draining and difficult. It takes a tremendous toll and many people do not understand what its like. keep davening.
Heart

annalee

Wed, Feb 02 2022, 12:25 pm

amother [ Lilac ] wrote:

You want to move forward.

Try the following: make more noise about positive behavior than negative behavior. So when she helps you, make a huge deal out of it. When she makes issues, ignore her. Compliment her whenever possible.

The next important thing is not to get drawn in. Her being sad or not wanting to do things is nothing to do with you. Her being lazy is not your fault. Focus on seeing her from outside you not as part of yourself.

There are a couple of worrying comments you made: you had a baby because she wanted one? That's not right. It's going way too far. She shouldn't have been a cheshbon in that decision.

Also, things are smoother because you give in. That's not right. Children need their parents to set boundaries. When you set clear boundaries, she'll be happier. She might scream at the beginning but she'll be calmer. Choose two specific rules that you are going to insist on. And don't ever give in on those rules. She needs to feel that you are strong. She is pushing and pushing to see how far she can push. If you stand firm, she'll stop pushing. It might take time until she realizes that you've changed but it will come.

This! She’s walking all over you! And she knows she can get you to drive her because you’re the one who wants her to go!

#BestBubby

Wed, Feb 02 2022, 12:36 pm

OP, I think you handled this OK.

Don't give in to DD's unreasonable requests.

It is more important that DD realize she cannot tantrum to get her way than that she goes to sports.

But you have to make peace with the fact that DD has a difficult nature and is not likely to change.

This is not your fault or your parenting.

It is not DD's fault either.

This is how Hashem created DD.

amother

Molasses

Wed, Feb 02 2022, 12:40 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

This got me wondering whose rigidity is meant here, mine or hers. Because there definitely are both.

I meant hers. But you share genes so it makes sense you’re butting heads. It just helps to know where it’s coming from, they aren’t trying to be difficult, they are stuck and afraid but can’t articulate that

ora_43

Wed, Feb 02 2022, 12:49 pm

First of all, sleep. I know right now it feels like everything has always been this bad and being postpartum has nothing to do with it, but - sometimes that's true, and sometimes that's just your exhausted brain being exhausted.

Second, 12 is a really really hard age. For kids and parents alike.

Third - part of what's hard about age 12-15 or so is the things that were once your responsibilities, are becoming her responsibilities. She's going to be taking over responsibility for things like when she showers, what she eats, how she dresses, when and where she meets up with friends, what activities she does. It kind of feels like you want to choose what she does, and also want her to be mature about it. But maturity and choice go together. In other words - if she's old enough to get there alone, she's old enough to decide whether or not to do the class in the first place.

And vice versa, if she's young enough that she needs you to be responsible for her exercise, she's young enough to need your help getting there. She might genuinely be incapable of doing this herself. Most 12-year-olds could take a bus to a class, but definitely not all. (I have kids who needed more supervision than that, at that age.)