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-> Parenting our children
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amother
OP
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 Sun, Apr 24 2022, 5:14 pm
I don’t mean stuff they have, I mean what about their personality draws other people to them?
And I don’t mean ideally what we should value in other people, I mean in elementary aged kids, how come some kids make it and some don’t? Can anyone break it down for me?
I don’t need my kids to be queen bees, but I do wonder how come they’re not the kids other kids are chasing, and they are very often left out. We have a nice house, lots of fun toys, my kids are dressed nicely, they are polite, not aggressive or wild. I buy them lots of cool prizes and gadgets and whatever little toys are trending .. But somehow they’re just not “it” kids.
I’m not looking for tips on dressing them better or what in toys to buy them. I love them to bits exactly how they are and don’t want to change them. I’m really just trying to understand.
Growing up my siblings and I were nebs, but it was understandable. Poor, divorced parents, not dressed well, not confident , small run down apartment , geeky etc. But my kids are growing up so differently and still…
I’m really just looking for sociological, psychological, anthropological perspective.
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behappy2
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Sun, Apr 24 2022, 5:15 pm
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What are their personalities
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amother
Gladiolus
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Sun, Apr 24 2022, 5:17 pm
Very similar situation to you.
I really do believe some kids are born with innate confidence. I see from my own kids some of these magnetic personality traits are inherent (mine are not, more quiet, nice types).
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amother
OP
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Sun, Apr 24 2022, 5:17 pm
| behappy2 wrote: | | What are their personalities | Instead of me describing them, can you tell me which personality traits would make someone popular, or the opposite?
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amother
OP
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Sun, Apr 24 2022, 5:19 pm
| amother [ Gladiolus ] wrote: | Very similar situation to you.
I really do believe some kids are born with innate confidence. I see from my own kids some of these magnetic personality traits are inherent (mine are not, more quiet, nice types). | So is confidence the magic trait?
And if it is, is their entire social life just a catch 22? Lack of confidence leading to lack of popularity leading to further lack of confidence ?
My kids are not quiet, demure types. They are slightly insecure and anxious, but very fun and sociable and adventurous when they’re feeling comfortable. And their anxiety does not present in ways that I’d expect other kids their age to pick up on. But it would make sense that that contributes to their not-sparkliness.
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dena613
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Sun, Apr 24 2022, 5:19 pm
Think about the popular adults in your community.
They usually exude self-confidence, are smiley, talkative, and extroverted.
Most people are not popular, by the way.
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amother
OP
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Sun, Apr 24 2022, 5:22 pm
| dena613 wrote: | Think about the popular adults in your community.
They usually exude self-confidence, are smiley, talkative, and extroverted.
Most people are not popular, by the way. | I can’t tell what makes adults popular either. Heck, I don’t even know who’s considered popular. It’s all so fake to me.
Can you break it down for me?
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dena613
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Sun, Apr 24 2022, 5:30 pm
Popular women at work are the ones other co-workers shmooze with.
Popular women in shul are the ones people linger to talk to after shul is over.
Popular women in a neighborhood are the ones people visit shabbos afternoon...
Basically, people want to hang out with popular people.
But you knew that, right?  what was your real question?
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dena613
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Sun, Apr 24 2022, 5:32 pm
The externals you posted about in you r opening post do make a difference though.
Put-together and stylish extroverted people.tend to be more popular than extroverted people who aren't as stylish.
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amother
Begonia
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Sun, Apr 24 2022, 5:38 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | I can’t tell what makes adults popular either. Heck, I don’t even know who’s considered popular. It’s all so fake to me.
Can you break it down for me? |
I think confidence is one of the main ingredients when it comes to popularity. Maybe you can be confident and not super popular, but you can't be popular and not confident. And a healthy sense of self esteem is something you can work on instilling in your kids. Some ways to do that:
1. Constantly highlight your kids good qualities to them. Very specific compliments. (You did xyz. You're so responsible! You figured this out. You are so creative! You helped brother. You are so kind!)
2. Help them develop hobbies/talents. My kids have been into art, music, creating balloon animals, baking, creating miniature clay things, building miniature house sets (see Amazon), making magic shows and too many other things to count. If I see a child show a passing interest in something, I'll buy them things to help them develop that (like a book on making balloon animals and the balloons). Some are passing interests and some remain lifelong passions, but all help build self esteem. We have the kid who's the family baker, and the kid who can fix anything. They all know they're good at stuff, and some of their passing interests drew attention from friends too.
3. Each kid has challenges and weak points, but they should see it as a minor part of themselves and not their main identity. You can even point out how it's making them a better person or what the positive flip side of that might be.
Most importantly, work on YOUR self-esteem. If you always voice how offended you are because this one did this or that, or always doubting yourself, that insecurity will get passed on to them.
A healthy sense of self is the greatest gift you can give your kids.
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amother
OP
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Sun, Apr 24 2022, 5:40 pm
| dena613 wrote: | The externals you posted about in you r opening post do make a difference though.
Put-together and stylish extroverted people.tend to be more popular than extroverted people who aren't as stylish. | Ok, this is helpful. Even for children? I buy my children stylish clothes and accessories , but some of them struggle a little with being put together just because of some minor body awareness issues and sensory issues.
