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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Help me with setting boundaries



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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Mar 10 2022, 7:17 pm
Please help me figure out what some options may be. My daughter is in high school and is trying to stay home to avoid facing consequences for something she did. I empathized with her, offered to help her come up with a plan, etc but I refused to agree to her staying home. Her response to me was to keep asking me what I was going to do if she stayed home. She kept going on that there's nothing I can do and I'm just telling her to do something that she anyhow wont do.

My question isnt about getting her to school or this specific situation. I am mostly confused as to what I can do to help her know and feel that there are boundaries in place that she cant step on. I believe that at this stage it's still important for her to have that sense of security.

If you dont believe that's the right way of looking at it how do you deal with a teenager who seems to be testing boundaries?
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amother
Taupe


 

Post Thu, Mar 10 2022, 7:34 pm
She's not planning to stay home forever, is she? You can make clear that you don't think this is the right idea, but I don't think you can keep her from staying in her own house. Where else do you want her to go, if she's not going to school? Will she hang out at the mall all day?

She's right that in this case, holding the line will backfire.

Teenagers need to push boundaries. It's like toddlers needing to climb. They need to figure out the world around them. You need to ask yourself whether the boundary you're setting up is arbitrary or truly for her protection. Rules for the sake of rules rarely work.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Mar 10 2022, 7:51 pm
I hear that. I'm just confused about dealing with teenagers.

I'm honestly not so worried if she does decide to stay home tomorrow and I can make it be okay for everyone. I am though concerned about the attitude and how I can help her.

Based on what you wrote she needs to be motivated to be in school, or anything else that comes up, in order to do it and I know that wont always be the case.
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amother
Taupe


 

Post Thu, Mar 10 2022, 7:58 pm
Nobody's motivated all the time, and we all do things we don't feel like doing. For teens, it helps to recognize their feelings. Think about it - teenagers don't like getting up in the morning, but the vast majority go to school every day. They understand what they have to do.

Assuming that your daughter's behavior is in the normal range (as in, she goes to school, eats, sleeps, hangs out with friends etc.) I wouldn't worry.

My youngest is 21, so I do have some experience here.
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amother
OP


 

Post Fri, Mar 11 2022, 3:38 am
Thanks amother taupe!
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