Home

Why do people judge working mothers?
  Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Working Women


View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Heyaaa




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 3:51 pm
Probably if you tell her that all the neighbors notice her preschooler crying on the steps every single morning, she'll figure out a way to have a responsible adult be there, possible even herself or her dh
Back to top

imorethanamother




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 4:01 pm
amother [ Cherry ] wrote:
If someone doesn't want to ask for favors because they feel this way, they should pay someone to take their child off the bus. It's not ok to have a 3 year old waiting alone outside every day because one doesn't want to ask for favors. Most people on the block would have no problem taking a kid off the bus for 15 minutes every day.


You’re conflating different scenarios. There’s a elementary age kid who comes home on a bus, age unknown. There’s a three year old somewhere whose mom isn’t watching him at some point, also circumstances unknown.

As for me, find me the babysitter who works for 20 minutes in the middle of the day that I can pay! I’m super excited about this. Let me know asap! My son gets off the bus between 3:30-3:45. I tried everything and everyone and got nowhere. So now I pay someone to work for me full time, but I’m super lucky to be able to afford that.

What I do know is that the neighbor won’t consent to payment, and because they’re doing you this HUGE FAVOR, they will be flaky about it. One day they can’t because they’re out of town and one day their child is sick and one day she’s going to do errands. So then there you are, every single day, trying to call every neighbor on your block to make sure that someone is watching your child.

So now that’s about ten people you have to be grateful to in adequate ways that only they and Hashem fully know. Because a handwritten card is nice for one and a gift card isn’t the one they wanted for another and driving someone to an out of town wedding is the price for a third and before you know it this “small favor” for “only 15 minutes” has taken over your life.
Back to top

amother




Cherry
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 4:19 pm
Heyaaa wrote:
Probably if you tell her that all the neighbors notice her preschooler crying on the steps every single morning, she'll figure out a way to have a responsible adult be there, possible even herself or her dh


She's been told. This is going on for years with various children. This is her official arrangement. She claims they're big enough to wait the 15 minutes for her to come home.
Back to top

imorethanamother




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 4:30 pm
amother [ Cherry ] wrote:
She's been told. This is going on for years with various children. This is her official arrangement. She claims they're big enough to wait the 15 minutes for her to come home.


This is kind of what I’m talking about. Who are you punishing here? The mother? The child?

If there are three year olds on a step crying, instead of waiting for the gratitude police you can step up and help out.

If you can’t watch a three year old because you are too burdened with your own life, I get it, and we all make our choices. But you are also expecting someone else to fix it.

Working mothers - and I don’t know this woman at all - come in all flavors. Maybe she is neglectful, maybe she’s just tired of the old “I’ll watch her oh but wait today, Thursday, and Friday aren’t good for me” and she’s cobbling together whatever solution she can. I don’t know. But if you legitimately think the child is in danger you are welcome to stand outside with the child with some games or a snack without expecting anything in return.
Back to top

amother




Firebrick
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 4:31 pm
imorethanamother wrote:
You’re conflating different scenarios. There’s a elementary age kid who comes home on a bus, age unknown. There’s a three year old somewhere whose mom isn’t watching him at some point, also circumstances unknown.

As for me, find me the babysitter who works for 20 minutes in the middle of the day that I can pay! I’m super excited about this. Let me know asap! My son gets off the bus between 3:30-3:45. I tried everything and everyone and got nowhere. So now I pay someone to work for me full time, but I’m super lucky to be able to afford that.

What I do know is that the neighbor won’t consent to payment, and because they’re doing you this HUGE FAVOR, they will be flaky about it. One day they can’t because they’re out of town and one day their child is sick and one day she’s going to do errands. So then there you are, every single day, trying to call every neighbor on your block to make sure that someone is watching your child.

So now that’s about ten people you have to be grateful to in adequate ways that only they and Hashem fully know. Because a handwritten card is nice for one and a gift card isn’t the one they wanted for another and driving someone to an out of town wedding is the price for a third and before you know it this “small favor” for “only 15 minutes” has taken over your life.


The reason her 3 year old is alone is not because she works.

She can find a friend who is always home at that time and she can drop off her kid at that friend's house who is also waiting for the bus, and she can pay her somewhat or she can offer to take the kids according to an arrangement that she can manage.

When the friend is out of town the mother can ask hire someone for a week. If she needs to do errands then the mother can come home earlier that one day.

She just doesn't think it's a problem. But it would be with the law so I hope she knows that if her kid is crying on the steps then she runs the risk of getting caught.
Back to top

imorethanamother




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 4:34 pm
amother [ Firebrick ] wrote:
The reason her 3 year old is alone is not because she works.

She can find a friend who is always home at that time and she can drop off her kid at that friend's house who is also waiting for the bus, and she can pay her somewhat or she can offer to take the kids according to an arrangement that she can manage.

