Boys who fly to other cities: attn moms

amother

Skyblue

Mon, Mar 07 2022, 11:59 am

I don’t send my son.

But honestly that is on the yeshiva that is flying them out.
My parents were 100% not happy when my brothers went. The yeshiva handled it every step. My parents were not really involved.
It’s not something I’d want my sons to do
If they went I’d assume it’s the yeshivas job to thank or gift the hosts.
Of course I would tell my sons to show appreciation.
But it’s the yeshiva you are doing a favor for - not the parents.

amother

Sunflower

Mon, Mar 07 2022, 12:14 pm

I do send a hostess gift with my son, both for the place he is staying and where he is eating seudah, if it's a different place. Regardless of the reason he is going, they are still hosting/feeding him and it is appropriate to show hakaras hatov.

I do not usually know where he is staying before he gets there, but I do have him call me and tell me where he is.

imorethanamother

Mon, Mar 07 2022, 2:12 pm

I just want to say that I am done. I am refusing to host boys. I have been asked year after year. I clean up after your son’s vomit and I am never thanked. Your boys are messy and I have never seen one thank me. Not the yeshiva not the boy not the parent no one. You know what I get? The kids turn around and start haggling me and my husband to donate to the yeshiva. Um, hello, you’re welcome for your free place to stay.

And I’m sure this year they’ll all stay for shabbos and again expect to be hosted.

All of you mothers should make it your business to find out where your son stayed and tell your son not to drink. If they won’t then keep them home. Take responsibility for your child. I’m tired of this.

I rarely get all upset about hosting but in this instance I think there should be a PSA letting you mothers know how your sons are behaving, and it’s frankly appalling.

amother

Alyssum

Mon, Mar 07 2022, 2:46 pm

imorethanamother wrote:

I never heard of this concept before.
But you are 100 percent right.
It’s so easy to say keep me out of this, its on the yeshiva,
For heavens sake its your child’s life!

Flying to other cities?! Insanity!

imorethanamother

Mon, Mar 07 2022, 2:57 pm

amother [ Alyssum ] wrote:

I think mothers have no idea. None whatsoever that their boys think Purim is an excuse to be obnoxious. It is not.

The boys that do not drink act the best, but that’s not always saying much. But many have been cordial and not wild and they don’t throw up all over my sheets and the floor.

My favorite year was during Covid. Only local yeshivas collected. That’s how it should be.

imorethanamother

Mon, Mar 07 2022, 3:01 pm

NotInNJMommy wrote:

How old are these boys? Also, if this is effect a business trip, then between the yeshiva and the boys as adults/businessmen , they need to deal with their relationships. I would not get involved beyond suggesting/encouraging my son to think about such mature/mentschlich behavior.

Well then consider this your personal PSA that yeshivas take no responsibility to send hostess gifts (not that I want one but it’s the understanding that it is not their home they just left an utter pigsty and some acknowledgement of that) and they don’t send shabbos gifts and they don’t tell the boys not to drink. In fact they tell ONE boy not to drink or they hire some limo to shepherd these kids like kings around town.

They don’t call and thank the hosts. They don’t offer a de-personalized letter saying thank you for giving to our yeshiva in this small way. They don’t do anything and this attitude is absorbed by your sons. And by this hands off attitude moms have, it’s a wonder they’ll ever learn.

NotInNJMommy

Mon, Mar 07 2022, 3:03 pm

imorethanamother wrote:

I agree that they don't do it.

the solution isn't other people doing it.

The folks responsible for it need to take ownership or live with the consequences of it.

And the yeshiva has a business reason (above and beyond just being mentschen) to manage relationships with supporters, and young men need to figure out how to do their jobs.

It's not for the mommies to swoop in and solve. Mommies can make suggestions to their sons, but the young men and their hanhola, etc. need to man-up and be adult men and live with the consequences of their choices.

