Do you tell the teacher about stress at home?

amother

Sun, May 08 2022, 6:39 am

If a teacher comments on your child's behavior which seems to have changed, and you are dealing with tension in the home, do you share this with the teacher? Are you explicit about what's going on (eg. marital problems), are you vague or do you share nothing at all?

amother

Lemonlime

Sun, May 08 2022, 7:21 am

Right now dealing with a medical issue but make sure to let my kids school know ahead of time. It has been helpful because they have given them some leeway etc.
I always think it’s better to say something rather than nothing but u don’t have to be so specific. If a parent moved out or is sleeping somewhere else etc than you should say something otherwise you can be a bit vague. But I think that children definitely pick up on stress at home and especially when there is nothing they can do about it will act out in some way

amother

Linen

Sun, May 08 2022, 7:47 am

As a teacher I think it's helpful when parents share things that might affect the child because it reminds me of the big picture, and reminds me to be more patient/supportive/pay attention to whatever the child needs and also to be understanding about your ability to support/respond.

That said, you're entitled to your privacy and you certainly don't need to share more than you're comfortable sharing about yourself. Be general and keep it focused on the child (ex: parent has been traveling a lot for work/taking care of a sick relative/business is busy this time of year) and child hasn't had a lot of attention/homework help/whatever. I've had parents tell me these things and it's just as helpful as the parents who overshare.

amother

Crimson

Sun, May 08 2022, 8:01 am

I usually think it's a good idea, however one teacher definitely made me think twice. One of my daughters was always a very good student. As soon as I told one teacher that we're getting separated she started hyper focusing on my child's behavior and suddenly everything was indicative of a bigger issue. If we skipped homework once (all year!) I got a call from her and the principal, asking if we need help with the homework. She came to school late once after missing the bus and I was told how single parents just can't manage to stick to routine because we're all over the place. I was recommended to go to therapy, they insisted on my daughter seeing a therapist (which my lawyer had asked me to hold off on) it was chaos and absurd.

amother

Lawngreen

Sun, May 08 2022, 11:32 am

My ex and I separated when my child was in kindergarten , and eventually divorced. I had no problems telling the teachers and it did overall help. But there will always be teachers who take things out of proportion. In third grade for example one teacher wrote broke home next to my child’s name on a list the teacher kept on his desk. My child got very frustrated and hurt and didn’t under stand that term and came home crying to me asking what it meant and would the teacher write that.
Another one told us to get a tutor to help with hw and studying because he didn’t do well on one test. And to get him therapy. Ect.
Some teachers think they need to put in their 2 cents, when all we are trying to tell them is to be aware of the bigger picture.

But again it’s only a few out of the many amazing teachers out there, so we still tell the teachers each new year.

amother

Cherry

Sun, May 08 2022, 12:01 pm

While theoretically it would be best to share about home life with schools, it sometimes does not work out in a child's best interests.
Unfortunately, some teachers assume they are the experts in everything. I had one tell me she is "just like a therapist", others tell me "I am an expert in childhood issues" "listen to me as I am the teacher" etc. When it was exactly the opposite of what actual specialists said to do.
I dont want to get into specifics but as soon as the school saw that my kid was not "perfectly typical" in every way shape and form- they hyper focused on the issues. They dont see progress. They dont see what they are capable of. Just where they are lacking. They try to butt in and give their 2 cents. When they know nothing.

Teachers are educators. Not therapists. They made me sound like I was hiding my kids issues and not helping them when I just didnt give them random progress reports. (Because trying to contact them to give them information was a huge hassle! They didnt return calls!!)

So know your kid, know the teacher, know the school. Random teachers shouldnt be told either.

amother

Freesia

Sun, May 08 2022, 12:04 pm

Teacher here, the more I know, the more I can help. Not saying I need any details but yes, knowing a child is dealing with stress at home can give more insight into their behavior and I'll know to give extra TLC and be lenient with certain things. I am SUPER careful about preserving privacy and if you tell me something in confidence I will not share it with ANYONE. Not my husband, not my co-teacher, not my admin.

(Because you mentioned marital problems that reminded me of this story... I once called a mom to discuss some issues her daughter was having at school. She immediately said "well I can tell you for sure it's not because there's anything happening at home!" (I hadn't asked!) Less than a year later the parents got divorced...)

amother

Slategray

Sun, May 08 2022, 1:08 pm

I’m a teacher.

