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DH does not go along the same chinuch model wwyd
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ra_mom




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Mar 29 2022, 6:26 pm
amother [ Cherry ] wrote:
Just continue modeling the method. Your husband will eventually catch on, if he has a healthy personality. He won't be perfect all the time, but hey, neither are we.
I know it's a struggle, going through this as well.
Good luck!

This. Just concetrate on your relationship with your daughter. It will help her a lot. And as it's successful, at some point, you'll be surprised to see dh following suit. No expectations. Just work on your own individual relationship with dd.
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amother




Tanzanite
 

Post Tue, Mar 29 2022, 6:29 pm
I relate to this post so much. I find so many of these parenting classes and books are geared towards women and if not then I’m not sure how many frum husbands are making the time to read/listen to them. I find that it’s very difficult when I’ve learned a method that makes sense and I’m working on it but Dh hasn’t read/listened to the class. It’s very difficult for me to give it over and also I don’t want to be in a position to “teach” my dh how to parent it’s just not the ideal dynamic. He is very authoritative and feels the kids must listen at all costs no matter what and I don’t feel that parenting like that is effective long term. Sometimes he comes around but we are often butting heads about what the “right” way is…
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Mar 29 2022, 6:35 pm
amother [ Tanzanite ] wrote:
I relate to this post so much. I find so many of these parenting classes and books are geared towards women and if not then I’m not sure how many frum husbands are making the time to read/listen to them. I find that it’s very difficult when I’ve learned a method that makes sense and I’m working on it but Dh hasn’t read/listened to the class. It’s very difficult for me to give it over and also I don’t want to be in a position to “teach” my dh how to parent it’s just not the ideal dynamic. He is very authoritative and feels the kids must listen at all costs no matter what and I don’t feel that parenting like that is effective long term. Sometimes he comes around but we are often butting heads about what the “right” way is…



YES YES YES THIS EXACTLY!!
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amother




Jasmine
 

Post Tue, Mar 29 2022, 8:10 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Just got back on here! Yes I greatly identify with what you have written amother jasmine. We had a follow convo DH and I and that was his greatest point he was upset at that I was undermining him in front of DD. He is 100% right and I am wrong 100% but how do I work on myself going forward?

I do understand DD more she gets more of the challenging behavior from my side of the family Wink so I sometimes take a negative response to DD very strongly...



Firstly, talk to your husband with an open mind. Be ready to change your opinion! There is a skill to real listening which many of us fail at...(we think about our comeback before they even finish their sentences...iykwim Wink so REALLY listen!! Ask him how he thinks dealing with certain situations would look like for him. Run thru the negative reactions you anticipate. Again ask him how he would deal with it... if at any point he gets stuck you can say what do you think of this idea and present your angle...
I think men hate hearing about what rebbetzins and guru's said...so leave it out! Present it as your idea...
After a good conversation, I think you'll feel more respectful of him.
If you want to stay respectful of your husband you must be committed to that goal.
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amother




Bisque
 

Post Sat, Apr 02 2022, 7:08 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I have a DD 5 who is an extremely challenging child. everything turns into a power struggle with her. After researching, reading, listening extensively, I now follow and try to implement the Good Inside - Dr Becky model ( which in a nutshell is that you validate the emotion/ feeling they are feeling, all feelings are allowed all behaviors are not) Bh I do see results that it limits the power struggles. It takes lots of time and sooo much patience.. Much easier to say get into the shower because I said so...

Anyway my DH sometimes says we dont do that she has to know she has to listen no matter what. And now I am quite upset I had a calm morning and then when it came to brushing hair she was giving a hard time then DH jumped in said you want to look like a shlump ye if you dont brush your hair youll look like a huge shlump. DD started crying I am not a shlump And I got very upset why resort to name calling??

What should I do, and how can I show DH the success of the good inside method, as opposed to the 'old' way of do what I say because I said so .....



This method sounds just what I'm looking for? How are you following this method? Is there a book or something? Thanks!!
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amother




OP
 

Post Sat, Apr 02 2022, 7:26 pm
amother [ Bisque ] wrote:
This method sounds just what I'm looking for? How are you following this method? Is there a book or something? Thanks!!


I follow her on Instagram Dr becky Good Inside she also has podcasts I listen to. I am also in middle of reading the Nurtured Heart Approach book. It's a journey!!!
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Momafewx




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Apr 02 2022, 9:17 pm
amother [ Jasmine ] wrote:
There is a time and place for each method of parenting. If you'll all be late because of one child sometimes it's ok to say because I said so! I don't think your husband was name calling. It sounds like a logical approach. If you don't brush your hair then you'll look like a shlump. He didn't say she was. He said not making hair makes ppl look shlumpy. Very true. The key is if something works for you, that's great. You want to share your idea with your husband. That's also great. But could it be possible you are pushing it on him? He also loves his daughter and thinks his approach is a good one too. You need to first and foremost respect him and his approach even if you disagree. The discord on this matter is possibly worse for your daughter than the benefits of using your method. Be a unit. Focus on the 2 of you. Stop trying to micromanage your husband. If your method worked so amazingly well, he'll catch on eventually.


I LOVE what jasmine wrote. I came on to write the same thing.
I'll write out a few points that may help you with future issues:
A) Dr Becky is great!! That can be amazing to help your relationship with your daughter! Keep at it!
B) allow and encourage your husband to have his OWN individual relationship with his kids. They need THEIR father and the imput he gives. Hashem gave them that father on purpose. It may seem more harsh or different then you anticipate but this is their journey. Bh hashem gave each soul 2 parents to raise it. Allow your husband to do his part.
C) Try to find the value of what your husband is bringing to the table. Like in the example you brought, something like "Wow tatty cares that you look like a mentch!".
D) your daughter needs parents that love and support each other WAY MORE than she needs to be spoken to in the most perfect, modern parenting terms.
Your doing so well though. I'm so happy you liked what jasmine wrote and understood that your husband needs to be respected.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Apr 03 2022, 5:54 pm
Momafewx wrote:
I LOVE what jasmine wrote. I came on to write the same thing.
I'll write out a few points that may help you with future issues:
A) Dr Becky is great!! That can be amazing to help your relationship with your daughter! Keep at it!
B) allow and encourage your husband to have his OWN individual relationship with his kids. They need THEIR father and the imput he gives. Hashem gave them that father on purpose. It may seem more harsh or different then you anticipate but this is their journey. Bh hashem gave each soul 2 parents to raise it. Allow your husband to do his part.
C) Try to find the value of what your husband is bringing to the table. Like in the example you brought, something like "Wow tatty cares that you look like a mentch!".
D) your daughter needs parents that love and support each other WAY MORE than she needs to be spoken to in the most perfect, modern parenting terms.
Your doing so well though. I'm so happy you liked what jasmine wrote and understood that your husband needs to be respected.


Thank you Momafewx! All great important points. I really have to work on B & C and not be so single minded on the modern parenting like you said
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