Why do people judge working mothers?

happy chick

Tue, May 10 2022, 9:05 am

amother [ Cherry ] wrote:

I don't judge working mothers. I judge working mothers that their kids end up paying the price for it. I judge the working mother that comes home 20 minutes after her 3 year old and the 3 year old sits outside the door every single day, in every single weather and cries till her mother comes home. I judge the working mother that leaves a toddler and baby alone in the house every morning because she needs to leave and her husband will be home in 10-15 minutes. I judge the working mother that the 9 year old babysits her 3 younger siblings for an hour till mom comes home. I judge the working mother that gives cereal and noodle soup for dinner every night. I judge the working mother that leaves way before her kids do and young kids need to let themselves out the door every morning. I judge the working mother the misses her childs performances because she's working. (All those are true scenarios.)
If a mother puts work before her family, then she needs to rethink her choices.

It's really not fair to judge. My heart goes out to any of the poor children in the scenarios you just posted. Kids need major therapy for going through life like that. But , sometimes parents don't have a choice and for lack of better options make poor choices. I feel terrible for the parents as well in these situations.

amother

Cerulean

Tue, May 10 2022, 9:17 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I see this so often on here and IRL that there's a certain.... attitude? Judgment? towards working mothers.

I'm a full time working mother and I drop the ball sometimes, but guess what? If I didn't work I would drop the ball in not being able to pay bills, tuition....

I feel the judgment all the time. Someone at work actually asked me recently (it was a man) - why are you doing this? Not sure how to say this - for the money? Same as you.

Are people really that clueless that they think that everyone can just manage fine on one salary?

Ive never heard of anyone judging working mothers. I live in monsey and work full time, as do many others I know

amother

Cherry

Tue, May 10 2022, 9:22 am

happy chick wrote:

What do you mean they have no other choice? We're talking about basic SAFETY here, there's NO such a thing as no other choice when it comes to your childrens safety. We live on a block full of neighbors, yet my neighbor has never asked if anyone can take her child off the bus. Many neighbors have offered, she says that it's not necessary and the child is old enough to wait outside alone. There are plenty other dinner choices besides for noodle soup and cereal. Leaving babies alone at home should NEVER be an option. A mom doesn't get to compromise the safety and well-being of her kids because she needs to go to work. Making proper childcare arrangements comes along with working. The safety of our children are worth more than any money in the world.

amother

Pear

Tue, May 10 2022, 9:28 am

amother [ Cherry ] wrote:

Some of the examples that poster was talking about were not about safety-like missing a child’s performance because of work. You can’t judge a mom for that. Noodle soup and cereal while not nutritious are not necessarily a matter of safety. Honestly all my toddler will eat these days is pizza or chicken nuggets. What can you do?

amother

Jean

Tue, May 10 2022, 9:30 am

amother [ Cherry ] wrote:

This.
IMO she can serve whatever she wants to her kids, as long as they eat.
I also get very annoyed when an acquaintance talks about never having time to do xyz for her kids because she is working. Taking off some work for a major appointment is a big deal....I know she can afford living well off just her husbands income. Changing her hours in advance in essentially not a big deal for her job. Its the attitude that she needs to put work ahead of her family all of the time.

amother

Cherry

Tue, May 10 2022, 9:34 am

amother [ Pear ] wrote:

Noodle soup on a daily basis is matter of safety. Kids have been asking me and other neighbors if we can give them from our dinner because they're sick of noodle soup and cereal. It's unfair of a mother to serve this to her children on a regular basis.
If a mother knows that she'll miss her childrens performances, it's on her to make arrangements to make sure that someone will be there for the child.

amother

Seafoam

Tue, May 10 2022, 9:36 am

amother [ Cherry ] wrote:

These are wildly different scenarios. Some are clearly not okay (leaving a 3 year old!), While others are just circumstances. I hope you're never in the situation where you have to give cereal every day for dinner. It's not neglect though. My mom worked and she missed performances and I'm okay about it. She is a great mom and made up for it in other ways. Imo schools should be conscious of working parents when they schedule this stuff. It's ridiculous in this day and age.

amother

Mocha

Tue, May 10 2022, 9:37 am

amother [ Cherry ] wrote:

So easy for you to say. You assume the kids are paying the price. But you dont know. People probably assume one of my kids pays the price because has some learning issues but it has nothing to do with my work.

