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Dd friend said don't want to play cuz of parents

 
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jan 26 2022, 9:13 pm
So, my 11 DD has been trying unsuccessfully to make a playdate with a particular girl in her class. For different reasons, some definitely valid, others deliberately vague, the girl has turned my dd down. Finally my dd asked why don't you want to come? Friend said it's awkward to go to your house. My dd couldn't continue the conversation cuz class started, then forgot about it. When she came home she told me about it. I suggested she ask her friend for more info, why it's awkward. I really had no clue. I think this friend came to our house one time about five years ago! An afternoon playdate that from what I remember went fine, but it was so long ago, not sure.
So, she asked. Her friend said I don't want to go to your house cuz of your parents. (Myself and husband)... My dd said the conversation didn't continue afterwards, I'm not clear why.

Anyway- I've no idea why this girl feels this way! My dd has been frustrated trying to have her come over, now this... I've absolutely nothing to do with her. Probably haven't seen her in a good few years, even in passing. Family doesn't live so close by. Very different family background. We are definitely not as yeshivish as them. But I have no negative feelings towards her or her family. I really barely know them!
Pretty sure my husband is in the same boat as me.

Any thoughts? What to say to my dd to help her proceed, if she should even try?
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amother




DarkPurple
 

Post Wed, Jan 26 2022, 9:32 pm
She should try finding out what about you is problem. Because maybe it’s a misunderstanding and it can be rectified and they can move on and have play dates.
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bluebird




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jan 26 2022, 9:36 pm
I'd be careful here, because you risk putting your daughter in the middle of a (apparent) conflict between you and her friend. That is very uncomfortable for them both. Can you talk to the girl's parents directly? I wonder if this is actually the friend's parents issue, not her own.
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amother




Azure
 

Post Wed, Jan 26 2022, 9:46 pm
If you push to find out what the problem is, you might be upset with the response. Personally I think life is too short for friends like that, but I know kids feel differently. If they want to stay friends then I'd just accept that there won't be playdates at your house. Who knows what her parents' mishegas is.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jan 26 2022, 10:29 pm
I'm assuming if she does pursue it and ask I won't like the answer. Because I'm human. But also, I most likely won't let it bother me for long. I generally don't think about what others think of me. Especially a child. However, I don't want it inhibiting my dd's attempt at being sociable. She struggles in this area.

Thing is, I've no clue what to say to the mom if I called her. We have zero connection. Seriously. I know what she looks like and sounds like but that's it.

And regarding no playdates at my house- My dd doesn't want to go to her friend's house either! But her reason is more understandable to me because this girl's sis is her teacher...
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Flip Flops




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jan 26 2022, 10:32 pm
Why does she need to hang out with this particular girl? Is she good friends with her in school?
I would just move on and not make a big deal out of it. Why chase after this one friend? Invite someone else over.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jan 26 2022, 10:42 pm
Flip Flops wrote:
Why does she need to hang out with this particular girl? Is she good friends with her in school?
I would just move on and not make a big deal out of it. Why chase after this one friend? Invite someone else over.


She likes her, I assume... I don't think my dd is good friends with anyone. She's really trying to get to that place. We discussed reaching out to girls that she likes and thinks would be a good friend. There is one other that she has BH connected with a little. But dd would still like to see if anyone else wants to be friends too.
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amother




Lightgray
 

Post Wed, Jan 26 2022, 11:16 pm
If the girl doesn’t want to come, I wouldn’t push it or make big deal out of it. If dd keeps asking her after she already said no, she seems desperate and might ruin the friendship more. It would sound to me that the girl meant that it’s because her parents don’t let and your daughter misunderstand.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jan 26 2022, 11:20 pm
amother [ Lightgray ] wrote:
If the girl doesn’t want to come, I wouldn’t push it or make big deal out of it. If dd keeps asking her after she already said no, she seems desperate and might ruin the friendship more. It would sound to me that the girl meant that it’s because her parents don’t let and your daughter misunderstand.

I think I won't push it, not my type anyway. I just feel bad for my dd. Although it's always possible my dd misunderstood, the way the conversation was told over to me definitely sounded as if her friend answered the question of "why is it awkward" with "your parents".
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amother




Chocolate
 

Post Wed, Jan 26 2022, 11:23 pm
could it possibly be your dh quite friendly and that made her feel uncomfortable? just thinking...
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jan 26 2022, 11:26 pm
amother [ Chocolate ] wrote:
could it possibly be your dh quite friendly and that made her feel uncomfortable? just thinking...

I highly doubt he was even home that time five years ago. He is usually at work.
BH he is friendly with kids, so I guess it can be possible. And I'm a bit the opposite, so it could be that pushed her off- you got me thinking. Thanks!

Just to clarify, I mostly leave the kids alone doing there own thing and I do my own thing. So, not that I'm unfriendly per se, but not overly talkative for sure.
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amother




Butterscotch
 

Post Wed, Jan 26 2022, 11:36 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I highly doubt he was even home that time five years ago. He is usually at work.
BH he is friendly with kids, so I guess it can be possible. And I'm a bit the opposite, so it could be that pushed her off- you got me thinking. Thanks!

Just to clarify, I mostly leave the kids alone doing there own thing and I do my own thing. So, not that I'm unfriendly per se, but not overly talkative for sure.


OP don't start second guessing yourself. You will never know for sure what it is, so why torture yourself?
I don't know how old your dd is. I think you should let them be friends. it might come a point in time when they will be close enough that the friend will be comfortable sharing what the issue is.
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salt




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jan 30 2022, 4:31 am
If she's only 11, that means the last time she was at your house she was 6. I can't imagine something about you and DH made her uncomfortable then, that still makes it awkward for her to try and come round again.
I imagine it's more likely her parents telling her she can't comet to your house for some reason.
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yonabets




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jan 30 2022, 4:56 am
Maybe you are not enough "in ".
The frum world has a lot of do /don't and are not very open for" originality" and individualism,and little girls catch this very quickly.
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WhatFor




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jan 30 2022, 5:53 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:


And regarding no playdates at my house- My dd doesn't want to go to her friend's house either! But her reason is more understandable to me because this girl's sis is her teacher...


Did your DD tell her that? To me this whole thing would make total sense if she once invited your DD over and your DD said it would be awkward because of her sister. While it may make sense to you and DD, this girl could have felt offended and isolated, so when DD asked her the same, she replied with essentially the same response. I know there's a lot of speculation here, but this line stood out to me.
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amother




Oatmeal
 

Post Sun, Jan 30 2022, 7:22 am
Just to give another perspective, could be this child is scared to go to other peoples houses and is trying to say an excuse to cover it up. I have a child who is scared but in school you look at him and wouldn’t believe it. So when his friends ask him to come play he is always making excuses . You never know what this girl is feeling , so maybe don’t push it
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amother




Magenta
 

Post Sun, Jan 30 2022, 8:05 am
Is it only about coming to your house? Otherwise she is your daughter's good friend at school, and would meet up elsewhere? If so I wouldn't overthink it.
If she avoids your daughter everywhere, your daughter should stop trying to befriend her.
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