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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Purim
Anxiety when my husband drinks
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Mar 13 2022, 5:23 pm
Well the title says it all. Does anyone else get nervous on Purim seeing dh drink?
I’m married 19 years bh and I never get used to it. My father never drank and I dont have brothers so the whole concept was foreign to me. I think it’s bec dh normally is extremely stable and responsible ( bh bh bh bh I do NOT take it for granted. Being on here opened my eyes to how many woman suffer) so it’s so unnerving to see him lose control. He usually gets tipsy nothing crazy, I only remember 2 years him and my bil went a bit nuts ( vomiting, making a scene, my sil didn’t seem the least bit upset though.)
He tries to keep himself in check because we have a 17 year old Yeshiva bachur and he wants to be a role model. My stomach is in knots every year as the seudah is approaching….is this my problem to work out?
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amother
Outerspace


 

Post Sun, Mar 13 2022, 5:26 pm
I’m the same way. I grew up with bad experiences dealing with drunks, they would get loud and pretty mean.
Op I’m with you all the way on this. HUGS!


Last edited by amother on Sun, Mar 13 2022, 5:32 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Daisy


 

Post Sun, Mar 13 2022, 5:26 pm
If this is a once a year occurance, yes it is your issue to work out.
If this happens once a week it would be a different story.
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amother
Outerspace


 

Post Sun, Mar 13 2022, 5:55 pm
amother [ Daisy ] wrote:
If this is a once a year occurance, yes it is your issue to work out.
If this happens once a week it would be a different story.


Horrific things that happen one time a year can absolutely traumatize someone at any age in various degrees, some more, some less.

Please don’t minimize our pain.
Thanks.
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amother
Whitesmoke


 

Post Sun, Mar 13 2022, 6:03 pm
I'm with you, OP. It might be helpful to think about the last time it happened badly and how long ago it was. If he has been consistent since your so became a teen to not go overboard, and takes specific steps to make that happen, you can see those steps as him being in control even when he's a bit tipsy.

Because I agree and feel that my dh being out of control in any way, been tipsy and not fully himself and not necessarily noticing his behavior and how it affects others, is very scary. Any modicum of control I see, especially his refusing any further refills and sticking to it, helps.
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amother
Emerald


 

Post Sun, Mar 13 2022, 6:05 pm
amother [ Daisy ] wrote:
If this is a once a year occurance, yes it is your issue to work out.
If this happens once a week it would be a different story.


I'm sorry, I've seen drunk men do horrible things "once a year". It can cause shame to a wife and family for life.
(Peeing on the street, puking on the street or in houses, hugging and touching random women, roll on the ground, say awful things....) even for once a year, it's not a pretty sight.
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amother
Maple


 

Post Sun, Mar 13 2022, 6:08 pm
amother [ Daisy ] wrote:
If this is a once a year occurance, yes it is your issue to work out.
If this happens once a week it would be a different story.

I can't disagree enough. One isn't supposed to get roaring drunk, just a bit happy. One is not supposed to drink so much that he disgraces himself. Vomiting is disgracing himself. More so if he doesn't clean up after himself.

He doesn't have to wallow in the mud like a pig and soil himself. Frightening his wife and kids is disgusting enough.
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amother
Plum


 

Post Sun, Mar 13 2022, 6:27 pm
amother [ Emerald ] wrote:
I'm sorry, I've seen drunk men do horrible things "once a year". It can cause shame to a wife and family for life.
(Peeing on the street, puking on the street or in houses, hugging and touching random women, roll on the ground, say awful things....) even for once a year, it's not a pretty sight.


OP clearly said "He usually gets tipsy, nothing crazy".
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BrisketBoss




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 13 2022, 6:29 pm
amother [ Plum ] wrote:
OP clearly said "He usually gets tipsy, nothing crazy".


She also clearly said it's gone beyond that before. In other words every year she has to worry it will happen again.
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amother
Garnet


 

Post Sun, Mar 13 2022, 6:32 pm
amother [ Daisy ] wrote:
If this is a once a year occurance, yes it is your issue to work out.
If this happens once a week it would be a different story.


