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Forum -> Pregnancy & Childbirth -> Baby Names
Family members won't call DD by the name we are calling her
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, May 03 2022, 7:34 pm
Baruch Hashem I gave birth a few months ago. I have two very close family members who refuse to call DD by the nickname we are calling her. I'm gonna use a completely different name as an example- let's say we named her nechama and we call her chumie. These two family members told us they won't call her by that name, they will call her nechama, as that's a real name. But in the meantime, another close member of the family has a daughter- let's say her name is Shifra, they happily call her by shiffy, which is what her parents call her! This has been bugging me ever since they told me (and this was told to me by them separately) that they wouldn't be calling her what we are calling her. It's so annoying. Every time they refer to DD, I'm like "are you trying to shove it in my face that you won't call her what everyone else is calling her??" And jftr, I love her name. It's not that. It's that they're so bdavkadik about it that irks me. And that they have no problem calling another family member by her nickname! I know it seems childish but it's bothering me. I'm sure I'll just have to grin and bear it. But maybe someone can tell me I'm not super crazy🤷
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allthingsblue




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 03 2022, 7:37 pm
That would totally irk me. Do you know why they do that?
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amother
Denim


 

Post Tue, May 03 2022, 7:39 pm
I would ignore them. Don't engage. That's what they want and it will lead to nowhere. My mom wouldn't talk to me for months after I gave my dd a name she didn't approve of, but had no problems when my siblings did a similar thing. Ultimately it's her loss because she ruined her relationship with my family. You have the right to call your child what you like and you dont owe anyone an explanation.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, May 03 2022, 7:41 pm
allthingsblue wrote:
That would totally irk me. Do you know why they do that?


I have no clue. I should probably find out. Like, if it's a real reason as in they were hurt by someone with that name in the past and it brings up bad memories, at least I'd understand. But if there's no real reason, yeah I'm pretty upset!
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amother
RosePink


 

Post Tue, May 03 2022, 7:41 pm
Definitely not super crazy! I mean, you're not. But it does sound like they are!
They informed you that they won't call her "Chumie"? Do they have a reason for this?

The next time they call her Nechama, maybe try saying, very clearly, not emotionally, "Her name is Chumie". A child with a nickname like that, calling by the full name is like calling a different name! No one insists on calling an Esti - Esther, or Chani - Chana, if they're normally called Esti or Chani. Doesn't make sense at all!
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#BestBubby




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 03 2022, 7:46 pm
Ignore.

They are trying to provoke you. Don't give them the satisfaction.
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Rutabaga




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 03 2022, 7:47 pm
You essentially have three choices.

You can ignore it for now. When your daughter is old enough to notice and have an opinion you can support her in standing up for herself and demanding that they call her by the nickname she goes by. Or she might surprise you and prefer to be called by her full name.

You can keep correcting them every time they call her by her full name and hope they'll eventually either catch on or capitulate.

You can communicate with them and outright ask why they insist on calling your daughter by her full name when they're obviously ok with calling a different child by a nickname.

Only you know the personalities involved enough to guess which option will work out the best for you.

Mazel tov on the baby!
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amother
DarkKhaki


 

Post Tue, May 03 2022, 8:00 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Baruch Hashem I gave birth a few months ago. I have two very close family members who refuse to call DD by the nickname we are calling her. I'm gonna use a completely different name as an example- let's say we named her nechama and we call her chumie. These two family members told us they won't call her by that name, they will call her nechama, as that's a real name. But in the meantime, another close member of the family has a daughter- let's say her name is Shifra, they happily call her by shiffy, which is what her parents call her! This has been bugging me ever since they told me (and this was told to me by them separately) that they wouldn't be calling her what we are calling her. It's so annoying. Every time they refer to DD, I'm like "are you trying to shove it in my face that you won't call her what everyone else is calling her??" And jftr, I love her name. It's not that. It's that they're so bdavkadik about it that irks me. And that they have no problem calling another family member by her nickname! I know it seems childish but it's bothering me. I'm sure I'll just have to grin and bear it. But maybe someone can tell me I'm not super crazy🤷


Totally understand you.

They prob eventually will. Either by default or your daughter will “let them know”, lol.

