Why do people judge working mothers?

amother

Stone

Tue, May 10 2022, 7:35 am

amother [ Cherry ] wrote:

I don't judge working mothers. I judge working mothers that their kids end up paying the price for it. I judge the working mother that comes home 20 minutes after her 3 year old and the 3 year old sits outside the door every single day, in every single weather and cries till her mother comes home. I judge the working mother that leaves a toddler and baby alone in the house every morning because she needs to leave and her husband will be home in 10-15 minutes. I judge the working mother that the 9 year old babysits her 3 younger siblings for an hour till mom comes home. I judge the working mother that gives cereal and noodle soup for dinner every night. I judge the working mother that leaves way before her kids do and young kids need to let themselves out the door every morning. I judge the working mother the misses her childs performances because she's working. (All those are true scenarios.)
If a mother puts work before her family, then she needs to rethink her choices. I know many women that work not because they must, but because they need the outlet and can't be home. That's ok IF the family doesn't end up paying the price.
(Btw, I feel plenty judged as a SAHM)

Not sure what thus has to do with working mothers. I've seen literally every thing on this list happen with sahms too.

amother

Cerise

Tue, May 10 2022, 7:51 am

amother [ Cherry ] wrote:

What do you mean they have no other choice? We're talking about basic SAFETY here, there's NO such a thing as no other choice when it comes to your childrens safety. We live on a block full of neighbors, yet my neighbor has never asked if anyone can take her child off the bus. Many neighbors have offered, she says that it's not necessary and the child is old enough to wait outside alone. There are plenty other dinner choices besides for noodle soup and cereal. Leaving babies alone at home should NEVER be an option. A mom doesn't get to compromise the safety and well-being of her kids because she needs to go to work. Making proper childcare arrangements comes along with working. The safety of our children are worth more than any money in the world.

What does missing school performances have to do with safety? I am shocked that you would judge a mom for that.
Maybe our schools should take into consideration that most moms work, and not schedule performances at the most inconvenient times.
And eating cereal/noodle soup is not a safety issue either.
I do agree that leaving kids home alone is terrible, but I do not know any working moms who do this.

amother

Stone

Tue, May 10 2022, 7:52 am

amother [ Cherry ] wrote:

But this thread is about working mothers.

Yes. And I'm explaining that your claim has nothing to do with working mothers. The neglect you describe is not the sole province of working mothers. It is an entirely different issue.

amother

Blonde

Tue, May 10 2022, 7:52 am

amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:

Interesting. I feel judged as SAHM. People always ask me, so what do you do every day? You’re not bored? And of course some people go even further and make comments about the financial place I must be in to be able to afford to do that.

Same. Lots of judgement.

amother

Cherry

Tue, May 10 2022, 7:58 am

amother [ Stone ] wrote:

Yes. And I'm explaining that your claim has nothing to do with working mothers. The neglect you describe is not the sole province of working mothers. It is an entirely different issue.

I did NOT say that I judge working mom's. I said that I judge working mom's that put work first and the kids end up paying the price for it. This doesn't mean that all-most-many working mom's do this. I judge the one's that do.

amother

Stone

Tue, May 10 2022, 8:43 am

amother [ Cherry ] wrote:

But you're specifically bringing attention to working moms who do these things. As in, this is a potential problem with working. You might end up working too hard and engaging in these unsafe practices. The truth is, anyone who's behaving that egregiously, it's nothing to do with whether they work or not. Neglectful mothers will be neglectful regardless of their work situation. One really has nothing to do with the other.

chmom

Tue, May 10 2022, 9:16 am

amother [ Lavender ] wrote:

I think people judge career moms, not working moms who have no choice. People who put their careers and manicures/lunch dates ahead of their kids needs. You'd be surprised but there are ppl like that. And even those people don't deserve to be judged. Everyone is entitled to run their life as they please.

Most people I meet who I tell I'm still working look at me with those pity eyes and give me a bracha that I should be able to stay home and care for my family and myself. And I truly appreciate it.