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amother
OP
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Sun, Apr 24 2022, 5:41 pm
| dena613 wrote: | Popular women at work are the ones other co-workers shmooze with.
Popular women in shul are the ones people linger to talk to after shul is over.
Popular women in a neighborhood are the ones people visit shabbos afternoon...
Basically, people want to hang out with popular people.
But you knew that, right? what was your real question? | Yes, I get that people want to hang out with popular people and the people that have gaggles of people shmoozing with them are popular. It’s just not always that obvious. Idk who has people hanging out by them shabbos afternoon because I’m not there, but it’s obviously not me.
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amother
Antiquewhite
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Sun, Apr 24 2022, 5:42 pm
It’s a personality.
Of course externals play a factor but it has a lot to do with the personality.
I was a teacher and observed the kids a lot. The confident louder kids were more popular than the polite sweet kids.
Otoh, I had a student, average looks, outdated clothes, quite shy, no charisma, but for some reason the girls would chase her like crazy. Me and my partner we’re busy trying to figure it out but we never did.
She was a kid everybody in the class loved. For no apparent reason.
Sometimes some kids have chein.
You can Daven for it
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dena613
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Sun, Apr 24 2022, 5:42 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | Ok, this is helpful. Even for children? I buy my children stylish clothes and accessories , but some of them struggle a little with being put together just because of some minor body awareness issues and sensory issues. |
I LOVE begonias post.
Your kids are not popular. That's okay. Most people's kids aren't!!!
Building their self confidence is so important
In terms of friends, push them to invite kids offer, let them play at others houses, within reason...And try to cultivate2-3 friends for them
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dena613
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Sun, Apr 24 2022, 5:44 pm
| amother [ Antiquewhite ] wrote: | It’s a personality.
Of course externals play a factor but it has a lot to do with the personality.
I was a teacher and observed the kids a lot. The confident louder kids were more popular than the polite sweet kids.
Otoh, I had a student, average looks, outdated clothes, quite shy, no charisma, but for some reason the girls would chase her like crazy. Me and my partner we’re busy trying to figure it out but we never did.
She was a kid everybody in the class loved. For no apparent reason.
Sometimes some kids have chein.
You can Daven for it |
Love this post.
And just because they are popular, doesn't necessarily mean they're nicer.
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amother
Honeydew
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Sun, Apr 24 2022, 5:44 pm
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amother
Tangerine
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Sun, Apr 24 2022, 5:45 pm
This is what I think, based on what I see in my kids’ classes, in addition to having all the right “stuff” and wardrobe, home, etc.
Popular kids are-
Good listeners, makes them enjoyable to have conversations with.
Not afraid to make mistakes or look silly, they dance and have a blast even if they don’t know the moves perfectly.
They are kind to the nebs, are patient with them and act genuinely nice.
They put effort into their work and do well academically.
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DVOM
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Sun, Apr 24 2022, 5:48 pm
My one extremely popular child is creative, happy-go-lucky, flexible, outgoing, confident, athletic, fearless, whip-smart, and handsome. He's also very kind and inclusive. He'll play anything with anyone, so long as they're nice and have good ideas.
My other kids have friends and are happy in their place in school, but not like this one.
His personality is really a gift from God.
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amother
OP
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Sun, Apr 24 2022, 5:50 pm
| amother [ Begonia ] wrote: | I think confidence is one of the main ingredients when it comes to popularity. Maybe you can be confident and not super popular, but you can't be popular and not confident. And a healthy sense of self esteem is something you can work on instilling in your kids. Some ways to do that:
1. Constantly highlight your kids good qualities to them. Very specific compliments. (You did xyz. You're so responsible! You figured this out. You are so creative! You helped brother. You are so kind!)
2. Help them develop hobbies/talents. My kids have been into art, music, creating balloon animals, baking, creating miniature clay things, building miniature house sets (see Amazon), making magic shows and too many other things to count. If I see a child show a passing interest in something, I'll buy them things to help them develop that (like a book on making balloon animals and the balloons). Some are passing interests and some remain lifelong passions, but all help build self esteem. We have the kid who's the family baker, and the kid who can fix anything. They all know they're good at stuff, and some of their passing interests drew attention from friends too.
3. Each kid has challenges and weak points, but they should see it as a minor part of themselves and not their main identity. You can even point out how it's making them a better person or what the positive flip side of that might be.
Most importantly, work on YOUR self-esteem. If you always voice how offended you are because this one did this or that, or always doubting yourself, that insecurity will get passed on to them.
A healthy sense of self is the greatest gift you can give your kids. | Idk I find cultivating my kids interests tends to make them weird. Unless it’s a very popular interest. Like making slime for girls and basketball for boys. Nobody cares about woodworking and horseback riding and look at them funny if they’re into it.
I’m not confident but I act very confident and assertive and outgoing and there’s no way my kids pick on my insecurity.
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amother
Cherry
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Sun, Apr 24 2022, 5:52 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | Ok, this is helpful. Even for children? I buy my children stylish clothes and accessories , but some of them struggle a little with being put together just because of some minor body awareness issues and sensory issues. |
Kids can pick up on this from a very early age. This might be it.
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