Trust your gut.

Teachers are people.

Some teachers will use this info to be there for your child to the max in a quiet understated gracious way. They will know how to balance special treatment/leeway with accountability and responsibility and will know how to keep everything in confidence.

Others have personalities that are not as balanced and will not handle this well at all, and take things out of your hands and will either overemphasize the issue or misinterpret things. And they may not be discreet.

If your child’s teachers seems wholesome, trustworthy, and the type to “chap” a situation, by all means share.

Sometimes it can be helpful to pick 1 teacher you trust and ask her who she thinks needs to know, if anyone aside from her. I’ve seen this work very well

Hatzlacha.

nicole81

Sun, May 08 2022, 1:23 pm

leaf wrote:

I would thank her for sharing her concerns and let her know that there is some stress going on at home without going into details.

I agree with this. Most teachers are not experts in helping children through trauma and as well meaning as they are, may even compound the issue.

If you think giving more information is necessary, it's better to go to an administrator (if they're highly trained and competent) and let them advise the teacher as needed.

amother

Cherry

Sun, May 08 2022, 1:51 pm

nicole81 wrote:

I actually found administrators worse than some of the teachers. Zero privacy or understanding. Someone I know was going through a divorce. Her kid was being kicked around at school. It was decided that it was her kids fault because they were "broken home" kids when it was another kid who was the bully!! The school didnt even look into it and just blamed them.

amother

Bone

Sun, May 08 2022, 2:01 pm

Many of the teachers in our school system are young and inexperienced and not trained at all in dealing with kids in crisis.

I remember being a very young BY elementary teacher and trying to deal with complicated family situations that nobody had explained or prepared me for.

.I agree with finding one staff member who seems safe and responsible and sharing only with them.

nicole81

Sun, May 08 2022, 2:02 pm

amother [ Cherry ] wrote:

I'm sorry to hear that, and I hope your friend found a better school for their child. That's why I put the caveat if they're highly trained and competent. I should say and professional, too. I'm currently and administrator in the public school system and that would never fly in my school. But in frum schools, there can be a great level of variation when it comes to these factors. Bh I have only experienced great admins with my kids' schools, and if someone doesn't trust their admin to handle such a situation well, they should be sending to a different school.

amother

Oldlace

Sun, May 08 2022, 2:50 pm

I feel like in this day and age most children have something, whether it's a challenging sibling, parents working long hours, new baby, whatever. I think a good teacher should be understanding of children and it shouldn't need to be spelt out.
I personally don't like things on the record as it often comes back to haunt you. If someone separates and then they get back together, it was public knowledge and it will be there on record somewhere and people know. Throughout the rest of school, the parents will feel the strain of every time their child is struggling, the school will suspect their marriage is in trouble again.

amother

Jasmine

Thu, May 12 2022, 4:11 pm

As a teacher my advice is to share as much as you are comfortable with but please don't use your teacher as a therapist. I have a parent who is going through a divorce this year and calls me frequently and talks to me for hours pouring out all her hardships in life. It gets very uncomfortable and I don't feel qualified to help. I can be a listening ear but I also can't be on call, for hours constantly, to sit on the phone.

amother

Hosta

Thu, May 12 2022, 5:06 pm

My first grader came home from school the first day with a note saying that we could send a note or text the teacher "Handle with care" and the teacher would understand that the child needed some extra TLC without asking any questions. I thought that was such a nice idea.

I usually do inform the teachers if something unusual is going on, like a baby coming, another big family simcha, unfortunately a death in the family, or a move or parent(s) traveling - anything that causes major disruption in the children's routines or something they would be talking about in school.

shmosmom

Thu, May 12 2022, 5:28 pm

amother [ Hosta ] wrote:

Love this idea.

amother

Nasturtium

Thu, May 12 2022, 5:31 pm

No way
Teachers are just regular people doing their job
They don't usually really care
I don't mean to put them down, but I don't really get it how people sometimes think they are these superhuman people that do everything for our kids

They teach as a job, some more talented than others , they don't always have your best interests in mind so not such a good idea to share private info