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amother
Melon
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 Sat, Apr 30 2022, 10:25 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | I have children who are around low teens. Unfortunately, I had childhood with pretty serious emotional neglect which caused me to become dissociative, irritable and I dont feel real emotions in my body, it is dissociated from my head. I didn't realize this all until I was in my late 20s. I started with a therapist and am making loads of progress. I am a different mother than who I was two years ago. However, the damage to my kids was done. They also can't feel emotions, don't discuss them, become upset but just cry and can't Express themselves.
I have drastically changed my attitude towards them and am now loving, caring and accepting. I've apologized over and over for my behavior. Every once in a while it creeps up but not often and when it does I say sorry.
Is it too late for my kids to feel and not be emotionally messy? Is there anything else I can do to help? They aren't even aware of these issues. I tried to point them out but they don't fully understand.
I am basically raising them on my own with minimal supports so I really feel like I damaged them. Please help |
Please know that it is ever too late. I grew up with severe abuse. People on these boards know my stoty from ghe severe abuse forum. Forget the lack of food, lack of proper attire, beatings, yelling, being locked in closet, no choice whatsoever in anything --I never heard words of affirmation or I love you. That pained me to no end.
My mother had bpd and my father suffered from her severly.
My mother continues to attempt to abuse me in emotional and psychological games.
Please know that in spite of above, if my mom would say to me, even once, one time I want you to know my DD I am truly sorry for the pain I've inflicted I have loved you and always love you and I am working on myself and I want to do what I t takes to make our relationship work boom - I'd be totally receptive eager to work with her.
And I'm over 40 and suffered years and years from her.
If you have even a smidgen of caring, reach out to your kids and listen. It's never too late.
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amother
Sapphire
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Sun, May 01 2022, 12:15 am
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | I have children who are around low teens. Unfortunately, I had childhood with pretty serious emotional neglect which caused me to become dissociative, irritable and I dont feel real emotions in my body, it is dissociated from my head. I didn't realize this all until I was in my late 20s. I started with a therapist and am making loads of progress. I am a different mother than who I was two years ago. However, the damage to my kids was done. They also can't feel emotions, don't discuss them, become upset but just cry and can't Express themselves.
I have drastically changed my attitude towards them and am now loving, caring and accepting. I've apologized over and over for my behavior. Every once in a while it creeps up but not often and when it does I say sorry.
Is it too late for my kids to feel and not be emotionally messy? Is there anything else I can do to help? They aren't even aware of these issues. I tried to point them out but they don't fully understand.
I am basically raising them on my own with minimal supports so I really feel like I damaged them. Please help |
It's wonderful that you've apologized but I think you should be careful not to keep doing that. It's important to convey your strength and confidence in your new parenting skills, which is so important in giving kids a sense of security.
If your kids are in their low teens, their is so much you can still teach them. Empower them with specific positive feedback about their strengths. Name feelings that they may be feeling and model good coping skills. (I'm so sorry this happened. You must be feeling so scared/frustrated/sad. What can we do to help you feel better?)
I'm sure your therapist can give you more ideas, but if you are committed to doing this, there is so much you can still teach your kids.
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mitzva
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Mon, May 23 2022, 8:42 pm
Do not worry too much about your children. Just do what you have to do as a parent, one day at a time.
your children were given their destiny just like you were given yours.
My mom too is like a flower that bloomed late in certain aspects of parenting due to indescribable, difficult circumstances.
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amother
Aster
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Mon, May 23 2022, 9:17 pm
I am in my 40s. I was not the perfect mother when my kids were younger. I do believe you can 'correct' damage done, but only by changing yourself. Your journey is yours to complete. (Their journey is theirs to complete.) You can apologize to your children for a specific thing "I'm sorry I yelled at you yesterday. You did not deserve that, even if you poured bleach all over the clean laundry on the floor. Lets figure out how to replace the clothes together." You should not apologize for past acts; your growth is enough. You can do the apologizing when you have built healthy relationships and the conversation is brought up (by your kid) in an open, honest, vulnerable moment.
If you change how you act, your kids will catch on, ie lower volume of voice, don't engage when angry, bring simcha into the house, make time for thier story, etc., that's enough.
My parentlng goals are:
1. Act in a way that helps my kids feel loved.
2. Be in my kids corner no matter what. Say it, show it. Be it.
3. Don't take it personal, and be an ADULT in my interactions.
4. Strive to be the person I wish my kids will grow up to be, and/ or the parent I wish they had.
They may not get it now, but they will remember that you changed and took responsibility. That will give them chizuk to work on themselves when they are ready.
This is not really a chiddush- it's how you have to parent when your kids hit adolescence anyway. (through adulthood too.)
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