ETA my son doesn't do this and isn't part of a school that does this, so I'm not expecting anyone to be hosting my son and his peers for yeshiva fundraising.

amother

Bisque

Mon, Mar 07 2022, 3:18 pm

amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:

Wow and I get mad when the yeshivahs send home pushkas and prize booklets and turn the children in to shnorrers. I would be raging mad if my sons yeshiva expected him to go to another town, such chutzpah.

Yes me too!!
We should start a spin off
My husband saw my 10 yo collecting money in shul , he had no idea about it he was livid
He said it looked so bad

amother

Sunflower

Mon, Mar 07 2022, 3:23 pm

imorethanamother wrote:

As the mother of a yeshiva boy who has gone to another city to collect at the request of his yeshiva, I want to apologize for the way you have been treated. As I wrote above my son does bring a gift to the hosts, but I know not everyone does that and there really is no excuse. The only explanation I can think of is that the yeshiva assumes the bochur/parents are handling, the bochur is clueless, and as evidenced here, the mothers assume the yeshiva is handling and don't want anything to do with it. Yes, the yeshiva should write a thank you letter to the hosts, but how does that absolve the bochur and his parents from expressing their personal thank you as well? Both should be happening!

imorethanamother - Thank you for taking care of our boys!

amother

Blush

Wed, Mar 09 2022, 1:40 pm

Why do yeshivas do this?
Why do boys drink if they are under 21?!? Anyone who gives an underage kid any alcohol (besides parents) is committing a crime!!!
Last year my city was still practicing covid precautions. It was also the law here. Boys (because these were not adult men) were running around drunk, crazy, no masks, dancing with everyone, and were quite rude. I told a few nicely that locally we are still wearing masks and it is the law here. "Well it isn't in NY" (we arent in NY) and "we dont care" and "its purim!!"
Apparently covid knew to not infect anyone celebrating Purim.

I will never let my sons do this. These boys I see are regularly obnoxious, drunk, rude, dont follow the law, block streets.... the area is not all frum and it is a huge chillul Hashem.

amother

Skyblue

Wed, Mar 09 2022, 1:46 pm

In terms of kids collecting in general.

I don’t mind my kids collecting tzedakah. It’s actually a good middah. Not sure why it looks bad for a kid to collect tzedakah for a cause.

However I never allow them collect for prizes.
We discussed how can you collect for a starving child snd then take 30% for a high end prize. The entire thing stinks. (Also has to be done appropriately - like no standing in street)

One son is collecting for his yeshiva.
Another son for maatanos levyonim for a local family who is in need who will get the money on Purim.

I’m happy for my kids to do chessed. But not for the prizes.

amother

Skyblue

Wed, Mar 09 2022, 1:47 pm

imorethanamother wrote:

That is horrible.
I’m sorry you ever had to deal with that.

amother

Sunflower

Wed, Mar 09 2022, 1:49 pm

amother [ Blush ] wrote:

Please do not generalize - not all boys are rude and wild. My son's yeshiva did not go collecting last year due to COVID, but they did in past years and I understand why they do. It is a huge source of income for the yeshiva. For all those mothers who complain about the cost of tuition and are asking (and getting!) substantial discounts from yeshivas, how are they supposed to pay their bills without fundraising? As a mother who pays painstakingly for my son's reduced tuition, I support the yeshiva and my son's efforts to help bridge the gap by collecting on Purim.

amother

Blush

Wed, Mar 09 2022, 2:22 pm

amother [ Sunflower ] wrote:

Enough of them are rude and obnoxious that moms are posting about it. And my own experience spans multiple years with numerous yeshivos. If you arent here to watch your boys and how they and their class acts, maybe you dont know how they are on "vacation" here.
Fundraising is important but HOW they do it is crucial. Have an actual adult who is sober monitoring the situation. Make sure the boys are not drinking and are behaving appropriately. I dont need to see their vomit on the sidewalks. Or watch them stumble into the roads.