Goal of mm | Imamother

amother

Thu, Mar 17 2022, 11:32 pm

Isn’t the goal of giving mm to cause a good feeling between ppl? We live ina. Close neighborhood where everyone gives each other mm. There’s one neighbor that somehow always forgets to give us. It just doesn’t happen . Her kids are running around giving but we x get year after year. No I x need her mm. But it’s weird and it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. Every fam goes around giving. To the others. I x know how many ppl x get from her but it feels like she c care. We are reAlly friendly and no money not an issue here. I can come up with 100 ways to be dlkz here but that’s not the point.

I def am not upset but it leaves me wondering about exclusion and how many ppl feel hurt or left out when they see others giving getting mm and are we defeating the purpose?

amother

Ecru

Thu, Mar 17 2022, 11:42 pm

One of the goals of doing the mitzvah is friendship and unity.

And I think OP is right that the pressure to give all of our friends means that certain people will be left out. Which does kind of defeat the purpose.

Possibly our recipients' list should be edited with the purpose in mind.

amother

Brown

Thu, Mar 17 2022, 11:50 pm

I was wondering. Do you think there was ever a time in history where it was the norm for people to give just one package of food ? Or was it always this way thay everyone gave to all of their friends and acquaintances?
Giving just one basket is no big deal. It becomes a massive pressure when we need to give a MM to everyone we would invite to our simcha, even if you don't make anything fancy. And yes, it can cause hurt feelings.

I remember I had a next door neighbor in my apartment building who we were very close to. I worked in the same school as her and our husbands were in the same Kollel. Our kids were always in and our of each others houses. I remember that most years she didn't give us MM. Not sure why. We would bring them but they didn't give us back.

amother

Peony

Thu, Mar 17 2022, 11:54 pm

Honestly I have no idea which of my neighbors my kids give to since they do all the deliveries. I know you said you don’t want any dlkz stories but maybe her kids mostly run to neighborhood kids their age or something. She may have no idea that you haven’t gotten any. So hard to keep track.

amother

Narcissus

Fri, Mar 18 2022, 8:59 am

We are connected to SO many people.
Just before the seudah I remembered that I needed to get to an older friend. Saying hello in person was really important. Then as I pulled up I realized I totally forgot about friends who live next door to her. (No, they didn't come to us because of some medical issues.)
This doesn't help OP but just saying hi means something. That's what I did for a friend who's in aveilus.

amother

Yellow

Fri, Mar 18 2022, 10:39 am

Just bring to them.

Every year there's someone I just don't get to, for whatever reason. But I'd be thrilled if they showed up at my door.

amother

Petunia

Fri, Mar 18 2022, 10:46 am

NOne of my good friends give me. Nor I them. I give 3 neighbors and my parents. Bh that’s it. MM is so out of hand IMO. I’m
Glad my friends and I are on the same page. It’s not a measure of our friendship

justforfun87

Fri, Mar 18 2022, 10:47 am

Do you give them? I find a lot of people are always like "well, this person didn't talk to me the WHOLE time." Meanwhile they never initiate conversation themselves. Maybe they are wondering why you don't give them?

amother

Fri, Mar 18 2022, 11:16 am

I personally oversaw my kids give everyone on our block and her kids are very good friends with mine It has nothing to do with this specific situation but I got me thinking about the greater question

amother

Vanilla

Fri, Mar 18 2022, 11:42 am

I think it is strange, but I doubt it's purposeful. There could be so many reasons you did not get one from her. Maybe her kids had an old list and it never got updated to include your name. Maybe whoever answered the door at her house was told not to give a shaloch manos back to someone who delivered to avoid giving out two to the same family, and then they never made it to your house. Either way, next year I would not leave it up to the kids and go yourself to deliver to your neighbor. If a kid answers the door, say you want to wish their mother A Freilechen Purim and give the shaloch manos to her yourself. If she doesn't give one back and doesn't say anything about it, then it would be weird. I would still let it go and in the spirit of Purim try not to be resentful.

amother

Wine

Fri, Mar 18 2022, 11:47 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I personally oversaw my kids give everyone on our block and her kids are very good friends with mine It has nothing to do with this specific situation but I got me thinking about the greater question

Did your kids give them?