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Forum -> Working Women
Why do people judge working mothers?
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 12:46 am
I see this so often on here and IRL that there's a certain.... attitude? Judgment? towards working mothers.

I'm a full time working mother and I drop the ball sometimes, but guess what? If I didn't work I would drop the ball in not being able to pay bills, tuition....

I feel the judgment all the time. Someone at work actually asked me recently (it was a man) - why are you doing this? Not sure how to say this - for the money? Same as you.

Are people really that clueless that they think that everyone can just manage fine on one salary?
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amother
Chocolate


 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 12:55 am
Yes they are clueless. And schools who think you can drop everything and volunteer there all day, chat with them during your work hours? They are so disrespectful to working moms.
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amother
Fuchsia


 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 1:23 am
Interesting. I feel judged as SAHM. People always ask me, so what do you do every day? You’re not bored? And of course some people go even further and make comments about the financial place I must be in to be able to afford to do that.
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amother
Latte


 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 2:11 am
amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:
Interesting. I feel judged as SAHM. People always ask me, so what do you do every day? You’re not bored? And of course some people go even further and make comments about the financial place I must be in to be able to afford to do that.


Same! It's always like what do you do? Oh... Youre a SAHM..... how cute..

Its quite condescending.
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salt




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 2:18 am
That's why I get on so well with my female work colleagues.
Because we are all in the same boat!
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amother
Mocha


 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 2:28 am
Yes!!! I feel so judged as a working mom.
I work full time. Seriously full time. I get judged by the school. If anything isnt perfect or a kid misses something it is because I work. Um, no- it happened because I am human. Or my husband was in charge of that and HE forgot. (Wait, husbands can be in charge of 1 kids homework? And forget to sign? Or not do something? It doesnt have to be all on Mom? We both work full time so split everything else up like dinner, making lunches, dinner...)
But they forgive the dads.
If I dont answer the school's phone call the first time (because I am in a non negotiable mandatory meeting that only I can attend, that happens max 1-2 times a month) AND I call back as soon as possible-- I am a terrible mom. But they never even tried to call my husband. Whose number is there next to mine in the school paperwork. Who is their FATHER.

Years ago- My preschool kid acted up. I was blamed because "I had just started a new job so it must be chaotic" and they blamed me working. Um no. I had started months ago, nothing had changed recently, we had a great routine, it was the first meltdown, and my kid just acted up because he didnt sleep well because a neighbor had a loud party late at night the evening before.
But of course it is my job.

Neighbors judge.
I have been told by many to just cut back my hours. Um, who pays for tuition, food, rent then? Why? "Because moms shouldnt work so much".

Banging head
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amother
Mocha


 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 2:31 am
amother [ Chocolate ] wrote:
Yes they are clueless. And schools who think you can drop everything and volunteer there all day, chat with them during your work hours? They are so disrespectful to working moms.


Yep. Mandatory "volunteer hours" at my school. But all options were during 9-4 but most seem smack in the middle of the day. I asked that they give more options but apparently it is ridiculous to have them help out a working mom. Because what mom works full time? If you dont fill it, you pay a large fine. But I work to pay my bills and cant afford that!!
(BH found something random to do to fulfill it outside of school hours but they still didnt understand.)
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chmom




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 6:46 am
Isn’t it obvious? It’s sexism pure and simple
Many people believe that the mother is the only one able and responsible to provide care and emotional connection for the children. It makes me very angry.
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singleagain




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 6:47 am
Unfortunately, many a mindset are still stuck in the 1950s picture perfect Donna Reed type of tv show.... Nevermind the fact that the real Donna Reed was a producer on her own show.
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singleagain




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 6:49 am
chmom wrote:
Isn’t it obvious? It’s sexism pure and simple
Many people believe that the mother is the only one able and responsible to provide care and emotional connection for the children. It makes me very angry.


This too. I have by the way, read many a first person anecdotes online of stay at home dad's getting similar type of treatment but in reverse of working moms
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 8:18 am
amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:
Interesting. I feel judged as SAHM. People always ask me, so what do you do every day? You’re not bored? And of course some people go even further and make comments about the financial place I must be in to be able to afford to do that.

They might be surprised and wondering how you manage it, but they don't think you're a bad mother. They assume I'm a bad mother.

I guess there's that sweet spot where a mother works just the right amount of time so that she makes a little money but is still mostly a mom.

It's just so not fair. Sure I want to work part time, supervising the cleaning help and going for coffee and manicures during my free time, instead I'm always harried and barely make it through the day. I'm not as hands on a mother as I would like to be either. But it's not my fault and not in my control. Don't people get that?

If you judge working moms, I would like to hear, please explain!
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amother
Milk


 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 8:21 am
I babysit and my opinion is that there are working moms whose kids suffer, and there are working moms who obviously make their children a top priority and those kids do not suffer.

The mom who comes home from work after her kids are asleep and who works on Sundays too is not putting her kids first.
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amother
Lavender


 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 8:24 am
I think people judge career moms, not working moms who have no choice. People who put their careers and manicures/lunch dates ahead of their kids needs. You'd be surprised but there are ppl like that. And even those people don't deserve to be judged. Everyone is entitled to run their life as they please.

