Why is Ima mother biased towards DILs over MILS ????

amother

Cinnamon

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 8:06 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Oh please.
Are you saying that pesach is not difficult to host ?
The cleaning before, cooking, changing over ?

Just admit it.

The cleaning before maybe, not the cooking.
But the cleaning is also cathartic and necessary and we don't go nuts and I live in a small house. AND my husband does most of the cleaning. So for me it is 10000% times easier being a host than a guest. And yes, I've done both many times. This is my particular situation. And actually for most of mt friends its the same, we all host now. In our thirties. We're not a spoiled bunch and this is what works for me and my peers.
If you have lovely, super chilled, not fazed by anything parents or in laws that open their home graciously and let your kids be kids and provide all the right food, toys, and bedroom set up then I can understand why being a guest would be easier. Many people do NOT have that.
Was also taken to hotels for a few years- found that difficult as well btw. Read the hotel thread, its just hard going away with kids in a crazy loud dining room, without a kitchen to boil an egg, no snacks, no way to put a kid down to sleep then leave the hotel room etc etc etc etc.....
I love being home and I love hosting. Thats it.

amother

Cinnamon

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 8:13 am

amother [ Periwinkle ] wrote:

Some people find hosting very, very hard. You are lucky that you don’t.

B'H!
And some people find being a guest hard, where they are painted is evil spoiled brats on imamother when they're just trying to keep it together. Very Happy

True-some of them ARE spoiled brats. But it's also not so comfortable being a guest for some people. Compassion all around is the way to go.

amother

Oatmeal

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 8:15 am

I just told my mother I want to make pesach next year. I have 3 little kids and yes it's stressful to be a guest. At home I'll have to clean but I can also make the same chicken and potatoes for supper every night, have a kid friendly seder, not worry about who we're waking up at 7am and which toys weren't immediately picked up.
And I help out here plenty too.

amother

Cinnamon

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 8:17 am

amother [ Oatmeal ] wrote:

Yes. This. Thats when we stopped going to my parents- three kids. It's just too hard.
Try it next year, you'll love it!! It's so much more relaxed in your own home.

amother

Periwinkle

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 8:19 am

amother [ Cinnamon ] wrote:

B'H!
And some people find being a guest hard, where they are painted is evil spoiled brats on imamother when they're just trying to keep it together. Very Happy

True-some of them ARE spoiled brats. But it's also not so comfortable being a guest for some people. Compassion all around is the way to go.

But if you don’t like being a guest, don’t go. Why should someone slave away making food for you if you feel uncomfortable. Nobody wants uncomfortable guests in their home. If someone is so uncomfortable, they can go home and make their own food and host their own guests.

amother

Azure

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 8:20 am

amother [ Periwinkle ] wrote:

Perhaps because many MILs of the world actually WANT their children to be with them on Yom Tov? Who do you think extended the invitation?

amother

Cinnamon

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 8:22 am

amother [ Periwinkle ] wrote:

I don't.
But my parents would have been super insulted if I'd told that to them after being married a year. Parents put a lot of pressure on their kids to come home and join the family for Pesach, what do you mean, the whole family is going to be in etc. Not so simple for everyone to just say no. Long term ramifications for some.

imaima

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 8:29 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I don’t think that’s the norm
It’s way harder to be a guest ? Than the host ?

A host in your own home with adult children & their babies?

Maybe it’s hard for both. But not harder to be the guest.

It’s harder to be a guest with a bunch of little ones than host your own family with a bunch of little ones.
Last time I went away for pessach was with kids aged 4 and 2 and one on the way. Everything was fine but still I was stressed out enough about sleeping and naps. And no nap means for me that kids will be crying for the duration of the time tht they should have been sleeping but got woken up.

amother

Garnet

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 8:37 am

I think DIL these days expect perfection- the perfect bedroom, the perfect toys, a big playroom, food whenever they want, the ability to “chill” without getting up to serve etc. and when they don’t get that, they say it’s too stressful for them to come to parents.
I’m a DIL whose accommodations at my MIL suck but I make it work for those few days that I’m there. I bring my own toys and yes it’s stressful to keep the kids quiet but it’s only a for a few days. I’m 9 months pregnant and it’s not easy but I get up and serve and clear off just like everyone else.
DIL’s need to get off their high horse and not think they’re on vacation when they come to their in laws. I literally don’t get this mindset!!!

imaima

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 8:38 am

amother [ Azure ] wrote:

Perhaps because many MILs of the world actually WANT their children to be with them on Yom Tov? Who do you think extended the invitation?

