Specific questions to ask about Middos regarding Shidduchim

amother

Khaki

Tue, Feb 08 2022, 7:20 am

Think about what middos you want to know about.
My DS likes to know is she a leader type or more a follower. Is she spontaneous. Is she fun. Relaxed, easy going. Not too intense, philosophical or deep. Does she think of others, sensitive.

But this is not necessarily what you care about.

amother

PlumPink

Tue, Feb 08 2022, 7:50 am

amother [ Khaki ] wrote:

Why is that a good thing? Wouldn't you want someone deep?

amother

Khaki

Tue, Feb 08 2022, 8:06 am

amother [ PlumPink ] wrote:

Why is that a good thing? Wouldn't you want someone deep?

Maybe that's the wrong word, but no, my DS would find someone who is always looking for deep intellectual conversation very threatening, and they would probably find him boring or not intelligent enough.

amother

Babyblue

Tue, Feb 08 2022, 8:14 am

I think the commentator above wrote about personality specifics. Not sure if that’s what you meant but middos to me is very different than personality. A deep intellectual and a ditzy fun girl both can and should have good middos. A good question would be is she caring ? Is she involved in any chesed organizations ? Is she respectful to authority, older people etc. how does she get along with her peers , siblings ?

amother

Khaki

Wed, Feb 09 2022, 1:56 am

To me middot is characteristics, which is personality.
It includes everything that describes the character of the person - be it kind, caring, intelligent, lazy, funny, introvert, extrovert, etc.
Maybe because I'm in Israel and that's how I translate the word.

Maybe in English, personality is one thing and 'middos' is good personality traits bein adam lechavero.

But as OP says, 99% of girls will be described as having good middos, so I don't think that will tell you much.

amother

Purple

Wed, Feb 09 2022, 2:08 am

Some things are best learned from references, but others are best learned from meeting the person. Seeing how they respond in situations that come up in dating (getting lost, dealing with a waiter, showing consideration, etc.) will tell you a lot about their middos.

One of the things that led me to marry DH was seeing how he stopped for a beggar on the side of the road and gave him a dollar.

You can ask how they respond when they get angry, and can find out what kind of friend she is.

my mama

Wed, Feb 09 2022, 2:11 am

How does she/he react when they get angry/after having their buttons pushed?

If they dormed or went to camp , how did they live with others? Did they do their fair share or allowed others to pick up the slack.
Were they respectful of others belongings and personal space?
What tickles their funny bone? Do they like cruel pranks?

amother

Purple

Wed, Feb 09 2022, 2:12 am

my mama wrote:

I doubt anyone would answer honestly, "She's a lazy girl and never did her chores in camp. She sits on others' beds without permission and destroys things when she borrows them. She likes cruel pranks and often makes others cry."

I think it's important to ask questions in a way that doesn't imply a right or wrong answer. Most people don't want to sabotage another's shidduchim.

essie14

Wed, Feb 09 2022, 2:58 am

amother [ Purple ] wrote:

Agree. One thing that really impressed me when I was dating DH was that he always got me water without me asking. If we stopped for gas, he came back with water bottles. If we were in a restaurant he asked for a pitcher of water and poured me a glass right away. It was a small thing that just showed that he cared about ME. No reference would have been able to tell me that because no one saw him in a dating situation. Yes, he's nice to everyone and people told me that, but no reference is going to tell you that a guy isn't nice.
IMO this checking out business is way out of hand. Only the 2 people can decide if the person opposite them on a date is for them.
All references will say "she has great middot", "he's such a nice guy"

I dated plenty of jerks about whom I was told "he's a great guy"
Their personality was apparent by the 2nd date at the latest. Usually on the first date.

amother

Wed, Feb 09 2022, 7:59 am

amother [ Purple ] wrote:

Can you give examples how to ask questions?

Pandabeer

Wed, Feb 09 2022, 8:28 am

Ask them to be specific - let's say reference says she's a has a heart of gold so ask what does golden heart mean, give me an example of her actions that show it.
What is her strongest middos, what does she bring to the friendship....