What makes certain kids popular?

amother

Sun, Apr 24 2022, 5:53 pm

dena613 wrote:

I LOVE begonias post.
Your kids are not popular. That's okay. Most people's kids aren't!!!
Building their self confidence is so important

In terms of friends, push them to invite kids offer, let them play at others houses, within reason...And try to cultivate2-3 friends for them

We do put effort into cultivating friendships and I know it’s ok that they’re not queen bees. But it still hurts when they’re constantly watching other kids hit it off and they’re like the fifth wheel, if at all.

amother

Sun, Apr 24 2022, 5:55 pm

amother [ Cherry ] wrote:

Kids can pick up on this from a very early age. This might be it.

Yes, it is a possibility. I tried telling myself that they probably don’t notice, and also tried putting in a lot of effort into helping them compensate for this but my kids are not good about taking feedback and are somewhat headstrong when it comes to looks so at this point my only option pretty much is to back off Confused

It’s sad that they don’t connect the dots but me pointing it out to them isn’t helpful, so…

amother

Tulip

Sun, Apr 24 2022, 6:00 pm

As a teacher, I would also say that the popular kids are usually self confident, louder and have a lot of personality. Also a happy fun kid who smiles attracts more friends. Being aggressive helps too, although thats not what you would want for your kids. Being nicely dressed doesnt count as much in elementary school though.
Nonetheless, one of my kids doesnt have so much self confidence, is more of an anxious perfectionist type. She is introverted and quiet, but she is super popular. She has a million friends calling her every night. She is forever invited for shabbos.... When she was younger, her teachers would tell me the kids would fight to sit next to her. I reallly cant figure why her two sisters who have way more self confidence and personality are not at all as popular. Maybe its just her mazel dunno

behappy2

Sun, Apr 24 2022, 6:00 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Instead of me describing them, can you tell me which personality traits would make someone popular, or the opposite?

My kids are well liked and children like being friends with them.

One of them is very talkative and a performer by nature (I'm assuming this is the part that attracts kids and adults to her)

The other has a natural chein, can be a good follower and adventurous and and enjoys having a good time.

They are both very very different. Both kids I have worked hard to teach them how to get along with others.

amother

Maroon

Sun, Apr 24 2022, 6:20 pm

I really think it's misplaced priorities to focus on how popular your kids are or what you can do to help them be popular.

Focus on cultivating good middos and being the person Hashem wants you to be. You have all the personality traits you need to complete the tafkid that Hashem has in store for you. Your tafkid may not be to have a zillion friends and that's okay.

I suggest reading the book "Social Intelligence" to understand the ingredients that make some people shine in social settings. The book does a good job of breaking down what makes some people more popular than others but doesn't really lay out what you can do to become more socially intelligent if you aren't already.

My experience is the more you care the less popular you're likely to be and vice versa.

amother

Sun, Apr 24 2022, 6:33 pm

amother [ Maroon ] wrote:

My goal is not to make my kids popular as in queen bee popular. Just well liked, and not always a fifth wheel. I don’t need throngs of kids over at our house every shabbos, but it would be nice if some kids knocked on the door every now and then, as opposed to us always having to reach out. It’s painful and humiliating to always be a pursuer.

amother

Maroon

Sun, Apr 24 2022, 6:50 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I honestly don't know the secret because we aren't popular. That's why I work on developing a life for ourselves and cultivating a close relationship with a few people rather than worrying about where we stand socially. It's what works for us.

amother

Honeydew

Sun, Apr 24 2022, 7:07 pm

amother [ Maroon ] wrote:

Halfway through my oldest's high school years, dh and I realized that us being homebodies and not needing to go out and be out, affected our child socially. We need to push ourselves in order for our children to see and emulate. This is even though our children want to go out and not be home. It's about what we taught our children through osmosis.

amother

Azalea

Sun, Apr 24 2022, 7:10 pm

I believe it’s self confidence and friendliness
I think parents can try to cultivate these traits but in the end it’s the child’s natural inborn temperament.
Meaning it’s a Bracha from Hashem
Also kids tend to take after a parent
I’m my case-bh my kids are popular I see a lot of DH in them ( it’s not from me ! I was a very insecure kid and not extroverted……..)