True. For many people pessach/sukkos is when they take their vacation days anyway so if they live away, when will they see their families? This has to be those stressful times.

amother

Natural

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 8:44 am

amother [ Cinnamon ] wrote:

I love my mil- still, its an inherently difficult relationship by nature. It just IS. The mil's need to be the mature ones and recognize that their dil's have a lot on their plates, newlywed stage is tough, first pregnancies are tough, baby stage is tough etc etc. The Mil's are the ones who should have the wisdom to be kind, loving and understanding. And we should all be mom's who raise girls who are kind, helpful and loving dils. Amein.

Sorry, this is very one sided. I think this is a perspective that has blinders on to their own little world. MILs also have very much on their plate, high likely they have even more on their plate that the DILS can even fathom. They can be juggling teens, younger kids, married kids, parents, financial burdens, work, shidduchim, large household needs, all on top of the pesach workload. They're also not as young and fit as the 20 year olds, and its possible they have medical conditions to boot. For many, this middle age stage is more difficult than being a young mom with babies.

EVERYONE needs to understand and recognize that everyone else can have a lot on their plate as well. DILS too. Running with the assumption that the stage you're in has got to be the most difficult one, is a self-centered view.

causemommysaid

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 8:46 am

behappy2 wrote:

Imamother likes to play devil's advocate is all.

I think this is the real answer and it's not a nice thing to do at all. It hurts people's feelings. Playing Devils Advocate when someone is hurt, upset, tired, or whatever makes people avoid you and not be your friend in real life but no one cares about that on the internet.

Also, mothers in law just can't win. No matter what they do.

amother

Azure

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 8:49 am

amother [ Garnet ] wrote:

There is a big difference between "the perfect bedroom" and "a bedroom with enough room for my kids to sleep." A bedroom on the third floor where you can't hear the baby crying might mean that you need to stay upstairs for the duration of a nap or that you need to run up the stairs every few minutes to check on the baby. You honestly can't understand why some women find this extremely stressful, even if you are the type to take it in stride?

There is a big difference between "the perfect toys" and "no toys at all and if I find a single block on the floor I will be very upset." If there's nothing to keep the kids occupied, and I need to shlep toys with me (possibly on a flight where my luggage space is already limited), and since they're not used to toys they get very upset about the mess that toys make, it can be very difficult.

Just because you can manage this at 9 months pregnant and can power through your tiredness doesn't mean the same is true of everyone else.

And why on earth are you claiming that they are "on a high horse" and "think they're on vacation" when they are literally saying that they'd rather make their own Pesach?

amother

Yolk

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 8:54 am

amother [ Azure ] wrote:

Perhaps because many MILs of the world actually WANT their children to be with them on Yom Tov? Who do you think extended the invitation?

Yup this! My mother waited her whole life for the nachas of having her children and grandchildren for pesach. It’s of course difficult but the number one reason why I can’t just stay home is for my mother. Now she also makes it a pleasure to be here. Sure we help clean, set, wash dishes, watch our kids and nieces and nephews etc. yes the sleeping arrangements are cramped. Yes sometimes I’d love the space of my big beautiful home, but being with family is an opportunity I wouldn’t pass up.
Ftr, no we do NOT expect the newlyweds to help, and yes they WILL help next year, because they’re not spoiled brats, they are just newlyweds dealing with all that comes into a new marriage and pregnancy. Also, no, we do not expect the single sister to watch our kids, even tho she goes out of her way to help and watch them with a smile on her face. And we do not expect my mother to cater to us, even though she does it as well, with a smile on her face.
And guess what?? Many many years of HARD HARD work and investment on our relationships with each other have come together to create the beautiful yomim tovim that we now share
Just posting this so that it’s out there. Some of us work hard without resenting others. Some mothers and mils take their greatest pleasure from hosting. And some daughters and dils deal with a few hardships to achieve the greater goal of a beautiful pesach with family

amother

Charcoal

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 8:57 am

amother [ Natural ] wrote:

exactly this
many/some people seem to have a very challenging time imagining anyone else's reality other than their own