Naming after someone with a difficult life

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Forum -> Pregnancy & Childbirth -> Baby Names

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amother

Sun, Feb 13 2022, 9:29 pm

Difficulty with physical, mental, emotional health, hard upbringing, kids with struggles, etc.
Would you name? I feel so uncomfortable with it

amother

Celeste

Sun, Feb 13 2022, 9:30 pm

Ask your rav. Sometimes they say to add a name

amother

Lily

Sun, Feb 13 2022, 9:33 pm

amother

Brass

Sun, Feb 13 2022, 9:34 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Difficulty with physical, mental, emotional health, hard upbringing, kids with struggles, etc.
Would you name? I feel so uncomfortable with it

We asked our Rav this about naming after dh's father who was sick several times, didn't have the best marriage and other issues but whom dh loved dearly. He said you name after the good qualities of the person.
However, my grandmother was an only child of holocaust survivors and had untreated mental illness all her life- literally no one could stand being around her and all her kids have issues because of her. I would not be able to name after her just because there are no pleasant memories of her.
I guess you have to ask yourself if there were good times and memories of that person, and does that outweigh the negative aspects?

amother

Viola

Sun, Feb 13 2022, 9:37 pm

I added a name. the person likely saved my father's life. she has noone named after her, her lineage pretty much ended, I wanted to remember her but also didn't feel comfortable just naming after so we added the name bracha to the name. My daughter is a strong personality with a clear sense of right and wrong but I'm hoping she'll have an easier life.

happy chick

Sun, Feb 13 2022, 9:41 pm

I'd you're not comfortable with it, don't do it. But if you feel like you should, add a name that has meaning.

amother

DarkCyan

Sun, Feb 13 2022, 9:49 pm

Dh lost one of his parents at a young age and none of his siblings have added or changed the name. I’m so grateful we haven’t had that gender since because it feels so wrong to me that way.
If we ever do have that gender I plan on finding a Rav who’s psak I will feel comfortable with. It will devastate dh if the Rav says we need to add or change but I’m not just ok doing it without that haskama.

amother

Viola

Sun, Feb 13 2022, 9:55 pm

my father died when he was around 63. I remember when my oldest brother had his oldest son it was a question if he would add a name or not. I remember going to the bris waiting to hear if they added. I was so relieved that they didn't. don't even remember why it was important to my junior high self but it was.

amother

Brass

Sun, Feb 13 2022, 10:08 pm

amother [ DarkCyan ] wrote:

Dh also lost his father young. Our Rav sent a shaila to R' Chaim Kanievsky asking if we needed to add a name. He said not unless it's a (forgot the term-meis mehsuna maybe?) like a sudden tragic car accident. Dh's father was sick. But ask your Rav.

amother

DarkCyan

Sun, Feb 13 2022, 10:36 pm

amother [ Brass ] wrote:

It’s not just dying young this parent had a lot of challenges and illnesses their whole life. I wouldn’t be comfortable without a psak specific to this situation.

amother

Camellia

Sun, Feb 13 2022, 10:51 pm

I named after my grandfather who had a very very painful and difficult life. He was a very special person so I didn’t really think about the difficulty aspects.

amother

NeonPurple

Sun, Feb 13 2022, 10:51 pm

You should ask a irl shaila. Adding a name is good to change the mazal so then you would not worry. People add names sometimes for much less reason.

amother

Sage

Sun, Feb 13 2022, 11:40 pm

I was told to have in mind someone else with the same name who lived a long life and/or was a great tzaddik. For example, if the person with the difficult life was Moshe, have in mind R' Moshe Feinstein.

#BestBubby

Sun, Feb 13 2022, 11:45 pm

I was named after an aunt who died as a child in the Holocaust.

My parents added a second name of a great-grandmother who lived long.

agreer

Mon, Feb 14 2022, 12:15 am

amother [ Brass ] wrote:

I once heard that after a parent, you don't need to add a name, even if they died young.

amother

Clear

Mon, Feb 14 2022, 5:17 am

We did, and added a name.

amother

Steelblue

Mon, Feb 14 2022, 5:34 am

Is that really an inyan, to worry that the problems and death of a family member are somehow "inheritable" via the name? I have only seen this on imamother.
We named one child after dh's great-uncle who had a challenging life, was a p.o.w. in Japan during WW2, had a wife who developed a serious psychiatric illness and he never had children. He had also a great personality, was everyone's favorite uncle and great-uncle and had a heart of gold. It never even occurred to us that there might be an issue. Like, should we fear now that our son c"v mirror-images that and becomes one day a p.o.w., marries a woman with psychiatric illness and will have no children? How and why would that be "transmissible"? I don't think it works like that. What happened to bechirah?

Or, like, I'm a bad housewife (really), irritable, clumsy and disorganized. If c"v I ever meet my fate in a tragic potato peeling accident, would that mean nobody can be named after me because of my challenges and early demise?

amother

Bellflower

Mon, Feb 14 2022, 6:06 am

Avraham Avinu and David Hamelech had hard lives. They also had extraordinary virtues. Very few people get through life without challenges. I think most parents want their children to rise to whatever challenges life throws their way.

amother

Snow

Mon, Feb 14 2022, 6:18 am

Can you flip it? Have a different first name and use the commemorative name second?

amother

Saddlebrown

Mon, Feb 14 2022, 6:19 am

I was named after an aunt who was murdered in a concentration camp because she didn't pass selection because she was pregnant, at the age of 22. No added name. Just her name.

I'm 48, have many children, one grandchild BH KAH and live a happy life and have a happy marriage and live in absolute peace.

If you want to give the name, give it. You're honoring the person and helping elevate their neshoma and giving your kid their positive attributes. Your kid will not face their nisyonos.

If you don't want to give the name, don't

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