When the friend is out of town the mother can ask hire someone for a week. If she needs to do errands then the mother can come home earlier that one day.


Again, if you are personally witnessing a three year old child being left outside in freezing weather without anyone watching them, my question is what are YOU doing?

If you really are witnessing what appears to be neglect, then call CPS or inform the mother that you will. OR, you can also personally step up and offer to watch the child for free and then do exactly that.
Back to top

amother




Cherry
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 4:34 pm
imorethanamother wrote:
This is kind of what I’m talking about. Who are you punishing here? The mother? The child?

If there are three year olds on a step crying, instead of waiting for the gratitude police you can step up and help out.

If you can’t watch a three year old because you are too burdened with your own life, I get it, and we all make our choices. But you are also expecting someone else to fix it.

Working mothers - and I don’t know this woman at all - come in all flavors. Maybe she is neglectful, maybe she’s just tired of the old “I’ll watch her oh but wait today, Thursday, and Friday aren’t good for me” and she’s cobbling together whatever solution she can. I don’t know. But if you legitimately think the child is in danger you are welcome to stand outside with the child with some games or a snack without expecting anything in return.


If you read my posts upthread, you'll see that I posted that there are always moms outside looking out for the kid and trying to calm her down. We have no problem taking the child in without expecting anything in return. We cannot take a child into our home against parents wishes. Unfortunately this is not an isolated incident in our neighborhood. For some working mom's it's acceptable for the little kids to wait at the door for them to come home and it's acceptable to leave young kids alone till they come home from work.
Back to top

amother




Firebrick
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 4:36 pm
amother [ Cherry ] wrote:
She's been told. This is going on for years with various children. This is her official arrangement. She claims they're big enough to wait the 15 minutes for her to come home.


The law doesn't think so. They can take away her kids.
Back to top

amother




Cherry
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 4:37 pm
imorethanamother wrote:
Again, if you are personally witnessing a three year old child being left outside in freezing weather without anyone watching them, my question is what are YOU doing?

If you really are witnessing what appears to be neglect, then call CPS or inform the mother that you will. OR, you can also personally step up and offer to watch the child for free and then do exactly that.


This has been going on for years with all of her 5 children. This is the arrangement and she's not the only one in the neighborhood with this arrangement.
She's been offered by multiple neighbors to watch her kids for free, she refuses offers saying that they're old enough to wait for her till she gets home.
Back to top

amother




Firebrick
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 4:41 pm
imorethanamother wrote:
Again, if you are personally witnessing a three year old child being left outside in freezing weather without anyone watching them, my question is what are YOU doing?

If you really are witnessing what appears to be neglect, then call CPS or inform the mother that you will. OR, you can also personally step up and offer to watch the child for free and then do exactly that.


I don't live there but apparently this mother is refusing to have any other mothers watch her kid. All the neighbors have offered and her response is "I know better and I like my way"

I suggested informing her that it is against the law. I wouldn't report her but maybe the bus driver would or maybe a non jewish neighbor would. I also think that telling her that all the neighbors are gossiping about it would probably make her discover a solution.
Back to top

amother




Firebrick
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 4:45 pm
imorethanamother wrote:
You’re conflating different scenarios. There’s a elementary age kid who comes home on a bus, age unknown. There’s a three year old somewhere whose mom isn’t watching him at some point, also circumstances unknown.

As for me, find me the babysitter who works for 20 minutes in the middle of the day that I can pay! I’m super excited about this. Let me know asap! My son gets off the bus between 3:30-3:45. I tried everything and everyone and got nowhere. So now I pay someone to work for me full time, but I’m super lucky to be able to afford that.

What I do know is that the neighbor won’t consent to payment, and because they’re doing you this HUGE FAVOR, they will be flaky about it. One day they can’t because they’re out of town and one day their child is sick and one day she’s going to do errands. So then there you are, every single day, trying to call every neighbor on your block to make sure that someone is watching your child.

So now that’s about ten people you have to be grateful to in adequate ways that only they and Hashem fully know. Because a handwritten card is nice for one and a gift card isn’t the one they wanted for another and driving someone to an out of town wedding is the price for a third and before you know it this “small favor” for “only 15 minutes” has taken over your life.


I would do it. I'm always happy to take home extra kids by carpool, I just make sure that they call their mothers first. I've offered to do it for people on a consistent basis but I've warned them that if I have an appointment or something comes up then I won't be able to do it that day. I don't want thanks. The fact that I don't have to work is the biggest blessing and I'm happy to help a stressed mom have less pressure if I'm headed in that direction anyway.
Back to top

imorethanamother




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 5:31 pm
Fair enough. All good answers to the three year old outside question. I feel so sad for those kids.

