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Should I force ds to invite his classmate for bar mitzvah?

 
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, May 05 2022, 4:08 am
My ds is 13 and has social anxiety. His classmate's bar mitzvah is this shabbos and ds just told me the whole class is coming to the neighborhood for shabbos except one boy who couldn't find a place to sleep. Right away I said of course invite him here. We don't have extra beds but my little son can sleep in my room.

Ds is hesitant because the kid has ADHD or something that he's on meds for and if he doesn't take his meds he acts crazy. Also, ds wears pull ups at night and he is worried his friend will see.

I don't want to force ds into a potentially embarrassing situation. But how can I let a kid be left out?
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amother




Oak
 

Post Thu, May 05 2022, 4:14 am
The social anxiety is enough for me to say no unless DS really wants the boy to come. Your job is to protect DS. I assume during Shabbat when not in Shul or the Seuda, the boy will be at your home. That's alot of hours DS needs to spend with him. Think twice before you invite him.
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singleagain




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, May 05 2022, 4:16 am
Are there any other moms in the class you can call to make sure they don't have room, using your lack of room as an excuse (I don't want to put my little son out of bed) .... Not that you have to say that at first


If there is no other room, have a long talk with your son... He must have mentioned it for a reason.

If I read this right and the kid who can't come needs meds, the. You talk to his mom to get the meds and schedule and make sure your on top of giving your guest his meds. It's a day and a half. Not a big deal... Set a few alarms on a shabbat alarm that will go off by itself.

If your son is self conscious he can change in the bathroom.
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Reality




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, May 05 2022, 4:17 am
While I normally would say invite the one boy who is left out, I'm not sure your son is the one to do it.

As important as it is to care about the feelings for the boy who is left out, you also have to take your son's feelings into consideration. If he is embarrassed to ever have sleepover guests because he wears pull ups, I would not push this upon him. You cannot risk your son being mortified in order to do a chesed.

Are you friends with another mother in the class who has more space in her house? Maybe ask her and use lack of space as an excuse for not hosting this boy yourself?
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amother




Coffee
 

Post Thu, May 05 2022, 4:19 am
He has social anxiety and wears pull-ups at night, I can’t even imagine the anxiety he’d have by having a classmate sleep over, especially if they aren’t very close. It sounds like you’re trying to do the right thing by thinking of inviting this boy, but please don’t do it at the expense of your son’s emotional comfort.
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, May 05 2022, 4:20 am
That's a good idea. I should ask a friend to host him first.
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amother




Oak
 

Post Thu, May 05 2022, 4:24 am
I am not even sure you should make the calls to get the boy invited out to someone else. You don't need to give excuses why you can't have him stay by you.
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amother




Narcissus
 

Post Thu, May 05 2022, 4:29 am
I would think this boy would feel uncomfortable to be staying at the house of the bar mitzvah hosts. It's awkward and weird to be an unrelated guest sleeping over for a big family centered event, unless you are a very very close friend.
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, May 05 2022, 5:25 am
No, but there are a couple of other boys in the neighborhood who could host him.
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amother




Jasmine
 

Post Thu, May 05 2022, 5:29 am
Maybe that’s the excuse he is giving but his mother doesn’t want him to go because of his meds etc.. I wouldn’t get involved you can be putting them in a very uncomfortable situation.
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amother




Honey
 

Post Thu, May 05 2022, 5:32 am
You can offer to have him + the boy he is staying by over by day after shul. It’s a long day and can give his hosts a break while hopefully not overwhelming your son and avoiding the overnight situation.
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amother




Narcissus
 

Post Thu, May 05 2022, 5:33 am
amother [ Jasmine ] wrote:
Maybe that’s the excuse he is giving but his mother doesn’t want him to go because of his meds etc.. I wouldn’t get involved you can be putting them in a very uncomfortable situation.

I agree this is very likely. Could be meds.Could be bedwetting. Could be a host of things. At the end of the day, if there are possibilities available for him to to stay in the area that his parents are aware of, there is probably a reason why he doesn't want to sleep over, and the kindest thing to do is let it go and let him keep his dignity.
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amother




Tulip
 

Post Thu, May 05 2022, 5:36 am
amother [ Jasmine ] wrote:
Maybe that’s the excuse he is giving but his mother doesn’t want him to go because of his meds etc.. I wouldn’t get involved you can be putting them in a very uncomfortable situation.


This - first check with the mother. She herself could have reached out to others to host him. She may not have done so for a very good reason.
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amother




Moonstone
 

Post Thu, May 05 2022, 5:56 am
This is a job for the REBBE to be involved in.

Call the rebbe and let him know that this one boy does not have a place (he might well know already).

It is his responsibility to be in touch with boys mother and discuss situation (he might have ready). If needed the rebbe can certainly find him a place in one of the other classmates houses.

This all could have been already discussed and decided, and this boy might not even want to go or his parents don't want him to go, and are using his lack of “place to stay” etc as an excuse.

Whatever the situation, you are wonderful for wanting to do chesed, but with you own DS in his current situation of social anxiety and needing pull ups, you don't seem to be the one to do this particular chesed right now (again, it might not actually even be needed).

Much nachas.
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bluebird




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, May 05 2022, 12:04 pm
It's his classmate's bar mitzvah. It's on that family to help. It's nice that you want to do this, but it sounds like it will not work for DS and you need to support him first as a parent.

I also agree with the others that you don't know what's really happening, and meddling may create a bad situation. This may be a graceful way out for a family that can't attend for some reason or if there is a valid situation where the bar mitzvah boy doesn't want this classmate present.
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amother




PlumPink
 

Post Thu, May 05 2022, 12:22 pm
I would not put your son in such a position. Children don’t have control over that much in their lives. Allow them to choose their comfort level in the social arena. Forcing this on him just isn’t right.
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amother




Lily
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 5:21 am
With the pull-up situation, absolutely not. Kids can be so cruel. I have kids with adhd and they’re not good at impulse control at all, info like this would get spread easily by many young teens but especially kids with adhd.
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amother




Lily
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 5:25 am
Wanted to add that my son who has really intense adhd didn’t sleep over for most of his classmates’ bar mitzvahs because it was too much to ask of another family to host him - he was a handful, quite impulsive and oppositional at that age. Of course we gave a different explanation so he wouldn’t be embarrassed in front of his class, but that was the real reason.
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