Do I tell dc that their father had an emotional affair?

amother

Sun, Mar 06 2022, 2:23 am

We got divorced several years ago. And his affair was defenetly one of the reasons, but I covered up for him at the time when the rumor was going around about it and official reason for divorce was a different one.
Is it advisable to inform dc about it so they should know what he's capable off as they are beginning to see who he really is abd what I have been through? The reason I feel betrayed and why I want as little to do with him, which they can't understand.

What do you think, as a spouse, x spouse or a child of such a parent.

amother

Peach

Sun, Mar 06 2022, 2:29 am

No.

He is still their father.

It seems that you are trying to alienate them from him.

They will figure it out eventually.

Parents should not involve their children, even if said childen are adults, in their disputes.

amother

Cerise

Sun, Mar 06 2022, 3:11 am

amother [ Peach ] wrote:

Not necessarily. OP is a person, and this isn't coming out of nowhere. She said her children don't understand.

Also, OP - if you decide now isn't the right time (age-appropriateness etc) - you can always do it at a later stage, it's not all or nothing. But I understand your wish to be heard!

amother

Zinnia

Sun, Mar 06 2022, 3:24 am

My child was very young when I divorced her father. It is now many, many years later and I have never said anything about the real reasons which included emotional affairs, partying as if he were single, addictions, live [filth] shows, diagnosed mental illness and asking me for a divorce every month and then changing his mind. Whenever I used to express annoyance for anything little like his being late (perpetual extreme lateness) she would get tense and in general asked me not to talk about him. So I never did. But over the years she would say little things to me indicating she had info from her dad, incorrect info, crazy info like thinking I'm the one asking for certain provisions in our divorce agreement rather than her father's insistence. I ignored it. But it eats at me. I keep thinking that the next time I see her I'll have a small talk with her about her misconceptions.
But I'm not sure I should. It's probably not a good idea. Especially, for you, while the children are young. My child is not young anymore.

amother

Lightgreen

Sun, Mar 06 2022, 3:43 am

DH is very glad that there is some family information he didn't learn until he was an older teen/adult.

The in-between years must have been very difficult for the parent who said nothing..but today he's very close to the parent who always took the high road and did everything for him.

The other parent has long since revealed what their true nature is.

From watching his experiences, I would say that the information should be shared if it's relevant -- but only when the child has the age and maturity of an adult.

amother

Sun, Mar 06 2022, 4:30 am

amother [ Cerise ] wrote:

Thank you

Dc are young adults.
They are starting to see what he's like besides that he is always in victim mode (yes he was a victim years ago but seems to just be stuckin it) and I have had enough because I could call myself his victim too and I dont.

However I always like to take the high road.

So I don't know what to do.
Am I still protecting him, covering up by staying silent?

amother

Nasturtium

Sun, Mar 06 2022, 7:06 am

I got divorced before my son was born for abuse related reasons. His father is no longer alive, but he has a good relationship with his grandparents and other relatives. I feel zero need to inform my son what caused our marriage breakdown. I told him we were in incompatible. It really isn’t my kid’s problem or business.

amother

Tuberose

Sun, Mar 06 2022, 7:17 am

I'm divorced due to a very similar issue. My kids were 5 and 1 at the time. They're older now but not full adults. I don't plan on ever telling them the "why" although I see the older onr starting to figure it out.
If they come to me with the questions, I'll figure out a way to tell them the least possible while satisfying them.

amother

Sage

Sun, Mar 06 2022, 8:06 am

[quote="amother [ OP ]"Is it advisable to inform dc about it so they should know what he's capable off as they are beginning to see who he really is abd what I have been through? The reason I feel betrayed and why I want as little to do with him, which they can't understand.

What do you think, as a spouse, x spouse or a child of such a parent.[/quote]

this is a very slippery slope. Your children are not your close friends. An affair is irrelevant to them in the context of "what he's capable of". They don't need to understand all the reasons beyond why you feel betrayed and want limited interaction with him.

Sadly parents sometimes pull their children in and their kids suffer. They feel stuck between parents, mediating and struggling to find their proper role and find peace. Don't do this to your children.