No it’s not her issue. Men should never drink so much that they lose control. It’s his issue.
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amother
Navyblue


 

Post Sun, Mar 13 2022, 6:36 pm
my father brother bh never drank

I dont allow my DH to drink more than 2-3 oz

thats it!

someone in my town advertised her father was killed on Purim from a drunk driver, and she is making a campaign of no drinking on Purim for no one

Many Mitzvos to fulfill, be good role models - no alcohol!
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amother
Molasses


 

Post Sun, Mar 13 2022, 6:37 pm
My DH does not drink at all during the year. For many years he didn't drink on purim because he knew it bothered me. The past 4 years he has been drinking and I really am not happy with it. He does not get ill, but he gets a little tipsy, then sleeps it off. To me thats not a fun Purim.
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amother
Daisy


 

Post Sun, Mar 13 2022, 6:37 pm
amother [ Outerspace ] wrote:
Horrific things that happen one time a year can absolutely traumatize someone at any age in various degrees, some more, some less.

Please don’t minimize our pain.
Thanks.


OP isn't writing that anything horrific is happening. Only that her father never drank.
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amother
Amaranthus


 

Post Sun, Mar 13 2022, 6:39 pm
Op, I totally get you. I once discussed it with my husband before Purim, and he told me that if it stresses me out so much he won’t drink. He didn’t and then I felt bad for giving him a miserable Purim... 🥲
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amother
Daisy


 

Post Sun, Mar 13 2022, 6:39 pm
amother [ Garnet ] wrote:
No it’s not her issue. Men should never drink so much that they lose control. It’s his issue.


It's her issue if she thinks she can control it.
She can't do anything about it, and she may as well let go.
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BrisketBoss




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 13 2022, 6:40 pm
amother [ Amaranthus ] wrote:
Op, I totally get you. I once discussed it with my husband before Purim, and he told me that if it stresses me out so much he won’t drink. He didn’t and then I felt bad for giving him a miserable Purim... 🥲


Wow. Something is pretty wrong with your Purim if you have to drink in order to keep misery at bay. I hope that is only your (misplaced) guilt speaking and it was not really a miserable Purim.
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amother
Garnet


 

Post Sun, Mar 13 2022, 6:43 pm
amother [ Daisy ] wrote:
It's her issue if she thinks she can control it.
She can't do anything about it, and she may as well let go.


She can speak to him. Marriage isn’t about control or about suffering through things. It’s about BOTH spouses caring about each other. For him to put his silly drinking above her feelings is selfish.
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amother
Amaranthus


 

Post Sun, Mar 13 2022, 6:46 pm
BrisketBoss wrote:
Wow. Something is pretty wrong with your Purim if you have to drink in order to keep misery at bay. I hope that is only your (misplaced) guilt speaking and it was not really a miserable Purim.


Bh our Purim happiness doesn’t depend on drinking. Sorry if it came across to literally. His family drinks a lot and they all get on a high, and he was constantly offered a drink which he kept declining. I’m sure he would’ve wanted to drink he just did it for me.
I guess I just totally get her anxiety is all I’m sayin g
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amother
Peony


 

Post Sun, Mar 13 2022, 6:53 pm
It’s definitely nerve wracking, but it’s just one day a year. Life is about stretching yourself a little past your comfort zone- see if you can do that for him. If it really really bothers you and you can’t handle it, see if he can do it for you.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Mar 13 2022, 6:57 pm
amother [ Maple ] wrote:
I can't disagree enough. One isn't supposed to get roaring drunk, just a bit happy. One is not supposed to drink so much that he disgraces himself. Vomiting is disgracing himself. More so if he doesn't clean up after himself.

He doesn't have to wallow in the mud like a pig and soil himself. Frightening his wife and kids is disgusting enough.

Right so one particular year he got out of hand and vomited in front of my kids; they were all pretty upset one of my daughters is super sensitive and I really think she was traumatized. He felt terrible after that night and he hasn’t gotten that way since. But he still drinks and I still have a pit in my stomach
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