DH does not go along the same chinuch model wwyd

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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling

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amother

Tue, Mar 29 2022, 6:25 am

I have a DD 5 who is an extremely challenging child. everything turns into a power struggle with her. After researching, reading, listening extensively, I now follow and try to implement the Good Inside - Dr Becky model ( which in a nutshell is that you validate the emotion/ feeling they are feeling, all feelings are allowed all behaviors are not) Bh I do see results that it limits the power struggles. It takes lots of time and sooo much patience.. Much easier to say get into the shower because I said so...

Anyway my DH sometimes says we dont do that she has to know she has to listen no matter what. And now I am quite upset I had a calm morning and then when it came to brushing hair she was giving a hard time then DH jumped in said you want to look like a shlump ye if you dont brush your hair youll look like a huge shlump. DD started crying I am not a shlump And I got very upset why resort to name calling??

What should I do, and how can I show DH the success of the good inside method, as opposed to the 'old' way of do what I say because I said so .....

amother

Babypink

Tue, Mar 29 2022, 6:37 am

Bring this up later in the day, and ask him “How did that work for you?”
“Would you want to be called a shlump?”

Name calling is not a chinuch method btw. It is a human failing.

amother

Tue, Mar 29 2022, 6:43 am

amother [ Babypink ] wrote:

Bring this up later in the day, and ask him “How did that work for you?”
“Would you want to be called a shlump?”

Name calling is not a chinuch method btw. It is a human failing.

I know.... thats what makes me so upset like show me a source of any chinuch rav or rebbi tht says you can do that.... and I know it is bec DD knows how to press buttons very well. But last time I did that DH said you first have to respect me then we can discuss you think you know it all abt chinuch. I said I dont know it all I am trying and I am not perfect but your mehalech does not accomplish anything and I dont see any source.. I am so upset....

amother

Cherry

Tue, Mar 29 2022, 6:51 am

Just continue modeling the method. Your husband will eventually catch on, if he has a healthy personality. He won't be perfect all the time, but hey, neither are we.
I know it's a struggle, going through this as well.
Good luck!

amother

Tue, Mar 29 2022, 6:58 am

amother [ Cherry ] wrote:

Thank you!! This means alot! Yes he does try and is an amazing DH and father and do it also and Im not perfect either...

amother

Ruby

Tue, Mar 29 2022, 6:59 am

Does he disagree with the model or just have a hard time implementing it consistently? If he's generally on board but sometimes (like during the morning rush) loses it, I wouldn't make a big deal. Just let him know later, when it's calm, that you think this method is working and you would like to stick with it.

amother

Tue, Mar 29 2022, 7:56 am

amother [ Ruby ] wrote:

He says theres nothing wrong with talking logic to a kid saying if you dont to this youll look like that or be that

amother

Clover

Tue, Mar 29 2022, 9:39 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

He says theres nothing wrong with talking logic to a kid saying if you dont to this youll look like that or be that

Would he be on board to talking logic in a positive way-instead of you'll be a shlump, you will look so much neater with your hair tied back, or isn't it better with your hair tied back, then we can see your beautiful face/easier to eat without hair getting in the way/see better etc?

It might help to consider studying a parenting course/book together so he can see the source and you can discuss hypothetical situations and what would make sense to do. You ideally want to think about times that are hard and problem solve them in advance so you are being pro-active, rather than acting reactively at the point in time. I know it's easier said than done. I'm forever thinking I'm too tired, won't deal with this now, and then regretting it in the morning.

BrisketBoss

Tue, Mar 29 2022, 9:42 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

He says theres nothing wrong with talking logic to a kid saying if you dont to this youll look like that or be that

Maybe if he puts himself in a child's shoes, he will be able to see that this sounds more like 'threat I don't have to listen to' than 'logic.' If he thinks he is just stating a natural consequence, remind him that those don't need to be stated. They just happen. If the child is disturbed by it, then they are. And if not, obviously his words aren't helpful.