Very upsetting. Our bus doesn’t let children leave without their parent or designated caregiver present. It’s been super annoying but now I see where they’re coming from. I’m surprised the schools is fine with it?
Back to top

amother




Marigold
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 5:44 pm
imorethanamother wrote:
but I wonder whether the mother is ashamed that their child prefers another household, and how do you express gratitude when it means you’re admitting that you’re not a good enough parent? That’s a hard thing to admit to someone else out loud, so the alternative is to avoid the person.


Maybe up your game so your child doesn’t prefer another household?

And the alternative is to ignore a person that’s being there for your daughter when you aren’t able to or willing to? What’s wrong with sending a text saying thank you for having my DD.

How are you justifying that?

Is it expected of us to fill in, ignore and enable you?

What’s wrong with healthy communication?
Back to top

amother




Nemesia
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 5:50 pm
Here's another perspective. We could probably live on DH's salary alone, but I work because I know that he appreciates the extra income. Knowing that supporting the family is not all on his shoulders because I have a well paying career enhances our shalom bayis and prevents financial stress.
Back to top

imorethanamother




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 6:20 pm
amother [ Marigold ] wrote:
Maybe up your game so your child doesn’t prefer another household?

And the alternative is to ignore a person that’s being there for your daughter when you aren’t able to or willing to? What’s wrong with sending a text saying thank you for having my DD.

How are you justifying that?

Is it expected of us to fill in, ignore and enable you?

What’s wrong with healthy communication?


Sometimes we have to do things without getting thanks. I have a child like that in my life that calls me with his own phone and asks me for things. I have never gotten a thank you from his mother (ahem, OR father, which should also be counted as a humab being) and I don’t expect it because I realize this is a hard situation.

There’s a reason this child is suffering and it’s time to forgive. I’ve been where you are and it’s just easiest to realize how fortunate we are to be the givers and not the ones who need someone else to step in. But I know you want some acknowledgment. Here I am, seeing you, and your comment in this thread actually warmed my heart to find such a loving person helping a child find normalcy.
Back to top

amother




Papayawhip
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 6:35 pm
People judge stay at home moms even more
Back to top

amother




Ginger
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 7:05 pm
I'm a stay at home Mom by choice, and we are struggling tremendously financially. DH makes peanuts and we actually just got approved for food stamps because I just had a baby. I can't tell you the judgement we get for this. Judgement that we are in debt and it's my job to fix it by working, judging that we are on government assistance because I am too "lazy" to work. No, right now I want to be able to snuggle my baby, deal with my kids needs, pick them up from school. I know it's seen as a luxury, But it's my life and noone else's. And I have a high level degree, but I don't want to run on the hamster wheel. I want to be available when my kids are still young. Judge me all you want
Back to top

amother




Ginger
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 7:13 pm
amother [ Ginger ] wrote:
I'm a stay at home Mom by choice, and we are struggling tremendously financially. DH makes peanuts and we actually just got approved for food stamps because I just had a baby. I can't tell you the judgement we get for this. Judgement that we are in debt and it's my job to fix it by working, judging that we are on government assistance because I am too "lazy" to work. No, right now I want to be able to snuggle my baby, deal with my kids needs, pick them up from school. I know it's seen as a luxury, But it's my life and noone else's. And I have a high level degree, but I don't want to run on the hamster wheel. I want to be available when my kids are still young. Judge me all you want


And by the way, my kids eat cereal and cup a soup for dinner sometimes. I lose it at my kids sometimes. They don't always do their homework. My house is sometimes a mess, laundry is very often not put away. Doesn't mean I have it all together just because I stay home all day. I'm just doing the best I can
Back to top

amother




Strawberry
 

Post Tue, May 10 2022, 10:16 pm
amother [ Cherry ] wrote:
Yes and no. If the mother wouldn't be running to work in the morning, a toddler and baby wouldn't be left alone in the house every morning till dad comes home 15 minutes later. If the mom wouldn't be at work, then the nursery kid wouldn't stand outside crying every single day till mom comes home. If mom wouldn't be working, then the 9 year old wouldn't be babysitting 3 younger siblings every day for an hour till mom comes home. Yes, SAHM may also not be home for the bus once in a blue moon, but this isn't the official schedule on a daily basis.


Sahm can be terrible neglectful mothers and so can working mothers. I don’t know any working mother who doesn’t have childcare, that house is clearly dysfunctional and probably would be even if she wasn’t working.
Back to top
  Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 Recent Topics

Page 6 of 6 View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Working Women

Related Topics Replies Last Post
How many people do you know 30 Today at 4:38 pm View last post
Mothers helper
by laya C
0 Thu, Jun 30 2022, 10:35 am View last post
Meaningful People and Inspiration the Nation podcasts
by dena613
5 Wed, Jun 29 2022, 11:23 pm View last post
How do people draw the incredibly high salaries I see posted
by amother
76 Tue, Jun 28 2022, 9:11 pm View last post
Working at mom and pop office vs corporate
by amother
3 Mon, Jun 27 2022, 1:03 pm View last post