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out-of-towner
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 Fri, Mar 18 2022, 9:34 am
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Seeing this thread inspired me to text two mothers of kids who we found MM at our door while we were out to thank them. I simply am not capable of getting to everyone on Purim, so I couldn't run around to reciprocate, especially since said DC is in a car seat and it's super hard to get in and out (DC is 5, but a small 5 year old). Trust me it's nothing personal, I just have a LOT to balance on Purim, and other kids with other needs (including one with SN who isn't in school and doesn't have friends and so I need to make sure that the day isn't all about their siblings social lives).
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Chayalle
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Fri, Mar 18 2022, 9:39 am
| amother [ Snow ] wrote: | | We actually almost did that this year. My daughter wanted to bring mm’s to a very unpopular girl. This girl is lacking social skills and has come over uninvited and wouldn’t leave even if we explained to her after a while that we needed to eat/ do homework/ shower etc- she would respond “I’ll wait”. According to dd people stay away from this girl and she doesn’t have friends. We drove to her house and dd was about to go out of the car. Suddenly she realized that it might look like she wanted to be her friend and dd was worried that by giving her mm’s, this girl would now think it’s okay to come over all the time. We drove away without giving 😐 |
I'm with mommy2b3c on this one. (and coming from mommy2b3c, whom I admire tremendously for her huge heart - how she's always ready to help someone in need....no surprises.) A lost opportunity. You can teach your DD to set boundaries with friendships, and that's okay. But I would encourage my DD in this type of thing. More than anything, I want my girls to learn to be kind and caring.
When my DD was in 8th grade, it was a "thing" to have a sleepover the night before their graduation trip. I had 4 beds in my basement, and DD had (still has - they are as close as ever) 2 best friends. The three of them decided to invite an unpopular girl to join them. She was so excited to be invited! When they went on the trip, DD's two friends sat together, so this girl was DD's "partner" for the whole trip. You know what? It was fine. DD learned some good lessons from this. And it didn't hurt her social status. I'm so proud of her (10 years later) that she developed this aspect, caring about other people. It's something that hasn't stopped.
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Chayalle
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Fri, Mar 18 2022, 9:41 am
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BTW do your kids make a whole bunch of mm and then sit back and wait for others to come to them? Why don't they reach out to others instead?
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mommy3b2c
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Fri, Mar 18 2022, 9:45 am
| amother [ Daffodil ] wrote: | | I disagree. Her daughter didn’t feel comfortable doing the chessed - it pushed her boundaries too much. Kudos to this mom for respecting that. |
This is just something people make to say themselves feel better . If you want to teach boundaries then the appropriate boundary is that when the girl says “I’ll wait till you finish your homework” you teach your daughter to say: “I’m sorry , but my mother doesn’t allow that.”
I’m so sad that people act mean for the sake of “boundaries.”
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out-of-towner
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Fri, Mar 18 2022, 9:55 am
| amother [ Whitesmoke ] wrote: | | what I've notice is that many "larger" families are less likely to chauffer their kids around to their kids friends. they are busy with teachers... we are a smaller family and the vast majority of people we went to. only a few families came to us. thankfully where we live everyone lives near each other. |
It's totally about the family dynamics, the community geography exc. I'm a young family, my oldest is 8 KAH. I host a Seuda in my house and need to have time to prepare for that. I don't allow my kids to walk more than a few houses down by themselves (some of my kids friends parents allow this, or they have older siblings to take them around). DH doesn't like or have time to take the kids around so it's 99% on me. I have zero intention of getting my kids to multiple neighborhoods to give MM to their classmates. I simply can't do it all. Nothing to do with how many friends my kids do or don't have. Everyone needs to be Dan Lkav Zechus.
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Chayalle
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Fri, Mar 18 2022, 10:02 am
| amother [ Snow ] wrote: | No, I don’t think I made a mistake. Many weeks on shabbos this girl comes over without being invited. It’s very hard for my daughter to have her over for hours and hours. Sometimes my daughter invited another friend and they are quietly playing when this girl shows up and the enjoyable afternoon is no longer enjoyable. She can stay for 6 hours, long after other friends left until I tell her straight out it’s time for her to go home. She answers me that she doesn’t want to walk home herself. We end up walking her even though she walked over to our house herself. (It’s a safe neighborhood and she is old enough to take the short walk alone) I’m talking about her staying here for 6+ hours and not being an enjoyable guest. The last few weeks she didn’t come. My daughter is right. This girl would be knocking on our door tomorrow afternoon and insist on what game to play, ask for dd to show her all the nosh, always asks if she can go upstairs to see the bedrooms even though we have a playroom we want friends to play in. She asks dd how old her parents are and on and on… she simply lack manners and social skills and pushes herself on my daughter.
I insist that my daughter be nice to her her and to everyone. I do not allow my children to be mean to anyone. It doesn’t have to be that she goes out of her way to do a nice thing if it would make her feel uncomfortable for many hours and days afterwards .
You have to understand the whole story before you judge. I think my daughter’s line of reasoning was correct. I’m proud of her for having good intentions. Yes, it would have been nice to bring something over but not if it will be interpreted as my my daughter offering to be her best friend from now on. |
So she comes over anyway. Giving her mm would not have changed that. It would just make her feel good.
You need to teach your DD boundaries with the friendship. No one should come over for 6 hours. When she comes, tell her you are so happy to see her, and she can stay till....(2 hours from when she arrived, max.) Let her know at the outset. I have taught my DD this in a certain situation. sometimes if "friend" comes at 2, we say we are going somewhere at 4, so glad you came till then. And house rules have to be respected - so sorry we don't take guests upstairs.
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acemom
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Fri, Mar 18 2022, 10:24 am
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | My son is very upset that not even one of his friends gave him shalach manos. We drove to 5 and none were home. He thought he would get at least one person who left at our door or came and no one did. |
People weren't home and probably weren't expecting any for their kids.
I usually ask the parents of the kids my children want to send to if they are planning to send too, to avoid disappointments.
My kids prepared for cousins, but I asked each sibling discreetly before handing out if they prepared anything for my kids. We meet up at my parents house.
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