Or…they will be the odd ones out.

Irksome, yes. But happens often.

Ignore it if you can and keep calling your sweetie by whatever name or nickname you choose.

One of those family “things”. As long as they treat her right.
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amother
Navy


 

Post Tue, May 03 2022, 8:27 pm
It's annoying as can be, I agree with you. I think BestBubby is right. Your best bet is to ignore them.

We named my son after dh's grandfather, let's say his name was Berel, and added a name that We chose, let's say Chaim. We chose to call him by the added name, Chaim. Dh's family insisted on calling him only by the grandfather's name, Berel. I think because they took it personally that we added a name. They just pretended the added name didn't exist at all.

We pretended not to hear when they called him Berel. And we just call him Chaim. My son is almost 5yr old now. My husband's parents have come around by now, and most of his siblings too. He still has two siblings who insist on calling him Berel. Well, what should I tell you. Their the 2 families we choose to hang out with the least. We just find it annoying.

If they'd call him both names, I wouldn't even mind at all. It's just the fact that they live in their fantasy world where we preserved the name of their grandfather, Berel. When they name their kids, they can do what they want. We won't get involved. But it's annoying when people won't go with your child's name. Too bad you can't force people to do what you want, but you can choose not to engage with them.
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 03 2022, 8:58 pm
Bizarre. Perhaps they know the "Nechama" for whom she is named and have a strong desire to preserve her memory?

You could concoct some horrible nickname for each of them and insist on using it...
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amother
Whitewash


 

Post Tue, May 03 2022, 9:24 pm
I have that with two of my kids. My parents call them by their full name, which no one else does. Another they call them by their name, not their nickname.

I don’t take it personally. One of my parents heard a shiur that you shouldn’t call a child by a nickname. Another child is their relative’s actual name, so they call them by the name they remember the person best by. My SIL has a child that they call by a completely English name, and my parents feel that a child’s Hebrew name is important.

It really doesn’t matter. These children live in my house and answer to the name I call them, and also respectfully answer to the name their grandparents call them, which is what, maybe once a month when we see them? Their friends all call them by their preferred name. And when they’re called up to the Torah, they have yet another name.

It’s all good, OP. Don’t let it get to you, it doesn’t mean that they don’t like you or anything. Names are funny sometimes. A name I gave my child that I hated I absolutely love now that I’m older.
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amother
Bottlebrush


 

Post Sat, Aug 27 2022, 12:51 pm
OP, did you ever find out why?

Also, things could always get better. My in laws pronounced our dd's name in a totally different way than us. We told them how we pronounced it and they ignored it and pronounced it how they wanted. One day, when dd was maybe 2 she got so frustrated herself that they said her name differently that she stood up and said "my name is not x, it is y!". They never mispronounced it again. We didn't put my dd up to it, but you never know if your kids will break what others do even when you can't.
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amother
Tulip


 

Post Sat, Aug 27 2022, 1:06 pm
amother OP wrote:
Baruch Hashem I gave birth a few months ago. I have two very close family members who refuse to call DD by the nickname we are calling her. I'm gonna use a completely different name as an example- let's say we named her nechama and we call her chumie. These two family members told us they won't call her by that name, they will call her nechama, as that's a real name. But in the meantime, another close member of the family has a daughter- let's say her name is Shifra, they happily call her by shiffy, which is what her parents call her! This has been bugging me ever since they told me (and this was told to me by them separately) that they wouldn't be calling her what we are calling her. It's so annoying. Every time they refer to DD, I'm like "are you trying to shove it in my face that you won't call her what everyone else is calling her??" And jftr, I love her name. It's not that. It's that they're so bdavkadik about it that irks me. And that they have no problem calling another family member by her nickname! I know it seems childish but it's bothering me. I'm sure I'll just have to grin and bear it. But maybe someone can tell me I'm not super crazy🤷


Lol
Reminds me of when I named a child after dh‘s paternal grandfather. Problem is that dh‘s parents are divorced and his mom and grandma got mad that we named a child for THAT one df and not the maternal one.

First they told dh off and then they told me how the nickname that I chose was wrong.