When they grow older, they will understand more about the complex reasons relationships end. They may or may not figure things out with what happened between you and your ex, but that's ok. They don't need to know.

amother

Pansy

Sun, Mar 06 2022, 8:14 am

No.
Take the high road.
Refuse to engage in discussing it.
Refocus on your relationship with the kids if asked.
Even adult kids do not really want to know. And it is not their business. Or really anyone's except for the two involved.
If told misinformation you can say something indicating that while this is not true you are not going to get sucked into a tit for tat or debate or he said she said tangle and say you hope child (even adult children) is happy and healthy and knows both parents love them and/or has a healthy relationship with them. Speak to their inner wounded child. This pays off here on earth and in shomayim imho. Not always easy. Don't cover and do validate their experience. However, don't add fuel to the fire. Don't take the bait and just lightly be like "hm he said that?" Refocus the conversation in a healthy way. You don't have to put the kids in the middle or defend yourself. Action speak louder than words.
hugs and hatzlocha

amother

Fuchsia

Sun, Mar 06 2022, 9:01 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I knew that my father had an emotional affair when I was in ninth grade and my parents were not getting along (they are still married with things better). Oh, and I met this lady. That's howni knew about it. My father stupidly told his kids. I am still disgusted by this till today and that was what made me lose a lot of respect for him (I used to be a daddy's girl and that went out the window at that point). I have never told this to dh or a therapist but I will share it here because it's important. You're kids are smart enough to pick up their father's issues and will naturally gravitate towards you if/when they lose some respect for him. By you telling them about the affair, doesn't do anything and makes it worse. Let them come to their own conclusions about him.

amother

Tan

Sun, Mar 06 2022, 9:11 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Am I still protecting him, covering up by staying silent?

You’re not doing anything for him. Whatever decision you make is out of consideration for what’s best for the kids. He doesn’t come into the equation at all.

amother

Pansy

Sun, Mar 06 2022, 9:15 am

Staying silent is protecting your children not enabling your ex. Can be super confusing. You sound like an amazing mother! Your kids are lucky to have you. One healthy parent can make all the difference for kids.
hugs and hatzlocha

amother

Ecru

Sun, Mar 06 2022, 9:20 am

amother [ Nasturtium ] wrote:

Im sorry for what you went through but your case has nothing to do with the discussion at hand.

Your ex is not alive and out of the picture in all ways.

Different topic completely.

amother

Mon, Mar 07 2022, 2:38 pm

amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:

Sorry for what you have been through.

Yes, I guess, as they are picking up things already and do not respect him for all he does.....

amother

Maize

Mon, Mar 07 2022, 3:47 pm

I never spoke about this go anyone, and having difficulty typing this out. My parents divorced when I was a baby. I always knew my father was "bad", though only figured out later on more details. Its not an easy place to be in. I have zero respect for my father, and unfortunately lost some respect for my mother as well. I'm not sure if her attitude about my father is the main reason (it probably isn't- no one is perfect) but it for sure has not enhanced our relationship. I know she went through a lot, and feel bad for her, but unfortunately I don't think she should have made him look so bad to me.

amother

Cappuccino

Mon, Mar 07 2022, 6:43 pm

amother [ Zinnia ] wrote:

But over the years she would say little things to me indicating she had info from her dad, incorrect info, crazy info like thinking I'm the one asking for certain provisions in our divorce agreement rather than her father's insistence. I ignored it. But it eats at me. I keep thinking that the next time I see her I'll have a small talk with her about her misconceptions.
But I'm not sure I should. It's probably not a good idea. Especially, for you, while the children are young. My child is not young anymore.

We should never speak against a child's father even if divorced.

Still, if they come tell us an untruth that their father spoke against us than IMHO it's crucial to tell the child right away that it's totally false.

We must take steps against alienation when needed.

amother

Cappuccino

Mon, Mar 07 2022, 6:49 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

If your kids are older than I would still not tell them the reason outright. I would rather during regular conversations mention that parents divorce for many reasons and may never tell anyone why it really happened. Then you can maybe mention a few random reasons including your reason.