Preteen dd talking to me about her weight

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

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amother

Wed, Apr 27 2022, 10:13 am

My daughter is 9.5 BH. She's probably about 4.5 feet (my guesstimate) and she just weighed herself randomly on the bathroom scale (not exactly sure why, other than it's fun) at #111.8. she came over to me privately and asked me what's a normal weight for a 4th grader and do I think #111 is too much.

Background - I'm very petite and thin. My husband is the opposite. My kids, besides this 9 yr old, take after me in weight - so far. We don't talk about weight in the house, it's just not a topic I care for. It also just never comes up... We do discuss healthy eating, and eat (or try to) healthfully in our house BH. We are not a crazy active household in the winter months, but usually in warmer months kids are outside playing. Kids love to sit and read...

Back to the present... I basically answered her within a conversation: Hash-em makes every person different... As long as you are healthy... As long as you are happy.... Eating healthy is important, not the number... Being active can keep a body healthy....etc.

I did ask her why she asking, hoping nobody in her class or family said anything to her. She replied that she was reading in her book (BY times) that the 12 year old twins were talking about weight and one decided to go on a diet.

She asked if she should diet... I told her no, just to keep eating healthy etc...

However, when we were discussing a prize she earned and I asked what she wanted, a treat or a prize, she said she shouldn't get her treat cuz "you know!"... I replied to her, that a treat occasionally is ok, but she can decide.

My issue: because I don't have this issue BH, I feel very ill equipped to deal with it appropriately. Also, I do think she is overweight. But at the same time it kind of runs in my husband 's family... The Dr in the past has always just said I should make sure she is active and moves. She's BH otherwise healthy. Her birthday is not for another few months.
Plus, she eats like an adult. Portions and foods. But also like a kid with snacks and sweets. I'm always uncertain if I should portion control her. I haven't yet. Just when she asks me for more food, I answer her to ask her body if she's really hungry. Or that she should drink and wait a few minutes to see if she still wants more. Sometimes she ends up with more, other times not.

Anyway, that's the long and short of it. I may have missed a few points, please feel free to ask and I'll try to clarify. I'm posting here because I'm looking for parenting advice in how to deal with this in a gentle way.

Thanks!

oneofakind

Wed, Apr 27 2022, 10:41 am

I think you are doing awesome. it is disconcerting that "kosher" books can have such bad messages. Tell her the doctor said she's fine and that it's important to exercise. If she chooses to eat less nash because it's not so healthy she can choose to do so.
It's possible she'll slim down as she gets older and finishes growing.

ora_43

Wed, Apr 27 2022, 11:03 am

I think your response was great. And that you're totally right to teach her to recognize her own body signals instead of trying to control her portions. It's better in the long run. Plus, hard to get portion control right at this age, sometimes girls legitimately need to eat huge amounts because they're about to have a growth spurt.

amother

Wed, Apr 27 2022, 11:08 am

oneofakind wrote:

Thank you 😊
I agree about the kosher books, btw, but then there are potential more issues in secular books, so can't win!
Yeah, I usually give my kids that choice about choosing the healthy choice or not. She is probably my one kid who, when I say that, chooses healthy! Bh

amother

Wed, Apr 27 2022, 11:11 am

ora_43 wrote:

Thank you 😊
I'm not sure about the growth spurt, although time will tell! She's always eaten like she was older... Even as a toddler she ate more than my bigger kids. She's definitely one of the taller ones in her class, although one of the youngest. But that doesn't usually foretell her full height anyway...

amother

Tuberose

Wed, Apr 27 2022, 11:14 am

This is my dd exactly but didn’t ask me about dieting bH yet but I’m always nervous bec rest of my kids are tiny skinny I just focus on being healthy and exercise for all of them hope I’m not doing anything wrong

Aurora

Wed, Apr 27 2022, 11:37 am

Some women also put on a lot of weight just before puberty. Your body needs reserved energy (fat!) for all of the changes it's about to do.

amother

Carnation

Wed, Apr 27 2022, 12:25 pm

OP, I wish my mom had responded like you did. You really did everything right.

I had no concept of weight at that age but my mom was unhappy with my size and put me on Weight Watchers in 6th grade and strictly controlled my portion sizes and always sighed when she took me clothes shopping and said things would look better on me if I lost a few pounds. If course I ate everything in sight when she wasn't there and I am now obese and can't control myself around food. My doctor very gently suggested WW and I burst into tears because I have such negative associations.

Unfortunately the world we live in is very weight conscious. Your daughter will be bombarded with messages that she needs to be skinny to be worthy. You need to do your best to counteract those messages and build up her self-confidence. Make sure you have healthy food available at home and help her make good choices for herself rather than imposing limits. Find activities she'll enjoy to be active, whether that's a dance class or a sport or a daily walk together. Focus on health for the whole family rather than weight.