What if the mom couldnt afford rent in their tiny apartment without work? Or electricity would be turned off? I know my boss isnt flexible and wouldnt just let me stay home or cut back my hours. And yes I tried to find a better job but even with a salary reduction I would have less flexibility. What if DH is unavailable either? Emotionally or physically? Maybe he has MH issues and cant get it together? So mom has to do it all?
This doesnt sound like a bad mom but one who needs help. I wouldnt let a toddler wait outside by himself in all fairness. If you see this mom unable to get home in time maybe offer to watch for those 20 minutes?!? Instead of lamenting the mom not putting her kid first maybe you can be the solution you want to see.

amother

Blueberry

Tue, May 10 2022, 9:38 am

Everyone can do whatever they want but the fact is that once you decided to bring children into this world you have responsibilities to their physical and mental well-being, that’s the ball that shouldn’t be dropped. You have choices but the question is what priority you choose. Plenty of people kill themselves working to pay the bills- I’m not talking about basic living expenses, but to maintain their standard of living. I know not everyone can do what I did but as soon as the kids started coming I cut my hours to be there for them, but with it I did major cuts in the way I lived, we’re talking about, downgraded apt, gave up car, etc…

amother

Offwhite

Tue, May 10 2022, 9:50 am

amother [ Blueberry ] wrote:

And then?
I have 5 kids including teenagers of both genders and kindergarten.
5 tuitions.
Even if the schools are very cooperative (which is not always possible) I still need to pay $2000 a month for tuition plus $500 a month for transportation.
And I still need to pay $2000 a month for a 2 1/2-3 bedroom small apartment. And I need to pay $400 for utilities and phones.
Even if I can find a lot of clothing hand-me-downs. I need to buy shoes and underwear and uniforms and Shabbos suits. Even Walmart, that adds up.
And second hand school books and seforim and notebooks and looseleafs and pens.
I haven't touched matza and arba minim and refilling and very cheap bar mitzvas.
And food. And garbage bags and shampoo and tampons.
And copays and braces.

So I work. And yes. It means that I might come late to a fair or play. And I might not be able to pick up my child exactly when the school wants. And supper is frozen pizza more than I'd like. And I can't chaperone on class trips or make calls. And my kids may go to early babysitting or aftercare.
I'm trying.

amother

Mimosa

Tue, May 10 2022, 10:04 am

amother [ Cherry ] wrote:

Wow. I don't think you realize how horrible you come across. Seriously you have no clue about anyones personal circumstances. You just sound so unhappy with yourself. It's worth exploring why you have so much venom for these so called selfish career moms.

amother

Babyblue

Tue, May 10 2022, 10:14 am

I think everyone judges everyone.
People think everyone else is doing it wrong.
It’s sad when you see children not getting the attention they need but I’ve seen SAHM that have houses that are a wreak and kids neglected and working moms that have neat house and kids get the care they need. Who says if a working mom became a SAHM her kids would be any better off?
Everyone does what’s best for their family.

I don’t understand why people are so busy judging others….

amother

Fern

Tue, May 10 2022, 10:15 am

As a SAHM I just have to chime in that I am literally in awe of all the working moms out there. It's hard for me to fathom the stamina, mental energy and organizational skills required to pull it off. I consider myself a fairly capable person and I find myself maxed out physically and emotionally with just taking care of my kids and house. To be honest, I think of my working neighbors as super human.To respond to OP's post- whenever I see one of my neighbors driving to work in morning, dressed and made up while I'm frantically looking for clean tights- I definitely judge- MYSELF!!! To all the working moms- and my fellow SAHM too- we're all doing our best and that makes us all awesome!!

mha3484

Tue, May 10 2022, 10:21 am

I have this theory and I see it in my boys yeshiva with a certain administrator who I have had some eye rolling moments with over the years.