It took me all my power to just keep my mouth shut, I was so annoyed with their meddling.
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rachelli66




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Aug 27 2022, 4:12 pm
OP as the others have posted, try not to notice. Maybe the name is meaningful to them so they feel it should be used. Doesn't really matter as long as you are happy with her name. Maybe for some reason this is their quirk, that they call your daughter by her real name, and the other granddaughter by her nickname.
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amother
Amaryllis


 

Post Sat, Aug 27 2022, 6:23 pm
why are you so upset? A nickname isn't a real name. tbh Idk why people give a name that they have no intention of using and plan before birth to call the kid something else. this never made sense to me, but I should know by now that expecting people to behave sensibly means one is doomed to disappointment.

it would be one thing if you used her real name and they insisted on using a nickname of their own choosing, but they're using the name you chose to give her! as I see it, you're annoyed only because you're making a comparison to this other family. "They can call my niece by her nickname, why are they discriminating against my dd?" if they called the niece by her real name and not a nickname, would it bother you that they call your dd by her real name? maybe they don't like this other child's real name and do like your dd's, or maybe they dislike the nickname you chose.
As you yourself admitted (probably expecting everyone to say, no, no, you're not being childish at all), your attitude is juvenile. But I also think that the only one not being childish here is the child herself. Your relatives are also being childish to insist on using a name that you've told them you don't like. Though I'm still scratching my head wondering why you object to someone calling your dc by a name you chose to give her.
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amother
Lightgray


 

Post Sat, Aug 27 2022, 6:34 pm
My husband wants my kids names (all hebrew) pronounced Hebrew way, my parents are used to yiddish. My husband corrects them, I dont. I pick my battles.
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Sat, Aug 27 2022, 6:35 pm
That’s so annoying. Is it a not Jewish nickname ?
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hotpretzel




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Aug 27 2022, 6:41 pm
amother Amaryllis wrote:
why are you so upset? A nickname isn't a real name. tbh Idk why people give a name that they have no intention of using and plan before birth to call the kid something else. this never made sense to me, but I should know by now that expecting people to behave sensibly means one is doomed to disappointment.

Though I'm still scratching my head wondering why you object to someone calling your dc by a name you chose to give her.


Because many people name their child after a relative and they dont particularly love the name so they call the child by a nickname they do like.
Or they name after the relative but add on a name that they like.
Or they love the name chumie, they name their baby nechama obviously, but fully intend to always call her chumie.
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amother
Springgreen


 

Post Sat, Aug 27 2022, 6:44 pm
I do this. If the nickname sounds silly to me like yashi or mulie or lolly or berry, I just skip it and use the real name. Sorry. It's just the way I am. The children have beautiful Jewish names, why botch it.
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amother
Chambray


 

Post Sat, Aug 27 2022, 7:05 pm
amother Navy wrote:
It's annoying as can be, I agree with you. I think BestBubby is right. Your best bet is to ignore them.

We named my son after dh's grandfather, let's say his name was Berel, and added a name that We chose, let's say Chaim. We chose to call him by the added name, Chaim. Dh's family insisted on calling him only by the grandfather's name, Berel. I think because they took it personally that we added a name. They just pretended the added name didn't exist at all.

We pretended not to hear when they called him Berel. And we just call him Chaim. My son is almost 5yr old now. My husband's parents have come around by now, and most of his siblings too. He still has two siblings who insist on calling him Berel. Well, what should I tell you. Their the 2 families we choose to hang out with the least. We just find it annoying.

If they'd call him both names, I wouldn't even mind at all. It's just the fact that they live in their fantasy world where we preserved the name of their grandfather, Berel. When they name their kids, they can do what they want. We won't get involved. But it's annoying when people won't go with your child's name. Too bad you can't force people to do what you want, but you can choose not to engage with them.


I think you are being unfeeling to dh's family. It is very hurtful when you are hoping that someone will be named for a loved one (like a grandfather) and he is but he is then called by another name. It is a big slight in their eyes and I totally understand how they feel. Why are you not calling the child by "Berel"? If it is a ugly sounding name in your opinion, it would have been better to call him by a similarly sounding name or one with the same root. In that way you would be happy with the sound and they would feel the grandfather is getting the respect he deserves. This situation is not the same things as the "Chumie" example of OP.
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