amother

Vermilion

Sun, Apr 24 2022, 7:18 pm

My 10 year old son told me over pesach that one of our neighbors is really annoying to the other kids. This kid is well dressed and good looking, lives in a gorgeous new house, his parents are put together and successful. The example my son gave to illustrate how this kid is annoying was how he’ll call other kids to ask if they wanna come over, not take no for an answer, and keep calling repeatedly to ask them why they can’t play. In other words, poor social and communication skills. These things are more important than looking good.

amother

DarkMagenta

Sun, Apr 24 2022, 7:34 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Idk I find cultivating my kids interests tends to make them weird. Unless it’s a very popular interest. Like making slime for girls and basketball for boys. Nobody cares about woodworking and horseback riding and look at them funny if they’re into it.

I’m not confident but I act very confident and assertive and outgoing and there’s no way my kids pick on my insecurity.

I think some people, kids or adults, can pull anything off. A popular kid can be into something strange, and suddenly that strange thing is the new fad.

Of course this goes back to your original question which is what makes them popular in the first place.

behappy2

Sun, Apr 24 2022, 7:44 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

So is confidence the magic trait?

And if it is, is their entire social life just a catch 22? Lack of confidence leading to lack of popularity leading to further lack of confidence ?

My kids are not quiet, demure types. They are slightly insecure and anxious, but very fun and sociable and adventurous when they’re feeling comfortable. And their anxiety does not present in ways that I’d expect other kids their age to pick up on. But it would make sense that that contributes to their not-sparkliness.

I think a bigger part is how you react to it. I have a neighbor who has a girl my daughter's age. The kids got together and the child was not talking at all and instead of the mother guiding her, getting down on the floor and getting the kids to play with each other she just stood there. So is it the child or the mother?

amother

Carnation

Sun, Apr 24 2022, 7:59 pm

My daughter is very confident and mature and fun.

Yet she is constantly left out, and hardly ever do the girls her age come to knock on our door.

We live on a small block and one of the girls her age is just a very mean kid who makes sure she “grabs the friends first.” Also makes sure no one is friends with my daughter. “ The queen bee does not allow lol.

It’s sad , it hurts my heart.

But I know with every fiber of my being that my daughter will be fine.

amother

Carnation

Sun, Apr 24 2022, 8:00 pm

amother [ Carnation ] wrote:

OP my point of posting this was to say that just because your children are not “popular“ doesn’t mean it has anything to do with them. It might have to do with the other kids.

amother

Sun, Apr 24 2022, 8:05 pm

amother [ Maroon ] wrote:

This isn’t me worrying about where we stand socially. This is me being sad that my children are sad that they’re often left out and they always need to be running after other kids.

amother

Sun, Apr 24 2022, 8:06 pm

amother [ Vermilion ] wrote:

Right. So as far as I can tell my kids don’t do any of these annoying things any more than other kids. I observe how they interact a lot.

amother

Sun, Apr 24 2022, 8:07 pm

amother [ Carnation ] wrote:

OP my point of posting this was to say that just because your children are not “popular“ doesn’t mean it has anything to do with them. It might have to do with the other kids.

I hear you. It’s possible. I’ve considered this. But it seems like it’s more than just bad luck.

amother

Sun, Apr 24 2022, 8:07 pm

amother [ DarkMagenta ] wrote:

Yes, I agree with this. A lot. Quirky kids will just be quirky and cool kids will be cool. But why??

amother

Maroon

Sun, Apr 24 2022, 8:08 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

This isn’t me worrying about where we stand socially. This is me being sad that my children are sad that they’re often left out and they always need to be running after other kids.

Maybe you can let the kids own that sadness and help them work through it rather than trying to solve the problem for them.

amother

Sun, Apr 24 2022, 8:09 pm

amother [ Maroon ] wrote:

Maybe you can let the kids own that sadness and help them work through it rather than trying to solve the problem for them.

Maybe. It’s something to think about. I’m definitely not one to try to fix this for them in the moment. This is just me reflecting behind the scenes.