I think what happens is by the time in your life you are the menahel/menaheles etc you are often times way past the many little kids stage of life. You are also more likely to have raised a family when life was much cheaper and therefore your wife either worked part time or did not work. So you cant really relate to me who has 5 kids under 11 and a full time job. Your experience when your kids were that age was too different.

I dont think its always malicious I think we just live in different universes and cant understand each other.

Bnei Berak 10

Tue, May 10 2022, 10:26 am

amother [ Mocha ] wrote:

Yes!!! I feel so judged as a working mom.
I work full time. Seriously full time. I get judged by the school. If anything isnt perfect or a kid misses something it is because I work. Um, no- it happened because I am human. Or my husband was in charge of that and HE forgot. (Wait, husbands can be in charge of 1 kids homework? And forget to sign? Or not do something? It doesnt have to be all on Mom? We both work full time so split everything else up like dinner, making lunches, dinner...)
But they forgive the dads.
If I dont answer the school's phone call the first time (because I am in a non negotiable mandatory meeting that only I can attend, that happens max 1-2 times a month) AND I call back as soon as possible-- I am a terrible mom. But they never even tried to call my husband. Whose number is there next to mine in the school paperwork. Who is their FATHER.

Years ago- My preschool kid acted up. I was blamed because "I had just started a new job so it must be chaotic" and they blamed me working. Um no. I had started months ago, nothing had changed recently, we had a great routine, it was the first meltdown, and my kid just acted up because he didnt sleep well because a neighbor had a loud party late at night the evening before.
But of course it is my job.

Neighbors judge.
I have been told by many to just cut back my hours. Um, who pays for tuition, food, rent then? Why? "Because moms shouldnt work so much".

Banging head

I feel for you.
Would it help if you told the school to call your DH instead of your in case you can't answer the call and that they write it down in their records?
IMHO it's time to put do an your foot and tell them that because your work you are able to pay tuition. That tuition pays for the staff's salaries.

amother

Jetblack

Tue, May 10 2022, 10:27 am

Fellow working mom here. We could manage on DH's income alone and he would be OK with me quitting, but I prefer to work. While I would love to work in my field part time, it is not an option practically speaking.

Given the choice between no career and working full time, I prefer to work full time. Of course, nobody judges my husband for choosing to work full time, even though our family could manage just fine on my salary alone and I would have no problem with him being a SAHD.

I don't get as worked up about the judgment as I used to when I was a brand new mom and more anxious. I realize now these people who make passive aggressive remarks have their own problems. And I also realize that I judge people inwardly for other things and most people judge people on whatever sticks out to them, so it's not worth worrying about.

amother

Cherry

Tue, May 10 2022, 10:30 am

amother [ Mocha ] wrote:

None of those are an excuse for putting children in unsafe situations. None of this is an excuse to leave little kids unattended. If you read my posts, you'll see that I posted that several neighbors offered to take the child off the bus and the neighbor declined saying that the child is old enough to wait outside till she comes.

amother

Cherry

Tue, May 10 2022, 10:35 am

amother [ Mimosa ] wrote:

Please tell me in what world it's ok to leave little children alone in the house??? A mom needing to go to work IS NOT AN EXCUSE to leave little kids alone in the house. Sorry you think I'm unhappy. (Where does it even come in here? I'm unhappy because little kids are in unsafe situations? Scratching Head

, or you have nothing better to say......)
A career and job do not come before the safety of your children. No excuse. I don't care if you think I'm horrible. I'm definitely not more horrible then a mother that leaves little kids home alone.