Personal anecdote: My mother tried everything to convince me to brush my hair, even giving me a hand mirror to show how I looked. Nothing worked except going off to camp without her. That gave me the internal motivation--she was now off my case. She was not using nagging to make the brushing of my hair into her responsibility when really it was mine.

mha3484

Tue, Mar 29 2022, 9:47 am

Your husband is not completely wrong but there is a lot of nuance. I have an older child that needs a more explicit approach to some things. IE If you don't shower you will smell bad and no one will want to sit next to you. He wont understand it in the nicer way that Clover describes. But this works because I spent his earlier years really focusing on building our relationship so now at 11 if I have to be more blunt with him he is not offended because I set a foundation when he was little. I think there is a time and a place for some kids to be more direct but 5 years old is not it.

amother

Jasmine

Tue, Mar 29 2022, 9:52 am

There is a time and place for each method of parenting. If you'll all be late because of one child sometimes it's ok to say because I said so! I don't think your husband was name calling. It sounds like a logical approach. If you don't brush your hair then you'll look like a shlump. He didn't say she was. He said not making hair makes ppl look shlumpy. Very true. The key is if something works for you, that's great. You want to share your idea with your husband. That's also great. But could it be possible you are pushing it on him? He also loves his daughter and thinks his approach is a good one too. You need to first and foremost respect him and his approach even if you disagree. The discord on this matter is possibly worse for your daughter than the benefits of using your method. Be a unit. Focus on the 2 of you. Stop trying to micromanage your husband. If your method worked so amazingly well, he'll catch on eventually.

mha3484

Tue, Mar 29 2022, 9:53 am

If he would prefer to listen to a frum man, the menahel of my sons yeshiva was on a podcast last year talking about why expectations vs rules is a better method. A lot of what he says comes from Ross Greene and Collaborative Problem Solving which is really great for challenging kids. I have 3 of them I have been there done that and still in it.

https://www.chinuchshow.com/di.....ller/

#BestBubby

Tue, Mar 29 2022, 10:50 am

Say to DH "If I am IN CHARGE of getting DD ready for school, then I will do it
MY WAY and please do not "help me" or interfere."

If YOU (DH) are getting DD ready for school then you can do it your way.

And make sure that you (OP) are always in charge of DD 5.

Let DH help with the other easier kids.

#BestBubby

Tue, Mar 29 2022, 10:51 am

DH can use that approach in a more positive way:

"If you brush your hair you will look BEAUTIFUL and everyone will say how nice you look."

amother

Purple

Tue, Mar 29 2022, 10:52 am

#BestBubby wrote:

Sounds like a recipe for such beautiful shalom bayis and open loving communication

amother

Caramel

Tue, Mar 29 2022, 10:54 am

There’s a way to say things, brush your hair to look neat and presentable, not brush your hair or you’ll look like a shlump.

amother

Tue, Mar 29 2022, 6:07 pm

amother [ Jasmine ] wrote:

Just got back on here! Yes I greatly identify with what you have written amother jasmine. We had a follow convo DH and I and that was his greatest point he was upset at that I was undermining him in front of DD. He is 100% right and I am wrong 100% but how do I work on myself going forward?

I do understand DD more she gets more of the challenging behavior from my side of the family Wink

so I sometimes take a negative response to DD very strongly...

amother

Tue, Mar 29 2022, 6:08 pm

amother [ Purple ] wrote:

Sounds like a recipe for such beautiful shalom bayis and open loving communication

Yes, I am assuming you were being sarcastic here! I would not go down this path bh we do have great shalom bayis and work as a team and I appreciate that DH helps me in the morning, I just would like him to understand this mehalach more

amother

Tue, Mar 29 2022, 6:11 pm

mha3484 wrote:

Yes thank you! Would you by any chance have a printout of it?

amother

Cognac

Tue, Mar 29 2022, 6:23 pm

My husband was also like this. What happened was everyday he saw my confidence in my approach and my success and he mellowed. I also explained him a couple of times how it's not working. It's not perfect but it's just better.

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