As a side note, I was once haggling with my child's school director about tuition and the guy has the audacity to tell me "Mrs x, I think you should get a job" 😳

Do these children not have fathers? Why is it only on the mom to put their children first? What about working as a couple to make sure the children are adequately taken care of? Does this mean mothers have no right to their own life and career?
We exist solely as facilitators for our husband’s and children‘s lives?

amother

Bluebonnet

Tue, May 10 2022, 9:19 am

chmom wrote:

I love this line. And yes it does seem that way many times.

chmom

Tue, May 10 2022, 9:21 am

amother [ Cherry ] wrote:

WHERE IS THE DAD IN THIS SCENARIO? Why is he not responsible for any of these tasks?

chmom

Tue, May 10 2022, 9:28 am

amother [ Cherry ] wrote:

Do you also judge working fathers that put their job above family? And the kids end up paying the price?

amother

Ecru

Tue, May 10 2022, 9:30 am

Honestly I judge working moms OP. If a mom is working literally to pay bills, that I understand. But a mom who is working more then that and is leaving her kids all the time and isn’t focused. I do judge and I feel sorry for her kids. There is a middle ground and only you know if you are prioritizing your kids. Are your kids resentful?
Do your kids ask for you and you are saying “no” more then “yes”
Do your kids needs get met in a timely fashion? ( physical and emotional?
Good luck OP

amother

Hibiscus

Tue, May 10 2022, 9:41 am

amother [ Ecru ] wrote:

Most ppl are not working for fun.

amother

Bluebonnet

Tue, May 10 2022, 9:43 am

amother [ Ecru ] wrote:

I don't live in a world where there are cushy 9:30-2 jobs so moms can be there for their kids before and after school. You can't just work less hours in any position out there. It's full time or very part time with no benefits and obvious way less in pay. I happen to be able to work very early and be home when my kids get off the bus. But I am not there in the mornings. And yes my kids get sad about it and want me there. But guess what- my wonderful, capable husband is a parent too! And HE manages to do all the morning things and get them to school.

It happens to work for us but I can totally understand how this arrangement wouldn't work out for many people. Just from a practical perspective (not having to do with incompetent fathers though that is a big problem)

amother

Eggshell

Tue, May 10 2022, 9:44 am

Its the most horrible thing to be told that I am putting my job above my kids.

Are you freaking kidding me!!! How does that even make one ounce of sense?

I care more about my JOB than my kids?!? I don't give a d*man about my job!
Do you really believe I care more about my muti-millionare boss's bottom line than my children?
I care about the paycheck that my job gives me, so said children can be taken care of!!

And yes, sometimes my children need to go to between school/camp babysitting, and sometimes I miss their performance, and sometimes I have no energy to make dinner becauase I worked all day, and sometimes I need to work chol hamoed and can't take them on trips, and yes, unfotunately, my 7-week old baby has to go to daycare, but all this is FOR THEM!

I am putting my children above all by working so they can have a warm house, and clothing, food, and diapers, and an education and camp and braces and bar mitzvahs and weddings.
How dare anyone say I am putting my job above my family!!

amother

Cherry

Tue, May 10 2022, 9:44 am

chmom wrote:

Do you also judge working fathers that put their job above family? And the kids end up paying the price?

A father has a chiyuv min hatorah to work and support his family. A woman has no such chiyuv. Yeah, many women need to work. But many don't. In my community, many women work & shop only designer clothing, live in fancy luxury homes, and go on lavish vacations. Those women don't need to work, they want to work.

zaq

Tue, May 10 2022, 9:52 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I see this so often on here and IRL that there's a certain.... attitude? Judgment? towards working mothers.

I'm a full time working mother and I drop the ball sometimes, but guess what? If I didn't work I would drop the ball in not being able to pay bills, tuition....

I feel the judgment all the time. Someone at work actually asked me recently (it was a man) - why are you doing this? Not sure how to say this - for the money? Same as you.

Are people really that clueless that they think that everyone can just manage fine on one salary?

Some are clueless. Some are jealous and trying to bring you down. Women's Lib was supposed to make all women sisters; liberation was supposed to be about giving every woman the choice of what to do with her life. Instead, it resulted in the Mommy Wars, sahm vs working mom, with neither group getting any respect.