SuperWify

Wed, Apr 27 2022, 12:30 pm

That’s gross that the book talks about 12 year olds dieting. Recipe for disaster.

amother

Acacia

Wed, Apr 27 2022, 12:39 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You did the right thing!
I was chubby all my life (runs on my father's family too lol) and am at my thinnest point now because I constantly am working on myself since 10th grade. At her age, I did not have a care in the world and I think she is too young to worry about dieting. When she is older, if it concerns her (or its becoming more of an issue), you can discuss it with her then.
If you want her to be more active or boost her self esteem, maybe send her to gymnastics or dance classes. Otherwise I wouldn't worry now.

amother

Springgreen

Wed, Apr 27 2022, 4:02 pm

You did absolutely amazing with her.

My friend has the genetics from her dh's side that some of her kids got that build. One got old enough, didnt like it and swore off nosh, only eats food, got much thinner from that alone.

If it came up again by itself I would tell her about diet culture and how entrapping and unhealthy it is.

Chana Miriam S

Wed, Apr 27 2022, 5:47 pm

If you email me I have a 490 page ebook I can email you about terms and eating and weig. It’s essentially a handbook for intuitive eating. / anti diet culture/ You can pm me your email address if you like

lamplighter

Thu, Apr 28 2022, 5:09 am

I think you did fabulous!
Whenever a child of mine expresses concern over their weight I tell them we will discuss it with the pediatrician by their check up. Before the check up I ask them if they want to discuss their weight and if yes we do. The pediatrician does an excellent job of reassuring them.
From a fat kid who was put on WW in 5th grade and has struggled with disordered eating and obesity cycling ever since, thank you for the beautiful way you are raising your daughter.

amother

Fri, Apr 29 2022, 12:13 am

Thank you all for reassuring me that I dealt with my daughter ok. I appreciate that!

Don't think it's all peaches and cream though! My further issue is that a few of my thinner kids I'm often asking if they ate enough when they left the table. Asking if they want more. Then my 9 yr old pipes up that she does. What do I say to not make her think I'm treating her differently? Do I treat her differently? I have reason to ...
I try to answer her in a neutral way, like oh I wasn't talking to you. Sometimes that works, but other times she'll say, oh sorry - but can I have more please?

Basically how to deal with two kinds of eaters? My 9 year old the only one on her side...

Chana Miriam S

Fri, Apr 29 2022, 12:47 am

Here’s the link to the book. It’s a bit like the ultimate intuitive eating/body positive/weight neutral resource. If you read it you’ll get the idea about how to talk to her and not break her. It’s free but you can purchase a hard copy where proceeds go to the organization.

https://www.redefiningwellness.co/

gold21

Fri, Apr 29 2022, 12:55 am

Encourage her to eat plenty of veggies and fruit prior to eating supper, and let her eat what she wants after that. (And try to buy veggies & fruit that she likes.) You can offer all your kids veggies & fruit in the same fashion, but I would suggest that you make this child a larger portion of fruit & veggies since apparently she has a bigger appetite than the others. Just my opinion. Also, eliminate caloric drinks in your home. Water is definitely the drink of choice. For everyone. Good Luck!

amother

Fri, Apr 29 2022, 7:01 am

gold21 wrote:

Thanks, we already do exactly this, offer fruit veggies before supper and only have water besides Shabbos.

amother

Fri, Apr 29 2022, 7:01 am

andrea levy wrote:

Thanks, I'll try.

gold21

Fri, Apr 29 2022, 8:10 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thanks, we already do exactly this, offer fruit veggies before supper and only have water besides Shabbos.

OK.

Do you find that she eats the fruit & veggies you offer her?

I have a child around the same age as your daughter. This child is extremely picky but loves red pepper, strawberries, grapes, pineapple, and mushrooms. (I count mushrooms as a veggie lol). This child has a large appetite so I offer large amounts of fruit & veggies. My other children eat fruit & veggies but in smaller amounts as they have smaller appetites.

Anyway, so that's what we offer this child.

Do you find your child filling up on the fruit & veggies you put in front of her?

Also, I recently eliminated caloric drinks from Shabbos meals. I offer diet Snapple on Shabbos (only on Shabbos- water during the week). I personally love diet Snapple and so do my kids. We also have flavored seltzer on Shabbos. And water is available as well.

Diet drinks aren't particularly healthy but neither are high-sugar drinks. So I decided to go with the diet drinks.

Good Luck!!

amother

Brown

Fri, Apr 29 2022, 8:24 am

Intuitive eating by Ellyn Satter is a wonderful resource.

Im curious about your own relationship with being fat- not just healthy foods. The way you said just keeping eating healthy foods is not in fact correct. Some people eat only "healthy" foods and are in fact quite unhealthy. Hence most diets. Eating cake daily and having juice will not in fact make someone gain weight. For a diabetic, sweets can be lifesaving, for a child they can bring on an appetite for carbs and for adults they can satiate their sweet tooth.

Perhaps you mean nutritious?

Raising children in this diet/healthy crazed world is hard and I commend you for doing what you can to help your daughter.

Of course I know that here on the internet nuance is difficult too so if I missed my mark on what I took from your post, I apologize.

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