Thoughts about Pesach magazines

amother

Begonia

Mon, Apr 18 2022, 3:25 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I was very touched Rachel Lavon's story "For Posterity" in the Calligraphy. Unrealistic as anything but still very touching.

The double take- the wife got me very angry. Her shitos in raising a blended family are really not the father's business.

Anyone else had any thoughts about any stories or articles?

IMHO the wife was right. Raising a blended family can be a challenge. When two of the ten kids get treats and sleep away camp you bet that sows jealousy and strife between siblings. And who his to deal with them problems of sibling jealously and resentment? The mother.
The mother is married to an avreich. They have ten kids. It goes without saying that money is tight. You can call it a shita. I call it make do and trying to raise a blended family where all the kids are treated equally.

amother

Mon, Apr 18 2022, 3:34 pm

amother [ Begonia ] wrote:

What about the father's right to give his kids what many friends have?
What about the children not being jealous of their father's kids experiences.
These kids don't only belong to the mother. No?

watergirl

Mon, Apr 18 2022, 3:38 pm

amother [ Begonia ] wrote:

I am assuming you are not part of a blended family.

I am, and I am here with my kids. My daughter goes with her dad and his family from time to time on amazing vacations. He sends her all kinds of clothing, and she went to overnight camp (we paid half). My step kids also went to overnight camp (we paid half). You know who didn't? The children I had with my husband - the "his" get special things. The "mine" do too. There is no money for the "ours". But you know what they do get that no one else does? A mother and a father, living in one home. One bed, never having to pack up and go. A whole, happy home. Predictability. Stability under one roof. Trust me when I tell you, all of the kids who get the camp, the ipods, the trip to Disney... they would trade it in a second to have those intangible things. Trust me, I know.

The chinuch of my children is on me and my husband. I can not control, nor would I attempt to, anything my daughter does with her father, and by Daas Torah, that includes things which are very hard for me to keep my mouth shut against. It was up to me to teach her without putting her father down, which I believe I was able to do.

The mother in this fictional story made the fictional choice to marry the fictional avreich, she knew she was getting a bunch of full time kids, her own kids, maybe would have more kids (she did), all on a shoe string budget. She has no right, morally, ethically, halachically, or legally, to impose her values or pocketbook onto her ex husband. This is true in fiction and in real life.

Divorce stinks. It can also be a life saver. If you have to get divorced and you have kids with him, you will be dealing with him for the rest of your life. And yes, it stinks. There is no fair. It is on you to make the best of the situation.

100

Ima_Shelli

Mon, Apr 18 2022, 3:51 pm

watergirl wrote:

So much this. The mom decided to remarry and have more kids and raise them on a shoestring budget. The ex did not. What he is giving them is unfortunately part of the expected normal frum childhood these days- American dream mall chol hamoed and sleep away camp with new wardrobe (and seminary down the line). None of these are necessarily outrageous excesses in our frum world, they are the norm for many people.

So many women have deadbeat exes who won’t even pay basic child support. She should be grateful for his support of their kids. No need to impose the austerity on them if their father can afford normal frum expenses. Not their fault that she decided to remarry into a life like this and they shouldn’t have to lose out as a result.

amother

Cappuccino

Mon, Apr 18 2022, 4:10 pm

amother [ Cerulean ] wrote:

Can't even imagine how much work went into producing the y"t magazines.. don't know how they did it. They were absolutely superb and had so, so, so much content. Truly grateful as they really enhanced my yom tov! Any editors and writers reading this- thank you..really truly hope you are getting some R&R!

Thats such a nice thing to say! I feel like the magazines get so much hate, too many ads, dumb stories, I threw mine out after one article bla bla bla...it's nice that someone notices the good.

amother

Begonia

Mon, Apr 18 2022, 5:27 pm

Ima_Shelli wrote:

What do you say to the step siblings who don't get the sleep away camps but would really like to go?

watergirl

Mon, Apr 18 2022, 5:32 pm

amother [ Begonia ] wrote:

What do you say to the step siblings who don't get the sleep away camps but would really like to go?