Most people I meet who I tell I'm still working look at me with those pity eyes and give me a bracha that I should be able to stay home and care for my family and myself. And I truly appreciate it.

As a side note, I was once haggling with my child's school director about tuition and the guy has the audacity to tell me "Mrs x, I think you should get a job" 😳
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 8:25 am
amother [ Milk ] wrote:
I babysit and my opinion is that there are working moms whose kids suffer, and there are working moms who obviously make their children a top priority and those kids do not suffer.

The mom who comes home from work after her kids are asleep and who works on Sundays too is not putting her kids first.

You can't always tell from the outside who's making their kids a top priority. I'm making my kids a top priority by working to pay for things they need. Even if I'm not always home or available for my kids.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 8:29 am
amother [ Lavender ] wrote:
I think people judge career moms, not working moms who have no choice. People who put their careers and manicures/lunch dates ahead of their kids needs. You'd be surprised but there are ppl like that. And even those people don't deserve to be judged. Everyone is entitled to run their life as they please.

Most people I meet who I tell I'm still working look at me with those pity eyes and give me a bracha that I should be able to stay home and care for my family and myself. And I truly appreciate it.

As a side note, I was once haggling with my child's school director about tuition and the guy has the audacity to tell me "Mrs x, I think you should get a job" 😳

I'm a career mom. I don't understand- if you are working for $10 an hour it's ok, but if you are actually making a decent salary it's a problem?

And mothers are people too, we need self care just like anyone else. ESPECIALLY the full time working moms. We have to give up our whole entire lives for our children?
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amother
Offwhite


 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 8:45 am
amother [ Milk ] wrote:
I babysit and my opinion is that there are working moms whose kids suffer, and there are working moms who obviously make their children a top priority and those kids do not suffer.

The mom who comes home from work after her kids are asleep and who works on Sundays too is not putting her kids first.


Im a babysitter too. And I've been the one sending out my kids also.
All I can say is that we really don't know other people's financial/emotional/marriage situation.
That mother who works 80 hours a week and claims that she needs to in order to pay the mortgage and tuition? She may not be lying. Her husband is flying and incapable even though he presents as charming and involved. But he can't be relied on for finances at all. He jumps from low-paying job to low-paying job.
That mother is putting her kids first.

And I know. You'll give me a million reasons why this case is not like it and the mother doesn't need to work so hard blah blah blah.
All I'll say is that you have no idea what's going on in someone's life. No idea who's saving money and job security to be able to escape an abusive marriage. No idea who has thousands of dollars a month in medical bills from a family member with a private physical or emotional health problem. No idea who is trying to find $20000 to send a child or spouse to rehab.
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amother
Violet


 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 8:50 am
Everyone is judged. You can never win. Welcome to the world.
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amother
Lavender


 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 8:51 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I'm a career mom. I don't understand- if you are working for $10 an hour it's ok, but if you are actually making a decent salary it's a problem?

And mothers are people too, we need self care just like anyone else. ESPECIALLY the full time working moms. We have to give up our whole entire lives for our children?


Absolutely not. That's why I said everyone is entitled to run their lives the way they see fit. I just feel like career moms get judged more. For no good reason, just because people are judgmental.
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amother
Pear


 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 8:59 am
I work full time in a public school and people are always asking me if I can work part time or telling me I’m not going to be able to continue working full time as my kids gets older, family expands iyh etc. They also ask me “can’t you work in a frum school?” Um yeah if I want to make like 80K less than I make with salary and benefits. And they don’t consider the fact that maybe it makes sense that my DH works part time. (Wouldn’t admit this to many people but I happen to prefer being the one to work full time. At least at this point in my life.) Even if I was super wealthy I couldn’t be a SAHM.
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amother
Cherry


 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 9:00 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I see this so often on here and IRL that there's a certain.... attitude? Judgment? towards working mothers.

I'm a full time working mother and I drop the ball sometimes, but guess what? If I didn't work I would drop the ball in not being able to pay bills, tuition....

I feel the judgment all the time. Someone at work actually asked me recently (it was a man) - why are you doing this? Not sure how to say this - for the money? Same as you.

Are people really that clueless that they think that everyone can just manage fine on one salary?


I don't judge working mothers. I judge working mothers that their kids end up paying the price for it. I judge the working mother that comes home 20 minutes after her 3 year old and the 3 year old sits outside the door every single day, in every single weather and cries till her mother comes home. I judge the working mother that leaves a toddler and baby alone in the house every morning because she needs to leave and her husband will be home in 10-15 minutes. I judge the working mother that the 9 year old babysits her 3 younger siblings for an hour till mom comes home. I judge the working mother that gives cereal and noodle soup for dinner every night. I judge the working mother that leaves way before her kids do and young kids need to let themselves out the door every morning. I judge the working mother the misses her childs performances because she's working. (All those are true scenarios.)
If a mother puts work before her family, then she needs to rethink her choices. I know many women that work not because they must, but because they need the outlet and can't be home. That's ok IF the family doesn't end up paying the price.
(Btw, I feel plenty judged as a SAHM)
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