I tell my kids that I know it’s hard to see their (half)sister to and their half siblings (my steps) go, and I am sorry its hard for them, and I tell them we will have the best summer we can. And when my son was old enough to complain that “it’s not fair”, believe me my daughter explained it to him. And the next time, I explained the situation as well and as age appropriately as I could. And that was that.

The thing is, who said we are all supposed to get what you want and should do what we want? Yes it’s hard. I hear that. Still it does not mean that I have any say in any way shape or form in what their dad gets to do with them anymore than my husband has a say in what his ex does with the kids.

mha3484

Mon, Apr 18 2022, 5:33 pm

You tell them they have a different father and he paid for his children.

I grew up surrounded by a lot of money but my parents had none. We knew from an early age that our cousins had a different life. I knew from elementary school my aunts uncles and cousins lived on a majorly different standard then we did. They went on vacations we could never dream of. Owned houses and cars that my parents could never come close to. I was not jealous because I knew that my uncles barely saw their kids during the week. My father came home for dinner at 5:30 every day. My uncles saw their kids on the weekends. Kids can understand way more then we give them credit for if we talk to them openly.

Ima_Shelli

Mon, Apr 18 2022, 6:01 pm

amother [ Begonia ] wrote:

What do you say to the step siblings who don't get the sleep away camps but would really like to go?

What everyone said. And what do you say to the older kids if you’re not allowing them to go to sleep away camp or seminary that their father can pay for so their younger step sibs (your new family) won’t feel bad? You don’t think they’ll resent their younger sibs too? The difference is that their father can pay for it, you’re actively depriving them for the sake of your new family, and I just don’t think that’s fair to do to them on top of the divorce. Plus their other step sibs (their fathers new family) get these (not unreasonable) things too, so you’re just depriving them and causing resentment among the kids of divorce for the sake of your new family. I don’t think it’s fair at all.

watergirl

Mon, Apr 18 2022, 6:05 pm

Ima_Shelli wrote:

And I’ll add - the many years my step child lived with us and his mother promised him and his siblings overnight camp and she paid her half for them and refused a dime for him (to get back at us because he lived with us), I worked an extra summer job so he could go. And now, my kids want to go to day camp and we can’t afford it, my husband has summers off so he works at camp and they go for free.

If the fictional mother really wanted to make it work, she could have made it work, rather than try to control her ex. Which is what this is really about.

amother

Violet

Mon, Apr 18 2022, 7:01 pm

I think it was in Mishpacha, a letter from a woman whose son is married for 4 y, the shadchan said the machatunim father (girl's grandfather) will support them for 8y, he hasn't, and machatunim are supporting the couples who married after this daughter, but not this couple. The mother wanted to know if she can reach out to the shadchan to straighten it out now!! Beyond bizarre.
Ami had an interesting Question about going to grandparents' seder where the grandfather talks and talks, doesn't let anyone to put in their word, the Seder is very long and super boring, and teenage kids are refusing to go.

amother

Linen

Mon, Apr 18 2022, 7:08 pm

amother [ Begonia ] wrote:

But the father also has 3 kids with his new wife. So if he treats his two oldest kids like the mother treats her new kids, his oldest kids will be deprived compared to his younger kids.
The only way everyone can be equal is if the father raises all his kids, including with his new wife, at the level the mother wants to raise her kids, which I’m sure we can agree is ridiculous.

rainbow dash

Mon, Apr 18 2022, 7:21 pm

amother [ Violet ] wrote:

Really liked that story about the grandfathers peasch seder. Sorry but they are old enough to do their own seder. Noone is able to sit still and not say a word for hours and hours.

amother

Maize

Mon, Apr 18 2022, 7:22 pm

amother [ Begonia ] wrote:

What do you say to the step siblings who don't get the sleep away camps but would really like to go?

The same thing you say to kids who say that their friends/neighbors/cousins are going to camp, when you can’t afford to send them.

Also I went to camp as a mothers helper years ago for free. Not sure if the concept still exists. I was in a regular bunk but missed some activities every day to take care of a staff members kids. Worked for me.